Am I not contributing enough?

[NotSuperGirl]

Hello,
I just want to sense check something because I'm no longer sure what is right and wrong.

My husband keeps arguing with me about the same thing. I earn 40k, he earns 100+. We have a mortgage ( I am not on it) and a 2 year old. My husband pays the mortgage, food and bills. I pay the nursery fees and most of the things for our child, clothes, toys, shoes etc.

I work full time, 3 days in the office and 2 days I am at home with my child to save on nursery fees. I feel quite lucky that my job is allowing this. I do all the household, cooking, cleaning, washing and child care, and I also work full time with a modest salary, but it is more than minimum wage.

I feel like I am contributing in more than one way but maybe I am wrong. My husband keeps telling me he is "subsidising my lifestyle" and that my job is a joke. Is he right?

Why on earth are you not on the mortgage??? That is a huge error that needs sorting!

This.

Gosh! You are absolutely contributing more than enough! What exactly does contribution look like to him!? Finances are just ONE way to contribute to a household...would he even be able to earn £100k if it wasn't for your contribution? I very much doubt it!

I NEVER understand this split of money/responsibilities. You're MARRIED for pete's sake. You're a team, financially, emotionally, practically. Both of your money should be for both of you and the kids.

Another dickhead his wife would be better off without....
😡

Well that's kind of irrelevant as he wouldn't have to pay all that stuff anyway. He only has to pay a percentage of his income in child support ( think might be 12-15%) No requirements for him to pay spousal maintenance or half of childcare. No requirements for him to even see the child tbh

Your husband is the problem, not your contribution. A long-term relationship, whether married or not, ebbs and flows where one party may do more at any given time and then the balance shifts. I understand that it suits some couples to keep separate finances but your DH's feeling of being hard-done-by is toxic. Your contribution is huge, OP.

Why wouldn't he? If they are not together it doesn't affect his earnings

"Subsidizing your lifestyle" is right out of the handbook of emotionally abusive and manipulative men. He can get lost with that.

Your husband is the joke.

Tell him that you are subsidising his lifestyle because when you leave he'll have to look after his own kid all the time and pay all the nursery fees.

(I know you'd probably want to see your kid but that's how he's currently thinking about you - all kid costs belong to you)

Why wouldn't he? If they are not together it doesn't affect his earnings

If he were made to do his 50% of child care, it absolutely would. He would have to go part time, or outsource child care, which would not change his wage, but would certainly change his expenses

Can I just point out, that the whole of the UK is not the same. In Scotland if your name isn't on the deeds, you have absolutely no stake in the property in the case of divorce. The same with inheritance.

Trying to work and looking after a toddler at the same time doesn’t sound like a lifestyle to be envious of. Perhaps he should try it!

Why are there threads like this on here every day. Why are you not on the mortgage? Why are you paying household expenses separately? What does he contribute to the household on terms of looking after HIS children, cleaning HIS house?

We pay proportionally into our joint account according to our earnings, all bills come out of thr joint account and we are both left with equal amounts of spending money each month - regardless of how much each of us earns. It works for us and to me seems fair. We divide up the housework, he cooks and cleans the bathroom, I do the DC admin etc.

I think, add yourself to the mortgage. It may not be necessarily legally but psychologically it matters. Your husband has assigned himself the 'important' role along traditional lines while trivialising your contribution. Why not each pay a percentage according to your earnings. Rethink on the housework and cooking ie share it fairly. If he won't do this, rethink him.

Your husband sounds like an idiot. You are both working full time, plus you are also doing all the childcare, housework, cooking and cleaning, but he does none of this? And then he has the nerve to say that he's subsidising your lifestyle? I'd tell him in no uncertain terms where he can stick his comments!

It's not about financial contribution, you are married! You should be a team. Just because you earn less, doesn't mean that you have to make up for this by putting in more effort in other ways. If you are both working full time, other chores should also be split equally. Wages should be pooled and spent together on mortgage, bills, nursery, child needs etc. You may choose to put in a percentage of your wages, or just pool the lot, but either way there needs to be more equity in this relationship, and you shouldn't be made to feel that your job is a 'joke' just because you don't earn as much as your husband.

My DH has always earned more than me. At times I worked partime when my children were little, and now work longer hours, but I still don't earn as much as he does. He has never, ever once told me that my job is a joke, or that I need to do more at home to make up the financial difference. We have always pooled all our finances, and help equally with childcare/housework to ensure that we both have roughly equal personal spends and equal quality leisure time.
If you can't work as a team when you are married, then what is the point of being married? You may as well just be two housemates.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s being like this because after having a child he’s feeling ‘neglected’, aka wife isn’t satisfying his sexual ‘needs’, never mind her being knackered from doing all of the childcare, housework, working full time, oh and all of the cooking as well…

This. He's being a thick c*nt. He needs well and truly putting straight. I'd start by getting weekend work and leaving him to do everything.

Land Registry.
At the very least, OP look it up and register an interest in the home.

i know not the point of the thread - but just to say this isn’t true in terms of the numbers involved.
sure, he’d pay proportionally more tax - but he’d still have take home pay of about double.
you don’t pay 50% tax on all of 100k and nothing on 40k!!

But he could just refuse and do one weekend day a fortnight or nothing at all. 50/50 care isn't obligatory and in reality rarely happens

Legally, yes the mortgage thing is irrelevant. But it massively points to a belief in your ‘D’ H that its his house, his money and he is doing you a favour by ‘keeping you’ financially speaking

I couldn’t live with that level of disrespect

What exactly is he subsidising? It doesn't sound like you haev loads of free time and you're using all your money for childcare and the rest?

And 40k on 3 days a week is pretty good (or is it 40k pro rata?).

Sure, you could go back to work full time and earn more, but I assume he understands then that there will need to be more contribution to cover the additional childcare, cleaning and housekeeper roles?

I really really hate men like this. And it IS always men. When it's a SAHD or a part-time working dad the high earner woman is almost always still doing a big chunk of household tasks etc and is STILL grateful for the support she's getting to enable her to do her job.

But he could just refuse and do one weekend day a fortnight or nothing at all. 50/50 care isn't obligatory and in reality rarely happens

Yes many do this, but that would affect the amount he has to pay for the children, so it will affect his outgoings. (Yes, I know, go self employed etc...)
It would affect his income or at least his lifestyle more if she claimed her 50% of the property and he had to rehouse himself.