To be upset with SIL & MIL re pregnancy announcement

[Longstop]

DH and I have been unsuccessfully TTC for years and recently started our 1st round of IVF. We told immediate family about this, as we have a close relationship and wanted their support. Sadly we found out the news that the cycle was unsuccessful and we were devastated. Soon after we told family. 4 days after this, SIL announced her own pregnancy on our family group chat. Despite knowing what had happened with our IVF, she didn’t speak to us beforehand privately to give us the heads up, and I felt blindsided. Later in the day, MIL said how ecstatic she was that one of her children was FINALLY making her a grandmother…which really hurt.

I told DH how upset I was about the way SIL had made her announcement, which felt insensitive so close to our own news, and how I was further hurt by MIL’s comment.

DH thinks I’m massively overreacting due to hormones from the IVF. AIBU to feel hurt and to want to speak to SIL and MIL about this?

You are not being unreasonable - I can relate entirely to this post. It is entirely possible to be happy for them but still be sad for yourself and no heads up prior to public posting, especially as you’ve been so open with her, in my opinion is completely lacking in empathy.
one thing to mitigate here is I do think for ppl going through fertility issues and ivf go through a very unique kind of trauma that is all encompassing but also very difficult for people not experiencing it to fully understand, as they have never had to consider life decisions about kids being taken out of their hands. I don’t personally think that excuses such lack of empathy, especially of close family, and insensitivity but you can’t change it.
i am very sorry, i know EXACTLY how you feel!

In their position I would never post my pregnancy news like that. It would have cost nothing for sil to tell you privately beforehand. And your mil’s wording was awful.

I was so sensitive to my friends with fertility issues when I fell pregnant. It’s not that damn hard to be kind and tactful whilst still celebrating your own news.

good luck OP with your journey.

Just to add that I probably would not say anything to your sister-in-law as she might say that you have ruined her pregnancy excitement. I do think it would be reasonable to speak to your mother-in-law about the hurtful wording, however.

Bloody hell, that "finally" from your mil was horrible.
And yes, messaging you beforehand would have been thoughtful of your sil.

It's difficult, your fertility and IVF are at the forefront of your mind at all times, whereas SIL being pregnant is at the forefront of hers and (assuming no awful backstory) simply didn't think. That said, she did message rather than gather you all around for an announcement, so you did have time to read and absorb the information before dealing with it.

MIL should have definitely been more sensitive, and I would probably find a way to mention it to her when her words sting a little less.

YANBU to feel hurt. I think it would be much better for DH to talk to MIL about how insensitive her comments have been (and that excitement about a grandchild does not mitigate her remarks). I agree with CrimpNStraighten, that now doesn't seem like the best time to talk to SIL.

Good luck with your journey OP.

i think they have both been incredibly insensitive given your situation and I would feel the same as you. The whole thing could and should have been handled in such a way that gave you time to come to terms with the situation.

I wouldn’t want to speak to them about this as it would too upsetting, but I would hope that my husband understood and would be able to speak to his sister and mother on my behalf. I would be very disappointed in his lack of support. You are absolutely not overreacting.

I’m sorry you’re going through all this and wish you the very best for the future.

Sorry to hear about your loss 🌺

You know them better so there may be form for SIL to be like this but I could attribute the way that she went about it to good intentions. If she had messaged you separately or announced to the family in person then it could have put more pressure on you to respond. I'm not saying it's ok but she could have been acting in good faith.

Your MIL's comments were awful though- completely unpleasant and I can't see a different way to interpret them. I think focus on that one with DH.

I am sorry that you are struggling OP.

I think it can be hard to know what to do. I would really dislike the thought that people would be thinking they would have to be careful what they said and did around me. I'd much, much rather they carry on as normal. I would have wanted the SIL to post on the group WhatsApp rather than talk to me first. I wouldn't see that talking to you first would change anything. It's not going to make you less upset.
The MIL comment is certainly thoughtless though. Did she say it in your company 🫤

I agree with this, given your own situation I can totally understand why you are upset however this is your SIL special news and I don’t think in general she was unreasonable to share it with her family in a group chat. She may have felt or been told that this was the best way to deliver the news rather than approach you guys separately or tell everybody in person. Everybody is different and some people would prefer a message in a group chat rather than being singled out and approached separately.

MIL comment was very poorly thought through and if I was being generous I’d say maybe she was just really excited and didn’t think but DH could speak to her.

SIL announced her own pregnancy on our family group chat.

I think that was the best way to announce it frankly. You had to know at some point, she did not put you on the spot, let you deal with the news and your emotions privately. What else could she have done?

she didn’t speak to us beforehand privately to give us the heads up that would have been a terrible idea. It's not like she announced it in the middle of a family diner.

MIL said how ecstatic she was that one of her children was FINALLY making her a grandmother
that was insensitive and completely unnecessary, she's an idiot who didn't think but at least now you are warned

Agree with all of this. Your SIL did the right thing I think. I hope it works out for you soon though i understand the situation is hard.

You're not overreacting at all. I went through similar last year. When my first FET failed, a colleague at work got pregnant. When my third FET was cancelled due to my body not working with the hormones as it was supposed to, my manager told me they were organising a maternity leave gift pot for said colleague. To top it off, when my next attempt at doing our third FET came around, my manager tried to get me to rearrange the date due to understaffing. So they organise a maternity leave gift pot for a colleague and then try to stifle my already very slim chances when the time is right for us. I went in the end, after threatening to invoice my boss for the cancellation fee and medication costs. They had their tail between their legs after that, but the hurt and misery was something else. Some people are just utterly, utterly thoughtless.

Who is on the family WhatsApp? In a closed family group they’ve let you know without putting you on the spot. Honestly, there’s no way for it not to hurt. Mil’s comment was rubbish and hurtful.

It's horrible but I’ve been on the other side. My db and wife were starting IVF while I had a second pregnancy that was twins, just to really rub salt in the wound. I had a very open and caring conversation with my db but that was a few weeks after the announcement. I’ve never approached sil about it, I assumed db would have that conversation and she’s been nothing but a wonderful auntie (she went on to become pregnant 18 months later). I had my own struggles with a high risk pregnancy and sickness that saw me hospitalised. While I’m sure they were sad, I was allowed to feel happy. Thankfully they were excited for me and never made me feel guilty.

honestly I can't believe they did that. So awful. You have every right to be upset and furious with them. I would be cutting all ties, personally. I can't believe anyone here is defending your SIL, those people have clearly never experienced fertility issues. She definitely should have told you privately, and she should have waited a few weeks at least, give you time to process your situation.

I think SIL was good to tell you online / over message and I can see it would feel like a gentler way to do it than in person.

MIL reaction is horrid and I would call her out on it.

Ah op. I really feel for you, I remember crying a whole day in a similar situation.
what I realised was, before my ivf experience, I thought and probably even said insensitive things. Until I went through it,which put a new lens on life,on hurt,on consideration of other peoples circumstances.
I thought I had empathy before but look back on mistakes I made with friends who were having ivf.
yes, they were both in the wrong I think. Your SIL should have text you separately and your MIL should not have said what she did. It hurts so badly. I remember some of those hurts and still flinch now.
I think you should speak to your MIL to avoid her doing it again. Otherwise, you’ll end up withdrawing from his family to protect yourself.
I did the ivf journey twice and was given 1% chance due to age and other circumstances and got my baby in the end. Keep going, it’s so so hard and feels like it will never happen for you. The world is painfully full of reminders, poor comments and what you’ve just experienced. Keep strong

I really agree with this.

As someone in a similar position to yourself, I'd rather be sent a group message that I can just put "congratulations" to and digest in my own time - being told f2f is a lot of pressure and being pre told just means I need to send a 1 on 1 message. Group text is perfect imo.

The only thing I would be hurt about would be the "finally" comment, which is unnecessary and really rude.

Life goes on for other people. And it makes folk less sensitive when they have exciting news to share. People get cack-handed with it too as they would think pussy footing around you makes an issue out of your difficulties.

They shouldn't feel like they can't share their news with their family ans there is no way to do this that wouldnt upset you realistically . It is ok to be happy for them while being sad for you

Mil's comment was insensitive and she's probably kicking herself for it.

You are understandably sensitive to anything baby related currently. Ivf rarely works on the first attempt sometimes it takes many. Many attempts.

Try to ignore the crass comments. Fingers crossed for your next attempt 🙏

This! Not quite the same but DH and I have been ttc (and all that comes with infertility!!) for a couple of years now and my sibling announced their ‘surprise pregnancy’ to us in front of the entire family, before talking about how inconvenient the timing was 🙃 of course I was, ultimately, happy for them and congratulated them heartily at the time but absolutely blindsided and cried the whole way home. A message feels more detached and thus easier to process your feelings in private.
your mil was fucking horrible, and her comment was way out of line.

Oh you poor thing! I think the SIL may have been trying to tell you in a way where you could let your feelings out and wouldn’t be on show. Awful timing but she has to share at some point. Your MIL was incredibly hurtful though and needs your DH to have a word.

TTC is such a heartbreaking thing when it doesn’t go to plan. Nowhere near like your situation but, when I was TTC, I was 6 months in with a MC in that time when a colleague shoved her scan picture in my face. I had to take myself off to cry.

I really hope it works out for you soon!

Wow. Did she really say 'finally'? What. utter contempt for you and so insensitive. You should definitely have been told privately beforehand. No excuses for your charming mother in law.

The finally comment from MIL is really the only thing out of order.

The SIL was allowed to be excited for her own pregnancy. She told you over WhatsApp, it may have been in a group setting but I don’t see how that’s worse than messaging you privately. If anything the responses get swept up in the group and there’s less pressure on your reply.
I think the timing is largely irrelevant, I’m sure it would have hurt whether it was 4 days or 4 weeks later just due to what you went through. But that’s just the situation, it’s not really your SIL’s fault.

I think your SiL wasn't out of order, but your MiL very much was with the 'finally' comment. I'd want my husband to speak to her about that as I'm not sure I could politely.

I think considering she's your sister in law and not an actual blood relative there's nothing wrong with how she announced it. But your MIL shouldn't have worded it like that.