Am I not contributing enough?

[NotSuperGirl]

Hello,
I just want to sense check something because I'm no longer sure what is right and wrong.

My husband keeps arguing with me about the same thing. I earn 40k, he earns 100+. We have a mortgage ( I am not on it) and a 2 year old. My husband pays the mortgage, food and bills. I pay the nursery fees and most of the things for our child, clothes, toys, shoes etc.

I work full time, 3 days in the office and 2 days I am at home with my child to save on nursery fees. I feel quite lucky that my job is allowing this. I do all the household, cooking, cleaning, washing and child care, and I also work full time with a modest salary, but it is more than minimum wage.

I feel like I am contributing in more than one way but maybe I am wrong. My husband keeps telling me he is "subsidising my lifestyle" and that my job is a joke. Is he right?

40k is well above minimum wage.

hash it out with him.

Tell him you're subsidising his lifestyle by being his housekeeper - then bill him for your time.

You are working full time. Unless there's some weird thing you're not saying (like you gave up a much bigger salary and have the skills/experience to earn far more but have chosen not to) he's being unreasonable.

What a shortsighted thing to say. Half of his will go on tax so you’re contributing equal with you doing a lot of effectively unpaid houskeeping and childcare.

Your husband is a dick, and your finances should be viewed as a family, not what he earns/pays and what you earn/pay.

Why are you not on the mortgage?

For goodness sake.

Yep. This 100%.

You do know that irrelevant of being on the mortgage as you’re married it’s a 50/50 asset? I find it odd when married couples try and make out a house is owned by one or the other.

I’d simply make a spreadsheet of all the bills and all the income and calculate it - I think it’s fair he pays a higher proportion since he earns more than double what you do, and I’d not be happy with him saying he’s subsidising you - that’s just what happens when you’re married.

Set up a joint account for all bills and each pay an agreed amount into it each month rather than your bills and his bills.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a dickhead. I'm a nurse on around €50k working part-time, my husband earns around €140k working full-time including bonuses etc. We have 2 children. Our money all goes into the one account and that's that, it doesn't matter who pays for what because we're a family.

So you’re working full time, doing all housework, and presumably most of the child care, and he’s just working full time? It’s not always about how much you bring in, it’s how much you do.

In the UK if you’re married it’s kind of irrelevant.

He's saying that because your money goes on "kid" stuff and he's a terrible sexist and thinks your job only pays for childcare which of course isn't important. Instead of each paying for different bills, get a joint account and both contribute in proportion to your wages to everything.

This!!!!!
Him whining about day to day finances is NOT your big problem here 😳

I don't know why so many women agree to a split where man pays mortgage & bills and woman pays childcare. It embeds the notion that its the woman's job to pay it, also men disregard it as cost and mentally count their wife as not contributing financially.

Better to pool all bills and each pay a portion corresponding to post tax pay. Eg if man earns 2k a month post tax and woman earns 3k, woman pays 60% of all bills, man pays 40%.

Jesus Christ, he sounds horrible! He needs to understand the contribution you are making, and I would be telling him in no uncertain terms! Plus, he needs to do more around the house!

The mortgage is irrelevant. The deeds are more important. And if you're married it's pretty redundant anyway.

Yes but why wouldn't she be on it anyway? I just don't understand if you're a married couple with a child why both names wouldn't be on there

Whether it was true or not, who would say such despicable things to their partner? It sounds like he despises you.

Why don’t you suggest splitting all costs proportionately to your income, instead of him covering X and you Y? Then make a list of what you do would cost if he had to outsource it (wrap around childcare, cleaning, cooking, washing) and show him the economic value of what you do. Show him what 50% of childcare would look like for him (time and money) if you split.

You shouldn’t have to do this though. All this should have been agreed on by both of you, to ensure you were happy with whatever arrangement you came to (as different things work for different people).

Also, the discussion may not change his attitude, because you make him sound like a nasty bully who’ll belittle you no matter what. I really hope that’s not the case!

He is subsiding hour lifestyle? What a nasty thing to say. Isn't that kind of the point of marriage, that you pool finances? What does he actually want you to do about it, and how is he going to support you in doing that? I hope you remind him that of he subsidises your lifestyle you facilitate his. I'm not sure he would do quite so well in his big fancy job if he had to do half the housework, mental load, childcare including drop offs pick ups school plays sick days etc.

Either you're a team and you play to your strengths. Or you do half of everything house, life and child related each, to give you a fair chance at increasing your earnings

You own half the equity in the house, can he afford to pay half the child care, spousal support, child support and find a new place to live? Since he thinks he's subsidising you, he might as well.

Why do so many men show who they really are as soon as there are children involved ?

If your’re in England and Wales it’s irrelevant. If you’re in Scotland and the house was owned before marriage it’s very much relevant.

What on earth?!! How can you be married to someone like this? Why are you not on the mortgage / deeds to the house?

Also, cost what you’ve already sacrificed in earning and pension contributions from your mat leave, and cost the salary sacrifice you make by having a job that’s flexible around childcare.

Make it clear that you are facilitating him having his big bucks job - that is also your contribution. If he had to pay a maid to do everything outside work, it would cost a lot.

You're right op, you contribute in more than monetary ways. Wfh and looking after your sc, cooking, cleaning and life admin is still contributing.

How would he feel if you contributed 50% inline with your earnings and he then had to do 50% of the childcare and housework etc?

My dh earns 70k I earn 24k we are a family. Income goes in one pot and we get the same spending money at the end. We both contribute to household jobs .

Point out the cost of a nanny and cleaner and add those incomes to your wage.