Am I not contributing enough?

[NotSuperGirl]

Hello,
I just want to sense check something because I'm no longer sure what is right and wrong.

My husband keeps arguing with me about the same thing. I earn 40k, he earns 100+. We have a mortgage ( I am not on it) and a 2 year old. My husband pays the mortgage, food and bills. I pay the nursery fees and most of the things for our child, clothes, toys, shoes etc.

I work full time, 3 days in the office and 2 days I am at home with my child to save on nursery fees. I feel quite lucky that my job is allowing this. I do all the household, cooking, cleaning, washing and child care, and I also work full time with a modest salary, but it is more than minimum wage.

I feel like I am contributing in more than one way but maybe I am wrong. My husband keeps telling me he is "subsidising my lifestyle" and that my job is a joke. Is he right?

The mortgage thing is utterly irrelevant.

the issue is your DH doesn’t respect you or what you do. Your salary is treated as pin money for childcare and your additional full time job as a housekeeper (c50k worth) is not valued.

I hope you have a joint account? And good records of everything? And maybe even what my Dad called a Get F**ked Fund, ready for that day you need to walk away because I would be disturbed by his behaviour

You are damaging your career by working and caring for your child simultaneously. He doesn’t think you are doing enough? Quite the opposite. He is the one who is failing by expecting you to work without care

40k is a considerable salary. Not only are you working hard in your job, you are a great mum and are doing all of the household work. This is a lot to contribute. By doing all of this you are actually enabling him to do his job.
The comment about what you earn and the status of your job is not about money. It’s meant to put you in your place, make you feel small, and less significant than him.
He made the choice to marry you, so by belittling you he is actually insulting himself.
If you were not around he’d be in a smaller house, with less time to spare, and a whole lot more childcare, with less money to spend.
This man does not value you at all and I am sure like all other posters OP it makes us feel both sad for you and angry on your behalf.
Your DH should appreciate that he has such an industrious wife.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership based on love and respect. It doesn't mean people have to contribute the same things in the same ways at the same time..

It isn't respectful to describe somes job, childcare and housework as a joke so I would say the love has gone and been replaced with resentment. I'm not sure that setting out everything you do would make him think 'oh this has value'. Sorry

For god sake get on the mortage

DH and I both work full time, I earn £90,000, he earns about £55,000.

We both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, food and regular outgoings according to our incomes.

Your husband is a prick.

Add up all the hours you spend doing cooking, cleaning, housework, childcare etc... and bill him at your normal hourly rate for his half.

Then make it very clear that YOU are subsidising HIS lifestyle by being a full time housewife as well as working full time, so you look forward to him also cooking half the meals and doing half the housework.

Ask how much he thinks he’d save if you moved out and left him in some charge of his son and house!

That’s your contribution.
I’m thinking he’d save on the food you eat, but lose on all the work you cover- paid and unpaid.

I’m not sure I could come back from this to be honest.

You shouldn’t be having a conversation like this in a loving marriage.

And what “lifestyle” would that be? Are you spending lavishly on yourself, buying holidays, expensive cars, spa treatments every week? Because, if not, I don’t see much of a lifestyle choice in working full time and doing 100% housework and childcare.
Last time my partner mentioned something similar (although not remotely so offensive) I gave him an invoice for walking his dog 5 days a week plus overtime on Sunday as he was too tired to do it himself. Not surprisingly, the topic never came up again.

This is one of the reasons I divorced my husband. His attitude to paying bills leaving me skint at the end of every month while he spent so much money on nights out.

Why are you working full tine and doing all the child chores?

What a dick he really is. Can't believe he's even got you questioning this. This is meant to be a partnership in all senses of the word, including financial but that's clearly not happening

If you’re married with a kid you should just pool resources tbh. You should be on the mortgage at the very least.

There’s a thread like this every week and it’s awful how many women have been conditioned to be grateful for this kind of treatment from their husbands. At least you are married though, so your assets are joint regardless of what he’ll try to tell you. I have no doubt that he considers the house his and the child yours; he wants you to pay for childcare solely from your salary because he doesn’t value your career and if you want childcare to facilitate your hobby job that’s on you. Meanwhile he’s big and important and can’t possibly do anything other than work.

I hope all the replies here can spell out to you how awful your husband is being. Personally I’d leave him, but I know some would prefer to educate him. Best of luck whatever you do.

Your husband is the joke, not your job.

You're working full time (earning a decent wage) and have ended up responsible for all childcare, cooking, cleaning AND you're not on the mortgage? Your husband has done a real number on you for you to even be asking us if you're the unreasonable one.

YOU are subsidising HIS lifestyle.

So you work full time, do pretty much everything in the home too, and have a dick for a husband. I’d cut the dick loose - you’ll likely be better off, and certainly happier..

He sounds a real charmer!

I just want to sense check something because I'm no longer sure what is right and wrong.

This is the most worrying thing. Clearly you are contributing enough. That you are starting to doubt yourself indicates he's worn you down.

Can you have a proper discussion with him or does he shut it down (because he's right and you don't understand, or he doesn't want to go over it all again)?

He sounds like an absolute twat.

40k isn't even a modest salary. And on top of his you have a really large household income.

Why do you do ALL the housework and childcare? What's his contribution, beyond the financial?

I'm concerned however that you are - two days a week - trying to juggle your job, childcare of a toddler, AND household chores. That's not a sustainable way to work and either your job or your child will be missing out.

Your husband is a dick. He is not subsidising your lifestyle, you are supporting him to enable his. Add up the cost of childcare for two days a week, a housekeeper, a cook, and a cleaner and I think you’ll find that in fact you are the net contributor, not him. In your shoes I would make that very clear to him and tell him that if he made a “joke” like that again, he will need to start looking to pay to fill all of those roles because I’d be leaving.

Why aren't you on the mortgage?

Why do you do all the cleaning, housework and childcare?

Your h sounds like a stupid, selfish, sexist pig.

This. And also, does your employer know you have no childcare on your wfh days? Since there's absolutely no way this isn't impacting on your performance, your colleagues,nor alternatively, on your child. They really should be in nursery ln those days.

Have you done a time budget for you as a family? I bet you come out with less free time.

This.

Changingplace · Today 08:27
Beezknees · Today 08:25
Why are you not on the mortgage?

For goodness sake.
In the UK if you’re married it’s kind of irrelevant.

Agree slightly, as in divorce it would be 50/50, but currently she could not prevent him from putting loans against the house, or taking out money and remortgaging, or selling it.
There is a way she can register an interest in the house, and with his attitude I would be inclined to do this.
Could someone post the link on how to do this? OP may not wish to, but knowledge is useful.