To be upset with SIL & MIL re pregnancy announcement

[Longstop]

DH and I have been unsuccessfully TTC for years and recently started our 1st round of IVF. We told immediate family about this, as we have a close relationship and wanted their support. Sadly we found out the news that the cycle was unsuccessful and we were devastated. Soon after we told family. 4 days after this, SIL announced her own pregnancy on our family group chat. Despite knowing what had happened with our IVF, she didn’t speak to us beforehand privately to give us the heads up, and I felt blindsided. Later in the day, MIL said how ecstatic she was that one of her children was FINALLY making her a grandmother…which really hurt.

I told DH how upset I was about the way SIL had made her announcement, which felt insensitive so close to our own news, and how I was further hurt by MIL’s comment.

DH thinks I’m massively overreacting due to hormones from the IVF. AIBU to feel hurt and to want to speak to SIL and MIL about this?

It was thoughtless and perhaps insensitive of them, but they are so excited that they were thinking of themselves rather than you, which is understandable. I can’t see any point at all in you speaking to them about it. At most, your DH could tell his mother privately how much her words upset you.
I don’t think his sister has done anything wrong - you had to find out some time and I think it would have been worse if she'd made a cringingly "special" effort to tell you separately. I don’t think you should spoil her happiness.

Your MILs comment was hurtful, but I don’t think your SIL has done anything wrong. She shared her news in the group chat rather than face to face which was sensitive of her. I’ve been in her position before when a close family member was going through years of infertility and unsuccessful IVF whilst we had our second baby. We made sure to tell them by message and not in person, barely mentioned the pregnancy apart from sharing that scans had gone well. I didn’t even get a congratulations from them, neither asked how I was the whole pregnancy or asked anything about it which actually really hurt. Now they are pregnant which is amazing but they message all the time on the group chat about updates and get loads of messages, it makes me really sad that I couldn’t share with the family. I think I should have been able to and your SIL should be able to. Just another perspective from the other side.

I think it would be a shitty thing to do, to talk to them about it and make her happy news all upsetting. Yes it’s hard when others get pregnant if you can’t but it’s a monumental thing for them and I wouldn’t do anything to blight that.
Sometimes people are insensitive but there’s little to be gained from pissing on their parade. Be the person who celebrates for others even when it hurts.

I’m so sorry you are having a hard and disappointing time. It’s a horrible time for you.

I think YABU re SIL.

YANBU re MIL.

However, I probably wouldn’t bother raising it with her, you will just be accused of being over sensitive and pissing on SILs chips.

I would withdraw a little a tell MIL a lot less.

I hope things work out for you soon.

Same as the others. Sil can announce the way she wants but mil no that's insensitive and tactless.

YABU re SIL
YANBU re MIL

I think your SIL may actually have been attempting to be sensitive in announcing it via a message to a family group chat -- I can appreciate it hurt you, but I would have preferred that to a private headsup, or anything face to face, because at least I could bawl in privacy. Yes, your MIL's message was idiotically insensitive.

I don't, however, think there's anything to be gained in talking about it. The insensitive will be insensitive, and when called on it, get huffy and defensive: 'You can't say ANYTHING!'

However, it's very likely others in the family chat will have noticed.

Best wishes for the IVF, OP.

Your reaction is very understandable OP but I don’t think your SIL did anything wrong. Having some friends who struggle with pregnancy news, I know they are actually different in how they’d like to find out - some would want a private heads up; others wouldn’t because they see it as pity. Your SIL had no way of knowing.

MIL might be insensitive but she probably got overexcited, understandably. Has she been understanding and supportive outside of that thoughtless comment? If yes, I think it’s unfair to condemn her for it. If not, your husband needs to have a talk to his family, explain where you’re coming from as a couple and what you might appreciate them (not) doing in this context.

There’s the whole pregnancy, new baby etc etc still to come - they might continue to unwillingly upset you unless that talk happens.

best of luck x

Honestly I would have called my brother and told him privately, and said "I appreciate it's difficult, wanted to give you some time to tell SIL in the best way you think and give you both some time to process it before I announced in the group chat."

Your SIL didn't do anything wrong. She put it in the group chat. She didn't tell you face to face or in front of others so you can feel your feelings and don't need to act happy in front of her. I'd say she was respectful.

Your MIL was the hurtful one, though I think from a place of excitement rather than malice. Doesn't make it hurt less though. Question is whether it's worth a conversation with MIL about how what she said was hurtful or if it will cause more upset.

I think your sil did the right thing. She didn’t single you out as if you needing kid gloves and she also didn’t ambush you in person. It was a family group chat text so really no different than if she had of text you first. A text is a text. It gives/gave you time to read it and then mull over a response and let you have your feelings in private. Depending on how far along she is they could of already been waiting hoping yours was positive as to not steal your exciting news then they have left it a brief while and well frankly they had to tell their own parent at some point.

Mils comment however was unkind but more than likely without thought slip of the tongue kinda thing since she’s just so excited to become a granny.

I don't think your SiL has done anything wrong, but your MiL has been incredibly insensitive.

This, and think the MIL had just got excited about the news she was going to become a GM. I don’t suppose she gave much thought to anything else.

Personally, I think the SIL would have been better off texting OP one on one, giving her time to digest before messaging the group chat.
I do agree that it would have been putting OP on the spot to tell her face to face, but equally in a group setting where others can see a response, or lack of immediate response, the OP is still under pressure to acknowledge and congratulate in a timeframe that no one can pick apart.
If she had text just her, the OP could have taken a minute to sit with her feelings before responding.

The MIL is an absolute prick, so I would store that 'finally' comment away and keep her at arms length going forwards.

Your SIL prob should've text her brother or you beforehand, but ultimately she hasn't done anything wrong. This must be her first pregnancy too so excitement can take over. Maybe she's not experienced losses/ infertility so doesn't understand the impact.
Your MIL was very wrong to say what she said though.

YANBU . But get used to it. I was 10 years in the ivf game.
Fertile people give no fecks whatsoever that many people struggle to conceive and will persistently rub your face in it.
It's like all empathy and consideration goes out the window.

You'll learn to have a thick skin.

I finally had my son after 8 attempts . Hopefully your journey will be smoother x

But how long after texting op should the sil wait before she can share her news with her own parents and family? It was a text message not a party interruption or a dinner interrupted or anything a text the op could read and respond to at any point regardless of it being a group text or individual.

A day? A week? A month? How long has the sil already waited as to not hurt the ops and her brothers feeling knowing their ivf failed.

I'm sorry you are going through this. All I can say is perhaps they felt a WhatsApp announcement would be better than a big fuss in front of you in person at a family meal or event. Perhaps they felt they were being sensitive than what they'd originally planned.

I think your MIL crossed the line but I'm guessing she's one of those people who doesn't think before she speaks. A 'that's insensitive to say' would have been an appropriate response.

Your husband saying you're massively unreasonable is concerning......you can see sensitivity is not a family trait.

Both SIL/MIL were insensitive...MIL shockingly so.

Take some space and perhaps mute that whatsapp group.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I’m so sorry about the IVF bad news.

I think you are probably but understandably unreasonable about your SIL but as for your MIL! What was she thinking?!

There will be no one size fits all but often people on here who have had losses or fertility problems advise notifying people going through similar by text or other written means so that the recipient can react in whatever way they need to in privacy.

Have they form for being unkind or this this a one off?

But how long after texting op should the sil wait before she can share her news with her own parents and family?

@OhmygodDont surely she didn't share the news with her parents via WhatsApp? I'm assuming she'd have already told them, face to face or over a telephone call?

Even telling the OP or her husband the day before the WhatsApp group would have sufficed

Someone else here who went through infertility - 8 years of TTC before adopting and many, many, many pregnancy announcements.

You aren’t being unreasonable but your husband is right. At the moment, infertility and IVF is everything in your brain. Every pregnancy announcement feels like a big, personal attack on you but it isn’t. It just feels like it is.

SIL doing it over WhatsApp was probably following the (very common) advice of texting the information first and didn’t want anyone to feel like they hadn’t been told first. MIL’s comment was probably because she is very excited about being a grandparent finally, but that isn’t a dig at you and more than likely a comment at her age/her children’s ages and her general excitement. I mean this in a kind way, but hearing the pregnancy news then, you weren’t in the forefront of their minds.

I can’t tell you it gets easier. It is very hard when this feels like your entire life but try not fall out with everyone. Be angry, cry, rage in private and then smile and congratulate them.

One day, it will be you announcing that you’re going to be a Mummy and I promise you, this won’t feel so significant. Good luck on your journey.

Thanks everyone. I think perhaps it was the case that SIL had thought she was announcing her pregnancy in the most sensitive way, whilst not singling us out. I wasn’t expecting her to meet and tell us face and face but I thought it would’ve been nice for a text or phone call to us directly just as a little heads up before the group message.

MIL has particularly hurt me as she knows how devastated we have both been, and it’s not the first time shes made thoughtless comments either. DH refuses to ever acknowledge she’s in the wrong and I have to either suck it up or be the bad guy who brings it up to her. Very tiresome.

Well she shared it in the family chat and then mil very excitedly responded so maybe she did.

Maybe she didn’t and had told her before hand. But let’s face it there would never be a good time would there. It was a text op can open and ignore or open and respond at her own free will. That’s why I don’t get the angst a private text I’m pregnant or a group text I’m pregnant it makes zero difference.

I think they were both incredibly insensitive. They could have kept the news to themselves for another week or two to allow OP a little longer to get over the bad news . Or just told their parents .
MIL’a comment was awful .DH should speak to her. Thoughtless!