To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

I was with a 21 year old at 16. It's really not gross at all. I was more mature than he was!

Some of the responses here are crazy, I can’t believe some people would see an issue with this, I suggest they should get out more….

Except they've been happily married for 30 years so what difference does it make now they're 49 and 56?

They just clicked and I'm sure many people who read this thread will have had unsuccessful relationships with people exactly the same age as them. So when people click, and behave 100% respectfully towards each other, your judgement is neither wanted nor required.

But that logic makes no sense. Of course your abilities, emotions and experiences will converge as you grow older; but that doesn't change the fact that it took you time as a child to learn, grow and develop.

If you're on the same level at 46 & 50, and were at 16 & 20, presumably you were also developmentally at the same stage of life when you were 2 & 6? If you weren't, at what stage did the jump to being on the same level of life occur? Many would say once you were both properly into adulthood; not whilst one of you was, but the other was still a child. That's the whole idea of adulthood: you have completed your fundamental development and are now at a level mature stage of majority, and are now merely gaining more experience as an adult.

It's a similar argument to the one that some people make when adults who were abused and exploited as children go to the police and seek justice: "What are they making such a fuss about now, they're adults?!" - completely ignoring the fact that, at the time, they very much were not.

EDIT: To be clear, I am absolutely not suggesting that you are making or justifying this argument; rather that the logic you are using could be manipulated to arrive at that belief.

i think i was quite mature at 16- I honestly think you need to get a grip- it’s patronising, pearl clutching nonsense, a sign of the huge nanny state we’ve become… I find infantilising 16 yr olds as though they’re 9 totally patronising and over bearing.
Part of development at 16 is having relationships, it’s totally normal teenage behaviour!

So if you believe that a 16yo who is mature and knows her own mind should be let alone and not infantilised, as she goes forth and starts having relationships, presumably you would have no issue if she began a sexual relationship with a man who was 20, or 40, or 60?

She's mature, over the age of consent and so should be allowed to make her own grown-up decisions, free of patronising older adults disapproving or stopping her, right?

... It isn't treating a 16yo as though they were 9, just because you are not treating them as though they were 25.

So if you believe that a 16yo who is mature and knows her own mind should be let alone and not infantilised, as she goes forth and starts having relationships, presumably you would have no issue if she began a sexual relationship with a man who was 20, or 40, or 60?

Realistically a 16 year old is vanishingly unlikely to find 40+ year olds attractive.

Part of growing up is developing your own agency, at 16 it becomes appropriate to have relationships, - the same as at 5 you could brush your own teeth, at 12 it becomes appropriate to catch the bus on your own or whatever. It’s not just a case of they’re a “child”.
Now at 16, they may have relationships to navigate and this is part of development appropriate for the age in life- otherwise what you going to do, lock them up and make them play with toys, cos heaven forbid they might go out and have sex or something wild.
There seems to be a trend at the moment for pathologising or criminalising what is totally normal human behaviour.

I've absolutely no idea when we developmentally became on the same level. I do know that I personally wasn't a child at 16. I had left home, had a full time job, was paying my own bills and getting drunk down the 051 at weekends.

The law says at 16 you have capacity to make decisions about relationships and sex - the age of consent is not 25, nor should it be.
A 16 year old girl can have a bad relationship with a 17year old, as much as they can have a respectful relationship with a 20year old.

According to @AnnaL94 16 year olds having relationships with 20 year olds is "gross". But once they turn 18 it's a free for all and completely fine for them to have relationships with 30, 40, 50 and 60 year olds.

Complete overreaction. Absolutely ludicrous.

My gran and great gran, were 4-6 years younger than their husbands. They were 17-18 and the husbands were 21-22. Big deal. Were married til one of them died. Had 3 children each and lots of grandchildren and great-grandchildren!

Get a grip @AvrilAprill

At some point we have to draw a line under at what age people can make decisions about relationships and sex… the law puts this at 16, im sure many of you would like to raise it to 40- but alas we cannot and dont need to police ever facet of human behaviour. Hand wringing about 16yr olds having sex is a bit much.

Jesus Christ, stop tagging me and quoting me. You’re utterly obsessed.

I said upthread I will not explain my point to you any further. Get. A. Life.

You do get some, though - especially when the 40+ man is wealthy or famous.

Mostly, when it happens, I see a lot of red flags that make me suspect exploitation; but I am just a dinosaur who doesn't want to credit a 16yo with having full adult agency.

At 16 I had left home and was living independently in a flat share with a f/t job

Dh at 23 had just left education and was living at home and had a f/t job

We were definitely on the same level. If anything I think I probably had more idea of what life can throw at you at 16 than him even at 60.

Looking round at friends I would struggle to find any who had as low as a 4 year age gap between them and their spouses

Even those who got married at 16. Only one married a lad who was only a couple of years older

The others married 21 and 25 year olds

There didn’t seem to be that much of a difference

Yes, all of this is true - but I was pointing out that it is not infantilising to treat a 16yo like a 16yo.

It's actually none of your bloody, judgemental business!!

By whose morals, yours?
I don't get why people are so uptight about this age gap thing.
Nobody is breaking the laws and nobody is asking your opinion.
So butt out

My friend met her DH when she was 16 and he was 25. She lied about her age for a good while. 20 years on his family still call her by the nickname 'jailbait'. Vile.

A 20 year sleeping with and being sexually attracted to a 16 year old is gross.

I'm sure neither of the involved parties find each other gross, and fortunately that's all that matters.

OP, if it's icky for a 20 year old to find a 16 year old attractive, because the 16 year old is a child, why is it totally fine for a 16 or 17 year old to find that same 16 year old attractive? After all, the 16 year old has the same personality, the same body, the same life experiences.

It's not harmless innocent fumbling just because they're close in age - especially not these days given how much pressure teenage boys put in teenage girls to have anal sex (not much of an improvement on the 80s, that, if you're looking for 'grim').

Shouldn't you be just as concerned about any couple you meet who got together when the woman was only 16, because that means the dp/dh is someone who managed to find a 16 year old child attractive?

If on the other hand it's not the 16 year old being fundamentally not grown up enough for sex that's the issue, but rather it's all about maturity and manipulation and potential power differentials, then the 20 year old young man from this couple wasn't fundamentally 'icky' for fancying a child but was just potentially (and not necessarily) taking advantage of a power differential based on them being older. But then surely you've read enough examples now in this thread to know that it's not inevitable for a relationship with that age gap to be predatory?

I think you need to make up your mind. If a 16 year old girl is a child then she shouldn't be having sex full stop and any boy or man who wants to do that is 'icky', whatever their age. We should increase the age of consent. But if you're not arguing that the age of consent should be increased, and you're saying that of course 16 year old girls can have sex, the issue is different life experiences only, and power differentials, then I don't think you can be black and white about it because life experiences and power differentials are not black and white.

I've always found males my own age (probably until my mid-30s at least) quite immature, and unattractive because of that. I always preferred a man a few years older just because they were more mature. Teenage boys were a bit silly. Certainly by the later teens, it comes down to individuals and who they fit with best.

Ridiculous post, given the growing number of 20-somethings also still living at home with Mummy and Daddy and/or relying on the bank of mum and dad.