Mum friend too much

[Labmum321]

I made a mum friend on maternity leave a few years ago. I’m weeks away from having my second. In the last ten months I went from part time to full time at work and I no longer have much free time to see this other mum. I work compressed hours over 4 days. This only leaves me with a few hours on a night to make tea and spend time with my little one. On my one weekday off I like to spend the quality time with my child and not be distracted with play dates as they’re at nursery the rest of the week.

She calls me and doesn’t get off the phone for at least an hour and it’s usually just talking about other people she knows in life that I don’t know or care to hear about. I never answer to her when I’m with LO. She’d ring whilst I’m at work and I’ve made the mistake of answering a few times, then I fall behind at work! The more I try and distance myself the more she messages and calls. I’m really trying to pull away from this relationship as it’s causing me stress, I don’t have the time I used to and I’m trying to prepare for my second.

If I don’t reply to her text she will Facebook message, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and/or call many times and then send voice notes saying it was an accident. Then she’ll send really long voice notes that vary between 5-20 minutes long! She messages every time she goes to the shops (sometimes daily) to ask if I need anything getting and dropping off even though I’ve told her each time, no thanks I have a car and two legs, if I need anything I will go and get it myself. I’m not on my own and I’m not struggling and after telling her no thanks again and again it really wears thin.

I don’t want to block her, she’s a lovely person or was before this, but obviously lonely as her husband works late most days but it’s just too much for me. I go on maternity leave in a few weeks and she works term time only and thinks we’ll be meeting up all the time! (We won’t.) I used to really enjoy her company but this is too much now and it’s really put me off wanting to be her friend. She has turned up at my house a few times after I’ve said I’m busy to ‘drop things off’ (that I haven’t asked for or needed) but ends up keeping me on the doorstep for ages. She messages at least 2-3 times a day on different apps and I very rarely reply.

What would you do? A few months ago I’d had enough after receiving a really long voice note where she’s almost in tears saying if I don’t want to be friends anymore then that’s fine as I’d stop replying to her constantly. I sent her a message saying sorry, I have a lot on and just don’t have the time right now to invest in this friendship. After that I received a 10 minute long voice note saying she understands in one breath then the next 9 and a half minutes was trying to have a catch up. I’ve stopped listening to the voice notes now too as they take up too much time.

I really don’t know what else to do. Am I being unreasonable here to want to cut her off or is this really odd behaviour? Has anyone else experienced similar and if so how did you handle it?

You know she works 2 days per week - in order to get her out of your hair (or your kitchen at least), I'd go so far as to take a half day and make sure it was on a day she works, and deposit them back on her doorstep, even if it meant taking annual leave to do it!

Omg I can’t believe she left all her birthday party waste and washing up on your doorstep 😭🤣 that is GRIM.

Just mute her text/WhatsApp chat and be done with it. Let her send her voice notes, don’t listen to them, don’t pick up the phone.

She has just turned up at my house with a big gift bag full of who knows what!!! From what I can see it’s drinks and sweets and activity books for my LO. She didn’t knock but looked through directly at me and LO on the sofa, left it at the door and drove off and then text me to let me know it’s outside the front door.

I’m really going to have to say something now!!

I just need help to word it without saying please leave me alone!!!! I’m going to read back through the whole thread and construct something.

What do I do about the gift bag full of bits? Return it with the plates and tubs when she’s likely to be out/working?

Wow that is stalker territory! I think return the bag, and text to say “Hi friend, you’re such a lovely person but the intensity of contact is too much for me! Can we reset? Let’s exchange a quick text once a week and see how that goes? I won’t be listening to any voice messages, I am just too busy. I do care about you and that’s why I’m being so honest. Hope you understand.”

And you can take out the bit about once a week texts and replace it with have a break from contacting each other for a while, if that works better.

Watch baby reindeer! She is getting into this territory.

Message - thanks for the kind thoughtful gift. I really do need some space at the moment so please don’t send me any messages or leave gifts. Have a lovely summer. I’ll be in touch if I catch time to meet for a coffee .

Leave it all on her doorstep and send her a message saying it's best if we move on now

Oh god, I've got myself stuck with women like this twice!

The first was a woman I met on a two week course. We got on well and we swapped numbers. Big mistake. She rang me at least twice a week to moan about her problems. Oddly, she suddenly stopped contacting me! I suspect life got better and she didn't need a free therapist

The next was a nightmare of a woman I met at toddler group. We got on well, until I realised she was nasty and clingy. She made veiled digs about my weight, the fact I don't go to the gym like she did and my other friends.

In the end, I just stopped seeing her. I turned down invitations etc. She was obviously hurt and stopped speaking to me - a relief, I'm afraid.

Your friend sounds like she needs the blunt treatment.

Women generally find it hard to end friendships, but you can't carry on like this!

Leave everything as it is in the bags that she left on your doorstep.

Add to the bags the plates/containers she previously left on your doorstep.

Return it all to her doorstep with a note attached saying "I'm not interested in pursuing a friendship with you at the moment. Please do not contact me again"

I don't think it matters what you say to her, she's determined that you are a project and she has a saviour complex. I think whatever you say or do, she will disregard. So, return the bag to her doorstep. Tell her please don't drop off any more 'care' packages. I think you will have to tell her that the friendship has run it's course but be prepared for drama.

Just send the message that was suggested on page 1 of this thread.

She sounds very creepy now!

This OP.
She knows exactly what she is doing.
She doesn't care in the least about your feelings about this.
Dumping party food that had obviously been picked through is really batshit.
I wouldn't be worrying about her feelings now.
Return the lot of her crap and ask that she "please respect your need for privacy and to not contact you again".

Remember you could be anyone. This is about her needs, not yours.

What a bizarre thing to do, unless either you or dc are poorly.

Maybe you should send a text thanking her for her kind gesture, but explaining she has too many toys etc, so doesn’t need them, so you’ll be returning them.

Then, as others have said, take control and you’ll dictate the next meeting time. Say you’ll contact her after the summer as you have a lot on now etc. If she sends you texts and messages, ignore them and don’t respond, or maybe once a week at most.

Doesn’t sounds a healthy friendship.

Send a text. Just be honest and even a little blunt. Make yourself clear. Should this escalate, (hopefully it won't) you will be able to refer back to the text in which you have stated that you don't want her gifts.

"Hi XX
Please don't come round and leave offerings on my doorstep. I have no use for them and being honest, I'm finding it intrusive.
I'm going to return the things you dropped off today along with the tupperware from the party food you left before. No more thank you."

Polite, clear, devoid of drama. Inarguable.

Do not accept the gift bag. Put the plates and crockery in a bag outside on your step beside the gift bag. Text her this:

This is a really hard message to write because I really enjoyed our friendship initially. However I have asked to give me some more space but you seem to be finding that difficult. I don't really appreciate you leaving things like food and gifts on my doorstep, even though I know you think that is is being kind - it is overwhelming me and giving me more things to sort out/deal with when I am trying to declutter, spend time with my family and relax. Please can you give me and my family some space whilst I prepare for the arrival of my baby. I have to tell you that I am a low-maintenance friendship kind of person and am used to having friends that don't feel the need to have constant messages and interactions. I would be really glad if you could accept and respect this.

If it were me, I'd see her in person and give her back the items. Go with a strong person - you know the sort of person I mean, maybe you have a straight talking sister or someone. Maybe even your husband.

To her face, tell her you're finding things too much and you need to take a break.

She'll be astonished and embarrassed in front of the 3rd person and it'll shock her into backing off. Hopefully. And you'll be more likely to stand your ground.

She sounds very insecure and desperate to keep you as a friend so she's gone into overdrive. That's not your problem though, if you're finding it hard to cope with. I think you have 2 options. Outright say something, with the likelihood being that that will be the end of the friendship. Or fade her out gradually. Ignore her sometimes, keep your messages brief and don't make a big deal of her giving you stuff. If it were me I'd say I was busy the next few times she was wanting to meet and don't open some of her messages. Most people will get the picture and back off a bit.

D ex f
Hi
I'm confused why you've dropped a bag off this morning. It's nobodies birthday..? I have been meaning to message you tbh but have been struggling to find the right words. I feel our friendship has come to an end. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the relationship and I'm sure you've been able to feel me pulling away. X amount of texts a day/week plus x minutes of voicemails is stressful to receive. I asked a while ago if this can stop and sadly it stopped for a few days and is now more than it's ever been. I wish you and your family well but I'm going to have to bring this friendship to an end. I realise this will be upsetting but there is no way around that sadly. From here I won't be replying to any texts, emails or voicemails, nor do I want gifts dropping off. Again I wish you all well.

Either block on social media, or restrict her viewing. Don't answer the door without checking. If she continues the texts send a final. 'I'm now considering this to be harassment, any further messages will be reported to the police'

There is no way out of this without upsetting her sadly but she is being a pest on purpose because you'll feel guilty and let her back in.

OP, I think it’s pretty obvious that this woman is completely obsessed with you and that you absolutely ARE going to have to say ‘Please leave me alone’.

I know people are saying “Tell you’re just a bit busy and that you’d like a break for a bit” but that is not going to work with her. You need to put an end to this friendship, very clearly, and for good. It’s not healthy at all.

The trouble with that kind of message is that the only parts of it that will actually sink in with her are “Thanks for the kind thoughtful gift” and “I’ll be in touch.”

This woman isn’t just an over-enthusiastic friend. She’s obsessive and her behaviour is now more akin to harassment. She has already been kindly told to back off a bit and she’s ignored that. At this stage the OP has to be very clear and blunt. No thank yous, no calling her kind and thoughtful, no vague notions of staying in touch.

When people are being stalked or pestered, the very first thing the police will say is “Have you told them clearly that you don’t want them to contact you again?” and “Have you blocked them?” That’s partly because people who are obsessive and stalky will always tell themselves that what they’re doing is OK because “If they didn’t want to see me they wouldn’t have said they’d be in touch” and “They haven’t blocked me so they must want to stay friends”. It’s also because, if it escalates, the police can’t prove it’s harassment/stalking unless the victim has taken very clear and unambiguous steps to tell the harasser that they don’t want any contact with them ever again.

This behaviour is bordering on harassment/stalking.

You need to text her and tell her that you do not want her coming to your house and leaving unwanted stuff and that you will be returning the stuff.
I suggest you just leave the stuff on her doorstep.

You also need to tell her that you have no time to give to this relationship and no longer want any calls or messages from her and that it was nice knowing her.

You need to be explicit in this request as she does sound a little unhinged and this may become a police matter and the texts will become evidence.

Same. I’m very much a loner who was trapped in a situation for years with a grasping, needy pest. It was torture. Had to go NC because meeting up for drinks/a night out a few times a year wouldn’t have been good enough. It would have been a constant bombardment of her shit whilst acknowledging nothing whatsoever about me. For the sake of my mental well-being I had to bin x

I’ve just sent her a long message using your replies as templates so thank you so much!!

I basically made it clear I find it intrusive her turning up unannounced with gifts as I really value my privacy and asked her to stop that & said I’ll be returning the gifts and plates. I’ve asked her to stop offering to run errands or get me things from the shop, I said I find the messages overwhelming as if I don’t reply to one I get messages across other apps and said I really need the space right now. It was a long message about how overwhelming I’m finding it and that even writing the message to her was making me anxious, I hope I’ve made it as clear as I can. I said I’d reach out to her when I’m ready to.

DH said he will drop the gift bag off for me tonight with the party stuff so that’s a weight off as I know she’ll be in and I really don’t want to see her now.

I absolutely hate confrontation and I feel physically sick and anxious after sending it. Which I hate because I don’t want my feelings to affect my baby!

I looked through the gift bag briefly this morning

4 x bottles of Budweiser
1 x large bottle of j20 sprits
1 x large bottle of licozade
face wipes
lip cream
a princess water bottle, bag and nighty for my LO
2 activity packs and a colouring book and pencils
3 packs of haribos
£10 asda gift card
a face mask

I had to say something as I go on mat leave soon as feel if I don’t she will be leaving more stuff on the doorstep hoping I’ll invite her in as I’ll be home a lot! I don’t want to accept the gifts, it doesn’t feel right and I don’t know exactly what it’s for? I’m doing fine I’m not bed bound I’m working full time, I have a toddler & I’m very independent. Why does DH needs beers? Or my LO need these gifts? IDK maybe I’m reading too much into it as if these came from my mum or one of my close friends I’d probably think oh that’s nice of them, but then my close friends wouldn’t turn up unannounced like that either.