Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

No, my comment regarding “she shouldn’t pay a penny” was a couple of posters (and I never claimed otherwise). My point that the whole theme of the thread is “oh aren’t you lucky to live rent free!” directly contradicts EVERY thread which involves a man living rent free in a woman’s house. That’s just a fact. So no, I won’t stop making the comparison just because you’re choosing to be blind to the hypocrisy.

I never said she was a lodger ffs 🙄 the term “cocklodger” is used for male romantic partners/boyfriend who move into a woman’s house and make very little in the way of financial contribution. At least know what you’re arguing about before trying to lay into people.

If you hadn’t got together with your partner you still wouldn’t have anything to leave your ds

Not necessarily, @CormorantStrikesBack; I don't want to assume, but it's just possible that if OP hadn't got a well heeled partner on tap she might not have been so quick to spend her own house proceeds her own DS

Yabu, I'm with your dp. That's your dss home and paid for by his mum. I can't believe you think that you are entitled to something she paid for!
Your ds will inherit and already has so far, what more do you want?
Even if I were to be with someone else again, not a penny will go towards anyone else's child that my dh has left for our kids.
You would have actually saved money by loving with him and could have set your son up too.

i don't think he should be leaving some of the house to your son no , it was never your sons home and you and your ex had your assets from you former home to leave to him or not, maybe his dad will have another home to leave him. But i do think he should leave some of it to you, he's been your partner for 14 years and it's been your home for a long time, if he were to die saying you can live there is no good to you if you need to sell, move , go into care later in life, his son has his own home why would he want to leave him responsible for upkeep of a second home you were living in, i think he needs to think more about how he would care for you if he were to die , and less attachment to his old home which his son now doesn't need , maybe the son would prefer a clearer inheritance than a house he can't dispose of

Surely there is some other asset that he has? Especially after years of £100k salary on s mortgage free house. I don’t think OP is unreasonable to want to open up a discussion on what would happen to her in the event of his death, but I can see why the house is off the table.

The deceased wife essentially paid for the house. It should go to her son.

You are in a difficult position OP. Paying for general upkeep and repairs is not enough I fear to stake any claim (google 'proprietary estoppel'). It is now probably down to your DP's gratuitous intentions.

What is the mechanism where he is allowing you to reside in the house for life if he dies first? It should be in his Will, which creates a life interest for you in the property. Without that, you have nothing to rely on (and even then he could change his will in the future). There is usually a clause that allows his executors / trustees to downsize in future if that is the right thing to do. But the Will is where you need to go.

I think it’s pretty shameful you have asked him to leave some of the money to your son. How would you feel if you were his first wife and your life insurance went to someone you never met? You haven’t paid anything into this property, odd repair work is cheaper than rent.

if I was your partner I would find it very difficult to look at you the same way after this.

YABU. The home was paid for by your partners wife and the life insurance that came into play once she died. Your ds has no right to the property at all.
Your ds will inherit from you, his father and his own grandparents.
You sound resentful of your dss and I think you want your ds to be on the same financial footing as him. You should have saved more money, invested more wisely and worked full time.

Nope, I'm with your ex on this one. This house was never paid for by you, it was paid in full by him and late wife's contributions and her life insurance.

You have lived there presumably rent free for 10years? Some decorating and DIY is surely a good trade for a decade of free rent?

And if you've not paid rent for 10years, did you put that money aside for your son's inheritance? Or an investment property you could leave him? And if not, why not?

I'm a child in this situation. As far as I'm aware my dads will is similar to what your husband is stating. Me and my brother will inherit our family home plus the house they currently live in, But dad's partner can live in it if my dad goes first. Although my dad's partner still has her house which I would assume will go to her 2 sons. Our family home was also paid for with my mums life insurance and the home they live in now I believe my dad also paid for enabling her adult children to stay in their family home. My brother rents our family home now

Better start now then. Go full time, start saving and don't spend any more money on his asset.

Yabvu

She would have intended her life insurance to benefit her son not her husbands new partner.

Yep.
You pay your money and you make your choices.

I think you hit the nail if the head when you said you just didnt think about it.
That maybe explains why when you had free accommodation you save aggressively and get a btl or invest and grow your money via maxed out ISAs.

Instead you dropped to PT and enjoyed life... soemthing many people wil lnever have the luxury of doing.

You also have already been very generous with your DS.
Most students self fund their gap years by working for part of it...or just dont have the luxury of taking one....

That said i get why you feel like this as you are comparing the boys side by side and his DS has a LOT of advantages which is hard because everyone wants to give their children the best they can

@Wotcher you saying something is a fact doesn't actually make it a fact. And the constant MRA style posts on these threads is so tiresome. I know exactly what a cocklodger means, and I made the point that she has been making a financial contribution: her partner owns the house outright so if he was charging her rent he would be making money off her, which would be wrong in my opinion. She has said that she has been contributing to bills and decorating etc so has been contributing to the actual costs.

The threads that you are referring to usually stem from a point where the woman is financially struggling to manage the bills and mortgage/rent etc because her partner is not making a financial contribution, so is costing her more. They are very different situations and not comparable.

Why does DH not want to reflect your contribution in the will? Does he not value your contribution?

Op presumably spent more on son at uni as she’d have been caught by the rules that count a live in boyfriend’s income.
So eg her living alone earning 30,000 her son would have qualified for near full loan 10,000 a year.
She moves in with boyfriend household income is now over £65000 and son qualifies for minimum loan of say £4500. Op is expected to top him up to full loan. If his dad refused to pay anything to top up as it was her decision to live with boyfriend stopping son getting a decent loan then it’s at least £15000 gone.

Hardly. It’s common sense that if there’s multiple pages and multiple updates you might think of reading them before butting in with totally irrelevant information.

I can see why you feel it's unfair when you compare the two sons' economic outlooks, but I don't see why your son should have any claim on your partner's inheritance.

Yeah but if she had to rent it would have been £600- £1k pm or so... of you.offset shes break even or better off living with the partner

She doesnt mention if her DS worked PT to help cover the costs of his own education

Ultimately she doesnt have the right to expect her son to inherit that house

The last part is relevant he's being unreasonable OP.... I'd say if not for the last part I would say fair enough but no sorry, his son is a millionaire? And has already bought a house outright?

Yours is to be left absolutely nothing of substance? Absolutely not! In your position I'd without a single doubt be considering asking for a divorce at this point.

RTFT Jesus.

Absolutely not! In your position I'd without a single doubt be considering asking for a divorce at this point.

You need to be married to get divorced.

It is his house. As things stand, without a will, you and your son would get nothing if he died. I think it is generous of him to offer to give you a lifetime interest in the house and beyond unreasonable for you to expect him to give a percentage of the equity in his son’s a childhood home to your son. if you want to leave your son an inheritance then I suggest you work fulltime and start investing in an asset you can give him in the future.

In a nutshell. Spot on.