Mum friend too much

[Labmum321]

I made a mum friend on maternity leave a few years ago. I’m weeks away from having my second. In the last ten months I went from part time to full time at work and I no longer have much free time to see this other mum. I work compressed hours over 4 days. This only leaves me with a few hours on a night to make tea and spend time with my little one. On my one weekday off I like to spend the quality time with my child and not be distracted with play dates as they’re at nursery the rest of the week.

She calls me and doesn’t get off the phone for at least an hour and it’s usually just talking about other people she knows in life that I don’t know or care to hear about. I never answer to her when I’m with LO. She’d ring whilst I’m at work and I’ve made the mistake of answering a few times, then I fall behind at work! The more I try and distance myself the more she messages and calls. I’m really trying to pull away from this relationship as it’s causing me stress, I don’t have the time I used to and I’m trying to prepare for my second.

If I don’t reply to her text she will Facebook message, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and/or call many times and then send voice notes saying it was an accident. Then she’ll send really long voice notes that vary between 5-20 minutes long! She messages every time she goes to the shops (sometimes daily) to ask if I need anything getting and dropping off even though I’ve told her each time, no thanks I have a car and two legs, if I need anything I will go and get it myself. I’m not on my own and I’m not struggling and after telling her no thanks again and again it really wears thin.

I don’t want to block her, she’s a lovely person or was before this, but obviously lonely as her husband works late most days but it’s just too much for me. I go on maternity leave in a few weeks and she works term time only and thinks we’ll be meeting up all the time! (We won’t.) I used to really enjoy her company but this is too much now and it’s really put me off wanting to be her friend. She has turned up at my house a few times after I’ve said I’m busy to ‘drop things off’ (that I haven’t asked for or needed) but ends up keeping me on the doorstep for ages. She messages at least 2-3 times a day on different apps and I very rarely reply.

What would you do? A few months ago I’d had enough after receiving a really long voice note where she’s almost in tears saying if I don’t want to be friends anymore then that’s fine as I’d stop replying to her constantly. I sent her a message saying sorry, I have a lot on and just don’t have the time right now to invest in this friendship. After that I received a 10 minute long voice note saying she understands in one breath then the next 9 and a half minutes was trying to have a catch up. I’ve stopped listening to the voice notes now too as they take up too much time.

I really don’t know what else to do. Am I being unreasonable here to want to cut her off or is this really odd behaviour? Has anyone else experienced similar and if so how did you handle it?

That gift bag was bizarre OP!

As a PP said, this is about her needs and nothing to do with you. She’s doing the gift version of hammering on the door, insisting she be let in.

Well done for writing the text.

Thats quite a bag, and alot of stuff!

OP before your DH returns the "gifts", you should take pictures of them in case you need them.

Don't delete any messages from her yet.

She's not your friend, she's harassing you and she may continue to. You should keep some "evidence" in case you need to go to the police.

You don't have to put up with this. Hope you manage to get rid of her and she doesn't bother you any further.

I know somebody like this. I think it happens usually when people are lonely due to a bad marriage/dh working a lot, or don't have a lot of other social activities/family days out etc.

The person I know is lovely, but has a lot more free time than I do for play dates, even though she makes out she has loads to do.

We tend to go out a lot as a family, and my sen child keeps me busy, I don't have childcare like she does, and dd can play with her sister. Nerodiverse dd won't come on the play date, so it's awkward. They're close in age, so they can play with each other now, finally. It isn't worth walking all of the way to a soft play that benefits where she lives, and isn't where I am, there's closer places, but apparently it is around the corner from me also!

I feel a bit used, as her dcs aren't at an age where they can fully entertain each other yet. I'm sure if she was in my situation, she wouldn't be suggesting it. I have been polite and given genuine reasons, but I can tell she takes offence. I can maybe do something in the summer hols, but she'll suggest it when there is only one week off, and on every school holiday, even after school. That would be a logistical nightmare for us, couldn't do it, have dinner to prep, NT dd etc. It's like she thinks dh can just leave work, she knows I have no child care. Dd doesn't want to go either, as tired after school, and won't walk all of that way. I wouldn't have time to make dinner, her garden is next door, and she is entertaining her dcs before dinner at my expense.

When dh gets time off work we go out as a family, and take advantage of thay time together. As I am getting older I'm realising you can't please everybody, and have to do what suits you; they certainly do!

Yes, Ive known similar and I knew the reason and realised I wasnt qualified to help. My ' friend' was mistreated as a child and it must have affected her. Her behaviour was bizarre and so I froze her out because it seemed to me that she continued to allow the SO in her life to continue the mistreatment. You have to its so draining emotionally.

The response

She has apologised that it’s come across this way, said she wanted to drop the gifts to not overwhelm me once baby was here & her intentions were pure. She said she tried to respect my space & is sorry the friendship has made me anxious and said she’s been anxious trying to respect my space whilst also wanting to msg. She said she’s hurt it’s come across this way & it took a lot for her to let her guard down and she’s equally anxious writing her msg. She’s told me she’ll remove me from socials so she doesn’t come across this way. She’s hurt we went from talking everyday to not at all and she has tried to respect my space while still being supportive and still being my friend. she said she put a lot of thought into the gifts and dropped the birthday food off so we’d feel included. The last part of the msg said she’d be here when I’m ready & hopes one day we can get back to being friends.

I didn’t say in the message that I wanted to unfriend her, I just said I really need some space and that I’d reach out when I’m ready to for a catch up. I feel slightly relieved that she will take me off socials though as I can post guilt free having not responded to her msgs. I feel really bad that it has come to this and that she feels the way she does too. I have a feeling that that won’t be her last message on the subject though I really hope it is, but it’s good to finally have it off my chest and I won’t be replying to her response.

just want to say thank you for all your advice and support on this. I’ve been feeling like I’m being insane/over dramatic but having written it out and reading your responses, it is actually a lot!

You have to, I cut off what I thought was a friend of 10 years, she had been using me as a personal therapist the entire time. I realised when she only spoke to me when she thought her life wasn't going well (which was a lot). She always came to my house, brought her child, left loads of mess when I was pregnant with my second dc, used tissue on floor, toys out etc, and didn't once get up off her bum. I ran around pregnant bringing in coffee and cake, lunch for her kid who was full of cold), while she used my place as soft play, and to entertain her dc who wasn't in nursery yet.

She never invited us to hers. Her whole family said she was selfish, and she would cancel last minute on you, wasting my time. After having dc2, and alot to deal with in my own life, I cut her off, realising what a mug I had been all of these years!

That's a positive step but don't forget you should take her off your socials too - block or mute her on whatever sm you have her on.

Your DH is a good egg to drop off the stuff back at her place.

Time to let out a huge sigh of relief at this point. You don't need to worry about her for the foreseeable and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Ah op, well done, you've done the right thing. I think unfortunately some people can't help but to put on to others. She would fall back into old patterns. You're best to keep her at a distance, I wouldn't reply either.

So...she's effectively guilt tripped you and made it all about her feelings?

The stuff in the bag isn't even for the baby is it? So she would (and might still) most likely be coming round with another gift for baby, seeing as she seems to enjoy leaving you parcels...

Don't take the bait. Block her on social media
so she can't see pictures/updates of you and the kids.

She doesn’t seem to realise her actions are obsessive and over-the-top (harassment?). I don’t know anyone who messages constantly, leaves long answerphone messages, texts continually etc.

wWell done in sending the message and staying strong.

Yes return everything you want to. Just drop it on the doorstep.

You need to blunt but not too blunt.

After you've returned the items I'd send a message saying 'I've returned xyx to your doorstep, please don't drop anything in future I'm feeling a uncomfortable with it.

Ignore her response - she's just trying to guilt trip you - it's what they do unfortunately.

I'd just delete her number and carry on with life.

Agree! Definitely block her from socials if you can. It’s obvious from her response that she still doesn’t really think she’s done anything wrong.

Deleted as seen your update.

She sounds completely unaware of normal boundaries and behaviour, and that's not your problem.

Don't reply further op. Block her on all your socials when you unfriend so she can't see your updates, when you're online, try to re-add you etc, and just don't reach out again. Keep it no contact at all.