Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

No one forced her to move in with him, or remain with him, whilst unmarried. She isn’t without agency.

Besides, OP said the decision not to marry was mutual.

Agree with him, it's not your house, it's his house along with his late wife's, you aren't married, you don't get a say in it. Sorry. It 100% should go to his son.

I don’t understand this post. She doesn’t seem to have fully absorbed any of the things you say she is “ aware”
oc - hence her notion that her DS is somehow entitled to a shard in the home.

Having read your updates I now see that this was DSS childhood home but your son doesn't have that tie to it.. presumably after university he lives elsewhere.. so it's not been his home really.

Of course she was aware.

She is aware she doesn’t own the house.
She is aware they aren’t married.
She is aware the mutually decided not to get married.
She is aware she hasn’t paid rent or a mortgage.
She is aware she hasn’t really contributed to the house at all.
She is aware that as she has lived rent/mortgage free she could reduce work part time.
She is aware of all the benefits she has had.

She has been aware of all these things. How could she not be aware?

She just assumed he would agree her son was entitled to a third of the property. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t aware of the of these things. She just assumed.

If Op isn’t aware of all these things there’s much bigger problems

Yes, he’s correct.

It’s just such a mind-bogglingly grasping assumption if she really had these points uppermost in her mind.

What I find strange here is that you’ve lived with who I presume to be a financially savvy, well-earning partner for ten years and you’ve never before discussed your financial wellbeing as an individual? My DH earned more than me and had decent assets when we met/married and he’s put quite a bit of effort into helping me build my own wealth and make good financial decisions for my own future. It’s still quite small but

The next thing you might want to discuss with your partner is exactly that: can he help you make a plan so that you can build up some savings for retirement and potentially help your son make a downpayment on a flat, for example.

If you read OP’s updates, she states it was a mutual decision not to get married.

In a similar situation but the other way round. I own my house outright but it’s a very modest terrace. Paid for by sale of my old place and Dad’s inheritance. My partner has paid none of the mortgage and is on a low salary. He’s done repairs but none costing anything significant.
If we split, I will see him right as a gesture of good will to ensure he is ok but it won’t be any more than 10%. That’s because he’s a good person and my child’s father, I certainly don’t have to. I’ve saved him thousands of pounds, he would have struggled to rent anywhere in our local area, not even a bed sit.

This is the way forward OP. Not impinging on his funds to provide gif your DS - which is going to kill this relationship.

And decorating is very rarely a man's idea she probably insisted on it lol

YABU
Why should his DS be stiffed out of his DM money (his inheritance).

Is there any way you can buy something as security for yourself?

Have to agree with your partner unfortunately. My mum died and I tell you what if my dad met someone new and left the house that they worked for together to a new partners offspring I'd be f*ING raging!! I'm an only child and my mum wanted everything going to me so fortunately has protected at least half assets in the instance my dad meets some new woman who tries to come in and take what my mom wanted me to have. She wasn't stupid let's put it that way! Unfortunately wills/deaths bring out the worst in people but deep down I'm sure your aware what you and your son will be entitled too, whether his DS is left money from grandparents has no bearing on what hid dad leaves him , he's just been lucky but that's nothing to do with you. Sorry if that sounds harsh

He's right

This def should have been discussed earlier on, but yes his son should inherit the house. Your partner could provide for you a life interest to occupy the home until (if) you enter into another relationship or resign from it.

as far as your contributions go towards maintenance, I would clarify how he sees that being returned to you and I don’t think k he should been using joint funds there.

Perhaps at the time of doing his will, he makes sure there is a financial lump sum from other sources to compensate you for your outlay.

You've not been deprived of having an asset of your own. If you haven't been paying "rent" then you'll have had the opportunity to put money aside to buy somewhere.

I agree with your DP.

Your partner is one million percent in the right. He’s honouring his late wife’s wishes.

You:

• Could not afford to buy your own place for 6 years.
• Yet managed to fund your son through uni/gap year (I assume by benefitting from living there for free, because someone who can’t afford a mortgage can’t afford to fund a gap year!).
• Are part time, living without a mortgage, having seen your son through uni and a gap year, and have a decent pension. Again, if you couldn’t afford to buy your own place yet have managed to do this and go PT, plus have had nice holidays you have financially benefited from him.
• He is happy for you to stay in the house for the rest of your life.
• He has/is taking care of you. You seem to have a lovely life - appreciate this and enjoy it.

However his generosity does not extend to providing your son with an inheritance that he’s not entitled to, from assets you’ve not played any part in building - and rightly so!! He hasn’t even lived with your son, played any part in his upbringing yet you want him to bequeath him a third of the home he and his ex wife worked to pay for and which was paid off by the untimely death of his ex wife? Please read that, read it again, and keep reading it until it sinks in.

He is taking care of you, as his partner.

He intends you to continue to be taken care of after his death.

He is not prepared to give his son’s inheritance to someone who is in no way entitled to it.

He sounds like a very decent man. If you are so concerned about something to leave your son, perhaps work full time and put the difference between your PT and FT wage away for him. Not that I think you should do this, but if you want him to inherit, that’s what you must do.

My mind is truly boggled reading this. If I were to die, I would truly hope my husband acts in the same way as this man has and is!

Your DS got his money when you spent your half of your house money on Uni and his gap year%How much was that? Personally I think your DP is right and the house should be passed to his DS as it was his wife's life insurance that paid off the mortgage and your DP and his ex who paid it up until then. Beyond helping to maintain it (in lieu of rent you have not contributed financially to it.

If you had wanted your DS to inherit you should have used the money you got from your house sale to either invest in something smaller or invest in something else. I cannot imagine using half house proceeds to pay for Uni and a gap year. Didn't your DS qualify for student finance? I don't think I would pay towards home improvements going forward although of course as you live there you would benefit from them so a difficult one. If you have been living rent and mortgage free you should have saved lots over the last 10 years.

I’m another one who agrees with your DP and all the replies you’ve had. You’re not married and have made small contributions to his house like decorating which surely you’d do every so often wherever you lived?
If you haven’t been paying rent or mortgage for 10 years then by choosing not to save and to go on holidays and pay for a gap year for your son you have made choices that now mean you don’t have much of a financial cushion.

The house is nothing to do with you and I would be taking time now to think about your financial situation. What would you do if your relationship ends? You are hoping your son will inherit from a person who he doesn’t even know whereas I think your first concerns should be your own security. That may mean working full time to build up some savings that you can either buy a property with or could keep for your own son to inherit in future.

I think it’s fair that your DP and his late wife are ensuring their son receives his inheritance and that it’s not shared out to an unrelated partner and their child.

Not sure the law is on her side though as she hasn't done all of that with any expectation that she will have a beneficial interest in it and there doesn't appear to have been any express or implied intention by her partner who seems to have been quite clear. She had money from the sale of a property and used it for rent and other things, and had benefited greatly for the work and effort you describe by living in this house and saving on rent. Even the renovations she accepts weren't big things and it appears costs were shared so not really beyond what one might usually expect to see I a tenancy agreement with regard general upkeep. So it's nothing to do with what century we are in. There was always the option to marry, or to have the discussion about intentions and enter into a cohabitation agreement or the like, or if a suitable agreement couldn't be reached to leave and go back to renting. But actually she is probably better off having saved rental prices and had someone to share the burden of bills. She is already likely quids in.

Given you are part time will your pension be big enough. Why did you go part time when your son was no longer a child? I think this is the bigger issue plus the disparity in your incomes. The inheritance from the SS grandparents is a red herring as nothing to do with the house.

I think you made a bad call using all your money to pay out for Uni (does your DS have student loans?) gap years, holidays and dropping to part time hours. You aren't married and the house is not yours but he has given you a lifetime interest in it which is generous. If you want your DS to inherit you need to work at acquiring assets and plan for the future better.

I agree with your partner. The house was paid for by himself and his wife, with the likely view that their son would inherit.
Unless you have done significant improvements at your cost, which has increased the property value…then their son should have the full inheritance of the house. Decorating isn’t the same, you’d do that to a rental property.

You have been effectively living rent free for 10 yrs, you should have invested some of that money …if your sons inheritance was important to you …instead of choosing to work part time. Sorry to be blunt. Would your son inherit anything from his biological father?

It would be if he made his son the beneficiary of his will. There is no law requiring that the wife inherits.