Mum friend too much

[Labmum321]

I made a mum friend on maternity leave a few years ago. I’m weeks away from having my second. In the last ten months I went from part time to full time at work and I no longer have much free time to see this other mum. I work compressed hours over 4 days. This only leaves me with a few hours on a night to make tea and spend time with my little one. On my one weekday off I like to spend the quality time with my child and not be distracted with play dates as they’re at nursery the rest of the week.

She calls me and doesn’t get off the phone for at least an hour and it’s usually just talking about other people she knows in life that I don’t know or care to hear about. I never answer to her when I’m with LO. She’d ring whilst I’m at work and I’ve made the mistake of answering a few times, then I fall behind at work! The more I try and distance myself the more she messages and calls. I’m really trying to pull away from this relationship as it’s causing me stress, I don’t have the time I used to and I’m trying to prepare for my second.

If I don’t reply to her text she will Facebook message, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and/or call many times and then send voice notes saying it was an accident. Then she’ll send really long voice notes that vary between 5-20 minutes long! She messages every time she goes to the shops (sometimes daily) to ask if I need anything getting and dropping off even though I’ve told her each time, no thanks I have a car and two legs, if I need anything I will go and get it myself. I’m not on my own and I’m not struggling and after telling her no thanks again and again it really wears thin.

I don’t want to block her, she’s a lovely person or was before this, but obviously lonely as her husband works late most days but it’s just too much for me. I go on maternity leave in a few weeks and she works term time only and thinks we’ll be meeting up all the time! (We won’t.) I used to really enjoy her company but this is too much now and it’s really put me off wanting to be her friend. She has turned up at my house a few times after I’ve said I’m busy to ‘drop things off’ (that I haven’t asked for or needed) but ends up keeping me on the doorstep for ages. She messages at least 2-3 times a day on different apps and I very rarely reply.

What would you do? A few months ago I’d had enough after receiving a really long voice note where she’s almost in tears saying if I don’t want to be friends anymore then that’s fine as I’d stop replying to her constantly. I sent her a message saying sorry, I have a lot on and just don’t have the time right now to invest in this friendship. After that I received a 10 minute long voice note saying she understands in one breath then the next 9 and a half minutes was trying to have a catch up. I’ve stopped listening to the voice notes now too as they take up too much time.

I really don’t know what else to do. Am I being unreasonable here to want to cut her off or is this really odd behaviour? Has anyone else experienced similar and if so how did you handle it?

This is about your friend and not you, you need to cut her off just be blunt.

I agree. If she has no other friends, there is a good reasons for that. Enjoy your life and do whatever you need to get your peace back.

Yes, very blunt.
And the previous posters are very polite.
Put yourself and your kids first, nobody else is gonna do that for you.

The level of harassment OP detailed is the mean bit. 20 minute long voice notes, pestering and demanding attention over multiple apps is mean. If this woman wants anyone to 'give a shit' about her, she can easily conduct herself in the manner of a normal human being. No one owes her anything.

Op hasn't been clear from what she's said though. Have a proper word and schedule time to respond. She hasn't got time to see or speak to her friend, yet says that it's ''weird'' someone is offering to go get her stuff from the shop. She doesn't value the friendship and picks and chooses what she has time to do so the friend thinks that she's helping out, but then gets called strange. Remember theres only one side to the story here. Cut the friend loose and let her find someone that is going to value having her as a friend as she sounds helpful and kind tbf

She sounds obsessive, and can't take hints. Lack of social awareness and peoples lives. I feel suffocated just reading this. Time to get blunt OP.

Block her on anything that she can leave voice notes on as a starting point

I have a friend like this and it's absolutely awful. It only got better when she found someone else to bother. I'm loving the peace now.

Mute her?

I’m in the minority here, but you’ve not put in any boundaries so how is she to know you’ve had enough ?
once baby is here, she’s the sort that would find a garage at midnight selling breast pads ? She’s overbearing , I get that,but give her a chance ? Put some boundaries in, if she dosent respect that, then cut ties

Can you pretend you want to go to some group classes for something and take her along and subtly encourage her/set her up to make more friends?

20 minutes? That's not a voice note, that's a podcast...

Had this twice, at different times, and unfortunately had to sack off both those friendships - one I still feel terrible about because she was a genuinely good person, but the clinginess and neediness and drain on my time was frankly exhausting and I just didn’t have the hours in the day or the emotional bandwidth to deal with it on top of all the other shit I had going on.

Both these women were insecure and had a neurotic need for constant contact - chats, texts, meet ups, plans. They both started wanting to do family stuff on weekends - inviting us over constantly and looking like kicked puppies if we declined.

They were both nice people, but with a total inability to relax or read the room. Friendship should not feel like hard work; it shouldn’t feel like an obligation. You shouldn’t dread a mate ‘doorstopping’ you, or have to prep excuses in advance when you just want a quiet weekend at home.

Unfortunately it’s a type of cognitive dissonance - they see their behaviour as giving and generous, when it’s actually self-serving. They need the constant communication; they need the reassurance and positive feedback; they push the responsibility for their happiness and self esteem onto other people. It’s borderline vampiric and for the recipient it’s smothering and bloody exhausting.

I ended up gradually ghosting both my needy friends. Not proud but it was necessary. One of them turned up on our doorstep when I’d just got home from hospital with newborn DD in a right state after a horrible CS (hadn’t even seen my mum or my sister yet). She had to be physically prevented from coming up the stairs. The other, uninvited, booked a holiday in the same place as us at the same time - DH was fuming & refused to meet up with them. After those two incidents I realised I just needed to make it stop.

This is such a good post that captures it.

It’s a pity they couldn’t have been introduced to each other!

This would stress me out

Mad behaviour. I would cut ties completely. Whatever boundaries you put in place she’ll ignore so just block and forget about her.

These people are so thick skinned. My adult D has had a couple of these ‘friendships’, I was stunned when she played me their voice notes. So intense and full on.

😂

That would have been amazing - the immovable object meets the unstoppable force. 😄

I had a short lived friendship like this. She would expect me to be available for 3 hour long daily phone calls, despite having young kids and a newborn to care for. She wouldn't actually let me speak on the calls and would be her droning on about people I'd never met. Then she started sending long voice notes, having a one sided conversation with herself. I just stopped initiating conversation with her and would be abrupt in my replies, always be busy when she tried to make plans. That's not something I normally do as I respect and value my friendships, but I also need my own space and this woman was out of control to the point I couldn't take it anymore.

It’s tricky because I think these people genuinely don’t realise what they’re doing; they’re deeply hurt when their friends desert them and can’t work out why, because in their minds they’re putting so much effort into the friendship.

But in reality it’s all on their terms. They determine the frequency and the means of communication; they won’t take no for an answer; they make other people feel obligated to them, invade their privacy and trample every boundary - because on a subconscious level they don’t give a fuck about how you feel; it’s only ever about them.

They’re centred in their own minds at all times, hence the instant emotional blackmail if you try to stand back a bit - “but what about meeeee? Don’t you like me any more?!” It’s childlike emotional disregulation, and kind of narcissistic when you think about it.

Cut ties, OP. It’s sad but she’s not your responsibility.

Good grief, I am exhausted reading that!
How does this woman even have time in the day for so much bloody contact, I have friends that I've had for years that I only have time to contact every couple of months!
She sounds more like a stalker than a friend, personally I would send her one last message making it very clear I wanted no more contact (will be helpful if she doesn't take no for an answer and you have to take it further) and then ignore her completely, I wouldn't block her as it is easier to keep tabs on her state of mind if you can still see the messages.

'she's a lovely person'

Is she though??? I contest this point - 'lovely' people have more self-awareness and don't pour all their needs onto one friend, who clearly has a lot on.

Draft a message or email and spell out to her that you have to reduce contact to one coffee a month (or suchlike), as you are overwhelmed with work and family.

Then stick to that; put her messages into 'archive' on whatsapp. Don't respond.

It's the only way she'll learn, and frankly you are doing her a favour - she will lose any friends she has (and probably has done already) by being so obsessive and needy.

20 minute voice message! WTF!!!

XX

I think we all known someone like this. In the end you have to stop being afraid to offend and just be honest. I had to just tell someone I just can't be on the phone to her every day. Even when I explained there's nothing to talk about if you talk every day she just said 'Oh I can always find something to talk about ', and I said well I can't. I don't even talk to my family every day on the phone and we just don't need to text, call and visit every single day. It's too much. Some people need to be made to take the hint unfortunately and may need a few rounds with the clue bat before they finally get the hint.

This kind of intense befriending is not healthy for her or you, Facebook etc has an on/off button,to save your mental health,I'd us it.