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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being disgusted now about dating a smoker

82 replies

apeo · 08/07/2024 07:03

We've been together a year. I wasn't bothered at the start by smoking. I'd dated someone who smoked before but they were impeccable with oral hygiene

My partner is not at all. I absolutely hate the smoking now. He stinks all the time. I refuse to kiss him. I hate being in the cars with him when he talks. I don't mind smokers breath it's the fact he doesn't clean his teeth/mouth well enough and it becomes horrendous.

He doesn't drink water only full fat drinks which makes the situation so much worse.

He's 28 with only 4 back teeth and are all black and tiny. He constantly gets fillings and toothache, I've never known of teeth to be tiny especially back teeth.

He wonders why I won't kiss him yet I've said so many times his oral hygiene isn't good enough. We don't live together so when he is here, he appears to brush his teeth but you could not tell he does even minutes after brushing. I know for sure on days he stays at his own house he does not brush. His tooth brush doesn't move from the spot he left it in

I can't tell my in life friends about this because I'm beyond embarrassed.

I've asked multiple times for it to get better but he won't do it.

I miss being able to kiss someone without the fear my mouth will be infected with cavities (I read they pass on via saliva) and just not wanting to.

It's so embarrassing for me to think he just cannot commit to cleaning his teeth etc. but it's been so long anyway could he ever have a clean healthy mouth?

I know who his ex is and she's exactly the same. She was an all day all night weed smoker and her mouth is the same with black unclean teeth

I can't stand it and I dunno what to do

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 08/07/2024 07:04

Well, you dump this dirty creature, obviously.

DustyLee123 · 08/07/2024 07:05

Leave, he’s already made it plain that he’s not going to change.

PBandJ111 · 08/07/2024 07:06

Why are you even with him? Leave him….. writing is on the smoke stained wall.

tuvamoodyson · 08/07/2024 07:07

And you’ve tolerated this for a year you say? Why?

AhBiscuits · 08/07/2024 07:08

Just dump him, sounds gross. Don't you want a partner that you're attracted to and want to kiss? I wouldn't date a smoker.

GiveOverAndOver · 08/07/2024 07:08

Raise your bar.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 08/07/2024 07:09

Yes well that obviously sounds extremely gross. If you can't cope with that then get rid of him. I would (well I probably wouldn't have got with him to start off. His teeth can't have been good from the first day you met him).

AquaFurball · 08/07/2024 07:12

GiveOverAndOver · 08/07/2024 07:08

Raise your bar.

At least above ground level

apeo · 08/07/2024 07:13

@HavfrueDenizKisi his front and bottom teeth are surprisingly fine but from looking into things your bottom and top will be fine until your in your 30s with poor oral hygiene

He hid it well he just ate loads of mints etc yet never cleaned his teeth it wasn't until 6 months in he stopped this habit

I also never saw his back teeth properly until recently and I have never seen anything like it. I have no fillings myself but I've googled fillings and that's not what he has

It's crazy because it seems to be a common thing in my area. I have a few friends with really bad oral hygiene (know this now from trips away together). They'd only brush once a day if that, take a nap and not brush. I didn't know adults did this.

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 08/07/2024 07:15

Split up. And if you're that fastidious I'd hate the medicinal way you smell.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 08/07/2024 07:15

What do you mean you don't know what to do? It's obvious.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 08/07/2024 07:16

CalicoPusscat · 08/07/2024 07:15

Split up. And if you're that fastidious I'd hate the medicinal way you smell.

😆 projecting much? Clean people don't smell medicinal unless they are washing in dettol. Smokers breath is rancid. Even my DH who brushes several times a day made me feel sick kissing him when he smoked.

AmelieTaylor · 08/07/2024 07:18

It's only been a year, just break up with him, it's not going to get better.

what has napping got to do with your teeth?

CalicoPusscat · 08/07/2024 07:20

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 08/07/2024 07:16

😆 projecting much? Clean people don't smell medicinal unless they are washing in dettol. Smokers breath is rancid. Even my DH who brushes several times a day made me feel sick kissing him when he smoked.

OP must have really grim teeth if she or he evaluates it by size. And yes a herbal medicinal smell is repulsive.

Mangoandbroccoli · 08/07/2024 07:22

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I would also assume this lack of both self care and respect for you would filter into every other aspect of his and your lives - get out now while you have relatively few ties!

Sethera · 08/07/2024 07:22

Unless he is prepared to sort out his oral hygiene, there is no future in this - and sorting his teeth out won't be cheap, from experience of a similar situation the total cost of extracting/filling all the damaged ones and getting dentures for the gaps was in excess of £2000 and took over six months. Even then, he'd need to commit to an ongoing oral hygiene routine which it doesn't sound as though he can (frankly) be arsed to do.

So I think you should walk away.

LlynTegid · 08/07/2024 07:27

End the relationship now, you have given time for improvement which has not happened. Have some self respect, and there is no crime in being single.

SoupDragon · 08/07/2024 07:29

I can't stand it and I dunno what to do

Surely it's obvious what to do? You think he is disgusting and can't kiss him. What sort of relationship is that?

tuvamoodyson · 08/07/2024 07:29

Yes…it’s a dilemma. Oh! Wait…I’ve just thought of something! Maybe you could stop going out with him…what do you think? 🤔 then you won’t have to google fillings, look at the size of his back teeth, hate kissing him, time how long he brushes his teeth, fear passing on cavities etc. Think of all the other things you could do with that time!

EndlessSummer · 08/07/2024 07:33

You have posted a few times before (I remember the bit about catching the cavities.) He is not going to change obviously. It is not important to him. How can you be with him if he smells so much and you can’t kiss him? You are repulsed by him. Have you thought of ending the relationship?

emilyelf · 08/07/2024 07:35

Leave him and let him be with someone who accepts his rotten teeth like his ex.

SnowyPetals · 08/07/2024 07:36

EndlessSummer · 08/07/2024 07:33

You have posted a few times before (I remember the bit about catching the cavities.) He is not going to change obviously. It is not important to him. How can you be with him if he smells so much and you can’t kiss him? You are repulsed by him. Have you thought of ending the relationship?

Yes I remember the catching cavities thing and thought "surely no more than one person thinks this is a thing?".

But that aside, the OP reads as if splitting up isn't the obvious thing to do. Why on earth would anyone stay with a man they find physically repugnant?

LampGhost · 08/07/2024 07:39

You should definitely stay with him forever and just put up with it. There are no other options.

DezTheMoaner · 08/07/2024 07:39

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 08/07/2024 07:04

Well, you dump this dirty creature, obviously.

This:

RunningThroughMyHead · 08/07/2024 07:42

Dump him.

You're dating, not married with 5 kids. You're not obliged to stay with him or make it work.