This is a long narration, and I don’t know where exactly to start, so I apologise if this is all over the place and very long.
I (39, f) have been in a relationship with a guy (38) for close to 11 months. We met last year in September, and both have one child each - girls aged 11 (mine) and 15 (his). Our daughters got along quite well from the start, though there have been a few tricky situations where his daughter talked about some rather age-inappropriate things with my child. We discussed boundaries with her and the types of conversations that aren’t ideal to discuss with an eleven-year-old.
He has full custody of his child as she decided she did not want to have much to do with her mum due to her mum’s mental health issues. He met his daughter’s mum when he was quite young, and it was his first relationship. She got pregnant, and the relationship kind of took a turn for the worse after that. My bf says his ex may have BPD and is also worried his daughter might be showing some signs of having it, too.
However, my issue has more to do with his parents. His parents live about two and a half hours away. I met them about two months after we started dating, which I felt was a bit soon, but he said he is very close to them, and his daughter had told them about me on a visit they had with them. His daughter knew about me a bit early because a message from me once came up on his phone while he was driving, and she was in the car. As a curious girl, she kept digging until he told her we were dating. The first time I met his family was very awkward as they all came down to see him (his parents, his sister and brother-in-law and two kids).
His mum was very aloof and rather cold towards me at first, but his dad seemed to be more chatty, and I got the sense that he was the one they all looked up to as he tends to dominate conversations, but his mum doesn’t talk much but can be very traditional-minded and opinionated about some things. They eventually warmed up to me as I can be quite calm and friendly, and I guess they didn’t see me as a threat. Just to add, my parents live in a different country, and I haven’t seen them for a few years, but I keep in regular contact with them over the phone, and they have met my bf, but I don’t divulge too much about my relationship with them. To be clear, I'm very respectful towards his folks and try to find common grounds of interests so we have something to talk about, though after a while my introverted self just needs a mental break. I also help his mum out with whatever chores she is doing when she is around.
The feeling I got from the outset was that he was very close to his parents, and he did tell me they have always been very supportive of him, even when he was going through custody battles with his ex. My bf also has an ex-wife (not the mother of his child) who he divorced a few years ago. He told me that the main reason they broke up was because of too much family involvement on his ex’s side, as her family wanted him to prioritise her instead of always putting his daughter first. He said her family also came over quite often and spent an indefinite number of days at their place. The thing is, his parents also come over for the entire weekend at least once a month or sometimes once every two months if he goes over to see them before then. I am now wondering if his ex wife had her parents come around often and without much announcement as a way of getting even with his own parents.
In the beginning of our relationship, I did ask how often his parents would come for the weekend, and he said it was not too often, but as time went on, I realised there was a level of enmeshment happening as he talked to his dad every day for hours sometimes and tells him almost everything happening in his life, including my life. When I moved apartments and was having issues getting my rental bond back in time, he was sending updates to his dad and also sending photos of my new place to him. I felt there was nothing he didn’t tell them about, which weirded me out. And I have observed that he is not able to make major life decisions without consulting with them. It concerned me a bit as well because his dad has some strong and strange views and conspiracy theories about things like not wanting my bf to put any photos of him and his mum on social media as they aren’t on social media at all. Some of these views come off as a bit paranoid.
Last Christmas, I agreed to go over with him to have lunch with his family, only to end up spending the whole day there as his parents had expected that he would spend that time with them. They also spent the New Year’s holiday with us, which I didn’t mind so much as I know holidays are usually a time to spend with family. However, I have found it increasingly difficult to spend huge amounts of time with them as they come across as a bit controlling and want things done their way. For instance , they make comments about how late we sleep in (9 or 10 am) as they are usually up quite early when they are at his place for the weekendI don’t usually have. Also, I tend not to have lunch as early as they do and usually have an early dinner and skip lunch most days. However, his parents were not happy about this and made some remarks about it being important that I join them for lunch. Also, I got my bf a sewing machine for his Christmas gift as he said he would like one to use for mending stuff. His parents made it a point to get me to learn how to use it, even though the machine was meant for their son, not me. To keep the peace, I gave in to his mum showing me how to use it and also found I did not feel at ease cooking while they were around as she would come to the kitchen and make comments about how I cooked differently from how she did.
During the Easter holidays, they wanted us to come over to spend time with them. I did not have any issues with that, but I felt the sleeping arrangements were a bit odd. They live in a three-bedroom house, the parents have a room to themselves, my bf’s daughter has her own room and there is a spare room, which used to be my bf’s room when he was living there. His room was the room they prepared for my daughter and me to sleep in.
The entire house is like a time capsule as my boyfriend said his parents are very set in their ways and refuse to change anything, which means his room still had a single bed in it (the bed he used while he was living with them), so this meant that my daughter slept on the single bed and I had to sleep on an air mattress, while my bf slept in the living room. It was rather uncomfortable for me to sleep on the air mattress as it was a bit low on the ground, and I got very cold at night.
I wondered why they wouldn’t change the bed to at least a double or queen bed if they wanted their grown son and his partner to come over on occasions.
There were other things that made me feel uneasy about staying with them like the strange rules of not using or charging phones in the rooms. All phones had to be charged in the living room. My bf also said that he and his brother were never given the key to the house even while they lived there and only his parents have a key. Also, at the entrance of the house, there is an open study area and on the walls are seductive wall posters of two girls (I don’t want to mention the celebrities as that might give too much away). They also have a bookshelf in the living area, and I was going through the books/magazines they had, only to find some were porn magazines, which I found really weird and inappropriate to be put there. At first, I thought it was perhaps posters and magazines from my bf or his brother while they were still living there, but my bf said they weren’t and they were put there by his dad!
This brings me to the next point of discomfort with his parents. There seems to be something a bit off with how his dad and his daughter ‘play’ with each other. There seems to be a lot of body contact when they are having fake fights. I really do hope that I'm overreacting, but there have been a few occasions where things feel off. Also, when he is around, he goes into her room to hang with her and the door is closed for what seems like a long period of time. He also is there with her late at night when she should be asleep, and I wondered if this was why the sleeping arrangement at their place was set up that way as I would’ve thought my daughter and his daughter would have a room to themselves while I and my bf had his room. Don’t get me wrong, I have encountered close granddad and granddaughter relationships before, and my dad is quite close to my brother and sister’s kid. I think it can be a very wonderful and adorable relationship, but this one just seems.. off. The daughter also spends half of the school holidays with them and they are very strict about her spending that time with them.
After that first time spent at his parents' place, I decided I didn’t really want to go there with my daughter any longer and would also limit the amount of time we spent with his parents as I just did not feel I could be myself with them. So, on the weekends, when they come over to stay – they come on Friday night and leave on Sunday night. I usually try to make that a weekend when my daughter and I can just hang out together, catch up with other friends, or do some other chores. However, my bf has noticed this and asked why I have suddenly decided not to spend weekends with him when they are over or go over with him to their place. He says that I'm one of the few partners that his parents actually like and he doesn't understand why I am suddenly not available when they're around.
It’s hard to be honest about how I feel without offending my boyfriend, but I told him that I am not trying to dictate how he spends time with them and even encouraged him to see them as often as he wants, but I wouldn’t be able to spend that same amount of time with them. Also, when they are around, my bf spends most of the day doing things with his dad like DIY stuff around the house or going out to the hardware store for hours, so I end up not spending any quality time with him while they are around. My daughter also isn’t keen on being around them as his mum can be very strict and tends to criticise everything the girls do, while his dad is also not really someone she feels comfortable around. She says she leaves my bf’s daughter’s bedroom when he comes in and starts rough-playing with his granddaughter, as it makes her uncomfortable.
To make a compromise, I suggested that I come over for lunch or dinner while they are around, but I feel pressured to spend more time with them and my boyfriend is getting very upset about the fact that I don’t want to spend the whole weekend with them. My bf is not ok with my wanting to keep a distance and says what happens when we eventually decide to move in together. It seems like he is unable to stand up to his parents at all. Am I being unreasonable for pushing back on this?