Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

I do not understand your argument that your DP has prevented you in some way from investing in property in your own right. You didn’t own a property when you met. You have reduced your working hours and salary. Not many single women would have your lifestyle on 35k.

When your DP’s wife died did she leave everything to him or is there a trust or ring fenced amount for his son? Does your DP have a will now?

Why didn't your ex contribute half the uni and gap costs?

If I were the late wife, I wouldn't resent DH for finding a new partner or for his new partner remaining in their home after his death. But I would be fuming (from a heaven I don't believe in I guess!) if he didn't leave our marital home, paid for by my life insurance, to our DC.

OK, so if you stay with DP you have a roof over your head for life and a decent pension, which is great.

But very much worth saving as much as you can from now in case you break up and/or to leave something for your son.

I think you're in a very vulnerable position actually. If he dies, the house passes to his son, not you. You will very likely have to then move out. What will you do then? Is there any provision in the will for that scenario? You need to talk it through.

Without being married, you have no right of inheritance or financial protection. Is that why he's avoiding marriage?

Sorry, OP, another voice adding to the chorus of your DP is being perfectly reasonable. In his situation I would expect to leave the house to my own child. But, as others have said, you shouldn't be paying anything towards house maintenance or upkeep. That should be on your DP.

Why would she have half of her stepson’s inheritance from his grandmother?

OP has said she has a life interest, presumably (hopefully!) legally documented.

Breaking up with her DP is the bigger worry - no savings, no property etc.

Obviously you shouldn't share details here, but if you haven't checked it out for a while I would. Even a very generous public sector pension may not amount to much on a £35k salary PT. Are you sure you're financially secure should you separate or your partner die before you?

Your DS has nothing to do with your partner, so would be pretty bizzare one day for him or you to have to decide the future of this house together with his son who is owed 100% of this house as it was paid mostly by his mother.

I think yabu and your partner has every right to leave the house to his own son.

I agree with your DP. It was your choice to use your money for your DS uni (when he could have got a loan) and gap year (don't even get me started). You should have kept that money for a deposit, added to it whilst living for free in DP's house, and bought a property yourself to rent out, so you'd have your own nest egg and a back up plan if the relationship ended. You must have so much disposable income with no dependents and no mortgage, even if you didn't want a property, you could have been making some decent investments. you've massively lucked out living there, enabling you to work PT - but can't believe you didn't think about the consequences if the relationship ended/your DP was to die. Of course the house should go to his DS.

Hi OP,

Sorry but I also agree with your DP. You have been living rent free for 10 years, and contributed to decorating only (nothing major as you say). So you are living temporarily in his and his wife’s home, largely paid for by her.

You have been lucky to have enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle with your wealthier partner, given you have a lower salary (30k) and have been able to go part time.

It is reasonable that you can live in the house for your lifetime and then it goes in entirety to his son.

The house has nothing to do with your son. Due to his age and conflict with partners son, I doubt they think of him as equivalent to a son/brother.

No.

marriage makes no difference. In England at least, there is no “right of inheritance” whether married or not.

you can leave your own assets to whomever you please.

i am married, my house will go to my kids. Dh will be provided for in that he has my pension and the right to live in the house, but he has no right to inherit it.

It’s his house and he can leave it to whoever he wants.
The time for thinking about it was when you moved in.
You had less rights than a lodger living as his invited quest. I assume you planned to rent again if you split?
What are your plans for housing if he dies before you?
You could look at buying now and renting it out so you’d have a property to live in or sell to fund a retirement property if he dies before you.
Reason people are asking about contributions and any improvements is there is a mechanism for trying to establish an equitable interest in a property you don’t own. Very difficult to do - search TOLATA claims. Usually needs something big like having paid for new kitchen or extension to succeed.

There needs to go a very frank discussion (should have happened 10 years ago!) about the division of the property.
Whilst he/late wife paid the house off, he has also refused to sell up and move to a joint house. Thus giving you some housing security.
You are a little stuck - personally think you should possibly up work hours and buy a property in your own right to rent out.
Refuse to pay anything else towards the property upkeep, unless you are going to get a share in your own right.
Your DSS is better set up then you are regarding housing!
Had several second marriages within the family - a deal has always been struck where one partner has moved into the others. So that they aren't left high and dry!

"We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first. "

This should be expressly set out in his will.

As to the rest yes if I were in his position I would absolutely leave all my assets to my children.

I think your DSS inheritance has really clouded your thinking.

Now you need to talk to a financial advisor to ensure you have your own plans for the future.

Sorry OP but I think your DP is right. It is probably fair for him to leave a sum to your son to recognise your small financial contribution decorating/repairs. Maybe £10k? But the house should be left to his son. You say that your dss has inherited from grandparents. What about your son’s grandparents, will he inherit anything from them? And his own father? I can’t see that he has any right to your partners house, especially as he has never even lived there and your partner never seems to have had the role of ‘step father’.

You've had a lovely time at the expense of building savings and an inheritance for your son. That's fine. Just own it and don't expect your partner's child to subsidise your choices.

I can’t really see where you are coming from op I’m sorry. You weren’t “stopped” from getting an investment and I’d be surprised if anything you have contributed to in upkeep and repairs comes close to what rent would have cost you. Put it this way, if I died and my DH got together with someone who lived in our house then tried to divert the value away from our dc to hers, I’d be turning in my grave. I can see why he wouldn’t - and kudos to him for those principles.

But surely that should have been a huge clue that he planned on leaving it to his son? It sounds like he wants to keep the house in the family. And how would that have worked if it had been left to both of your sons?

Especially if they hate each other so much they won't be in the same room together. I think that alone is enough of a reason to keep inheritance matters concerning each of them very separate. You don't want a situation in which you and your partner are both gone and two people who hate each other have to then compromise and make huge decisions together on the future of one of them's childhood home.

Honestly i’d be furious if my death meant a mortgage free house and then my Dh gave it away to anyone other than DD.

It would be different if the boys were little when you met and you stepped in as a “mum” figure but you met when they were practically adults.

Your DO is right, it is his house to leave to who he wants. The fact that you have paid for maintenance and upkeep is irrelevant because those are things that you have needed for the home you live in and presumably you didn’t pay rent on top. You’ve already had a great deal if you can work part time and your son has his uni paid for. He didn’t need huge loans like those whose parents don’t have money in the bank or partners who were prepared to pay the bulk of their living expenses so he has already benefited from your set up.

Your DP has never been a father figure to your ds so it makes no sense for him to leave his home to a child he is unrelated to and he has not prevented you from investing or working full time. That is on you. Don’t be grabby. If you want your son to have an inheritance, you provide it.

I can see where you're coming from OP and I can see how it may be frustrating to you if your DSS is financially sorted, however I agree with the others that his wife paid for the house and she would probably want it to go to her son (Also poor DSS did lose his Mum in his formative years and I bet he would trade his maternal inheritance to have grown up with her in his life, it's just his compensation for that, your son is the lucky one in this respect).

I could understand a bit more if your son was brought up there too and your DP helped bring him up from being a child and you paid some of the sale of your house towards renovations, but a bit of redecorating is just general maintenance and you've had no rent or mortgage to pay. If you have paid for your sons uni fees and a gap year he has had a good leg up already and you've chose to invest your money there instead of property which is fine.

Perhaps you can just relay your fears to your husband about what you are leaving your son now that wills are being talked about and ask if you can pay a little less towards house upkeep and decoration and more a proportion of your comparative salaries maybe 20/80 or 25/75 split so you can start saving hard for a nest egg so you have something to leave him?

At least you will be able to stay in the house, I think your DP is being fair. x

I’m actually reeling a bit that you don’t see how inappropriate your expectation is.

she said in her OP that he'd just come into a big windfall. you know what tho, I've totally lost interest in this one. Carry on.