To be upset with SIL & MIL re pregnancy announcement

[Longstop]

DH and I have been unsuccessfully TTC for years and recently started our 1st round of IVF. We told immediate family about this, as we have a close relationship and wanted their support. Sadly we found out the news that the cycle was unsuccessful and we were devastated. Soon after we told family. 4 days after this, SIL announced her own pregnancy on our family group chat. Despite knowing what had happened with our IVF, she didn’t speak to us beforehand privately to give us the heads up, and I felt blindsided. Later in the day, MIL said how ecstatic she was that one of her children was FINALLY making her a grandmother…which really hurt.

I told DH how upset I was about the way SIL had made her announcement, which felt insensitive so close to our own news, and how I was further hurt by MIL’s comment.

DH thinks I’m massively overreacting due to hormones from the IVF. AIBU to feel hurt and to want to speak to SIL and MIL about this?

SIL hasn't done anything wrong. There was no foolproof way to break the news without it being painful for you. You may feel that telling you privately would have been better, but not everyone who struggles with fertility would agree, and SIL isn't a mind reader.

MIL has really fucked up here. Her comment was very cruel. I wonder whether you would even be upset with SIL at all if MIL hadn't twisted the knife. She does need to be told - and not by you - that what she said was devastating.

The real villain of the piece is your DH. How dare he minimise the hurt his mother has caused by blaming your hormones. I wonder whether he realises just how misogynistic that is, how utterly disloyal and callous he is being, and how gutless it is for a grown man to be so afraid of offending his mother that he throws his wife under the bus while she is hurting.

I thought the etiquette was to tel the person who is having fertility problems via message so they can deal with the feelings privately, before making an announcement to everyone.
Your MIL is a bitch for her comment.

I wouldn't say anything to your SIL. She didn't really do anything wrong, although I understand why you might feel differently.

Your MIL however... I'd be pretty upset with her. Completely unnecessary thing for her to say. For your own sanity though I'd try to get past it if at all possible.

Sending you lots of love and strength x

@OhmygodDont the difference between a group message and a private message is that the group setting puts OP under pressure to respond in a time frame which doesn't make everyone else notice her silence.

I thought I'd made that part clear in my original post.

You can feel upset, sure. But why should you diminish someone else's joy?

I say that as a woman who had 6 rounds of ivf and didn't get pissy when other people announced their pregnancies. Bad form.

I'm sorry you have a DH problem

Your MiL was really horrible and I'd struggle to ignore it

I hope you have success soon

So hand the phone to your husband to write congrats if you must or send a 🥳. Honestly it’s not hard to fake a happy message 🙄

Odds are nobody would really care and likely expect the op to take a moment day or two or whatever.

But hey let’s make someone’s happy news become a downer.

I think it’s horrible. I had something similar from my delightful SIL who then proceeded to message to and ask if I was ok and BIL
complained to MIL that I we hadn’t said congratulations within 12hrs and we needed to let them know we were ok with them being pregnant.

With my first baby I messaged two people at work just to give them the heads up, said you don’t need to reply but just wanted to let you know before the news came out. I think it’s just being a decent human being if you know someone has been struggling.

i would ask your husband to have a chat with your MIL and see if she understood the implications of her words

Exactly. Unless you actually experience infertility and IVF you don't know what it is like. FACT. A small message would not take two minutes to do and prepare you enough to make you able to say congratulations.

DH talks with MIL about the wording and the pain it has caused you (both). She either made a gaffe and this will help to increase her awareness and she will be more sensitive towards you in the future while still celebrating her first GC. Or she’s a bitch and you can’t fix that. Say nothing to SIL. She can celebrate or announce her pregnancy as she chooses. This i recognize will be difficult for you OP. You keep believing you will conceive and you will OP. Science is your friend. Be the SIL you would want to have were the situation reversed and believe in your heart a little cousin is coming very soon via you.

If only that worked. Many of us wouldn't have needed IVF.

Been there so totally understand how you feel...I'd be in tears. Tbh your sil announcing it online is better than Facebook...your mil using the word finally I'll be furious about. Yanbu. X

So sorry about your IVF OP, such a brutal process.

Your MIL was outrageously insensitive and really quite horrible. No way should that be dismissed as you / hormones . Dreadful.

Your SIL’s news is trickier. Of course she is ecstatic and everyone happy for her. But clearly a v sensitive moment for her, and if I were her I would have asked my DH to have a gentle word with his brother and say the news was coming. But then given that the brother is your DH the sensitivity might not translate!

You or your DH need to tell MIL how hurtful her comment was in the circumstances, but without raining on SIL’s parade or expecting MIL not to be excited.

I think you are overreacting a bit.
And I’m saying this as the one who came through years of infertility.
Your SIL gave you space to react but she’s excited and wanted to share her news. It’s much better than a txt directly to you or a phone call, believe me!
Your MIL’s comment wasn’t perfect so I would ask DH to mention this to her but I wouldn’t hold it against her strongly as she probably was carried away. The problem is that you are focusing on that it didn’t happen whereas your MIL is probably thinking that it’s not happened yet but will soon.

I think that this is a hard one to get right and we don’t know the back story like you do.

She’s not unreasonable to tell her mum first - is she the type who would have called your husband straight away? In which case it makes sense to tell her mum and brother in the same post because she doesn’t want her mum to be the one who tell your h.

Personally I think that announcing by message is best so that you don’t have to put on a game face and you have time to post a socially acceptable congratulations message.

The finally comment is cruel but is your MIL the type who will be embarrassed or would she double down and say that she calls a spade a spade and just bitch about you behind your back? Some people won’t accept responsibility for their behaviour and apologise.

I agree with you that the real issue is her MIL and her husband denial or refusal to address it.

yes it would have been nice for SIL to reach out separately but she could also feel that would be taken the wrong way and her announcement was not throwing it your face but MIL’s comment was mean and unnecessary.

agree with others about SIL - could possibly have handled it better but also might have thought she was being sensitive. If she was excited and wanting to share/scare that someone else might let the news slip by accident then any longer than 4 days might have seemed like a long time to wait.

No excuse for MIL though - that sentence is of no possible positive benefit to anyone. SIL would have still understood how excited she was had she posted literally anything else, or even just that sentence without the finally. Apart from being incredibly insensitive towards you, it's also passive aggressive towards SIL herself and any other children she might have.

I don’t think your SIL was being unreasonable, maybe she thought that was the best way to announce it rather than face to face.

Your MILs comments were horrible though.

Yanbu, they were both wrong imo. Your SIL could have at least waited a week or two.
Your mil - that's unforgivable to me.
Your dh - I would take a good hard look at the type of person you are tying yourself to. You are going to face many battles in life with him as he has clearly let you know that you are second to his family.

I think your SIL was probably never going to get it right whatever she did.

Your MIL is an arsehole though.

Hi OP, I can understand why you feel hurt and upset; they have both been thoughtless and insensitive. I'm not making excuses for them but it is likely that they got caught up with the happiness of the news. I do think it is worth considering having a tactful word ; that might make you feel able to dilute your emotions. You have been through a rollercoaster of emotions and you need to focus on taking care of yourself. I wish you hope and success on your fertility journey

So you have to tell sil before your parents so they have time to prepare? Nonsense. Their happiness doesn’t need to be with a shadow of guilt imposed. I’ve experienced baby loss which doesn’t take away from other’s happiness. If they did it in a big public announcement to their face I’d agree it was inappropriate but it was a WhatsApp they could read and take time before replying.

This happened very similarly to me, except my SIL made a thoughtless comment in the same style as your MIL and the news was announced on a zoom call in front of family.
this was while I was having IVF and had two recent miscarriages.
Since then I am lucky to have had children and you would think my feelings would have softened. I am polite to her but that’s it. The people I let in are people who would not do that. You are either thoughtless or not. Kind or not. Sensitive to others.

Being supportive of others in the way you share your news does not diminish the lovely news you have.
I am so sorry you have experienced this

You're not being unreasonable - they have been insensitive and hurtful. Your SIL could have messaged you privately to tell you the news and acknowledge that the timing is obviously difficult for you. MILs comment was outrageous given that she knows you've been trying to conceive. Most worrying is your husband's response - he should understand how hurtful this has been for you. He sounds as emotionally stunted as the rest of his family ☹️

Is this the right relationship for you?
Is this the right man for you?

I think not.
Mind yourself.