To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

And yet you refer to both the 13yo & the 16yo as girls & not the latter as a woman.

People also seem to misunderstand that a 16 year old girl and a 20 year old man is not the same as a 13 year old girl and a 29 year old man. Very different.

When I was 16/17 I started going out clubbing, obviously lots of the people there were in their twenties and it didn't feel weird to have a snog or whatever. It certainly didn't make them perverts.

I most definitely was not going out clubbing at 13 though. It's a massive difference as you say.

That's because they are girls. They need to be advised and supported. Parents need to know what's going on. If she's open with you about a relationship you have two choices: talk to her, advise her, talk to him, warm him off if you are concerned and stop her from going out.
Or shout "grim! Icky!" as you chase him down the street. It's a choice.

I doubt that very much.

Based on this thread and others on here about other subjects, my teen and young adult kids and their friends have far more sense than most mumsnetters. They have good boundaries, treat friends, family and gfs/bfs well and don't need to ask questions for which the answers should be obvious to.

As is so often said on here, mumsnet doesn't seem to reflect real life, thankfully.

No but I think it’s odd to justify things when it was very common years ago to be married in your teens or not be in school at 16 or further education. Someone even gave the example of Queen Elizabeth being married in 1947 .. I’m not sure how a 77 year ago reference is applicable now.

And yes “beyond the pale” is just an odd outdated phrase. I work with people from all different ages and no one has ever used that.

You may find it "outdated", it's still a phrase in usage which I consider to be apt in this case.

Depends on the couple and their level of maturity. Why treat them any different now? Seems stupid to me @AvrilAprill

No but I think it’s odd to justify things when it was very common years ago to be married in your teens or not be in school at 16 or further education.

I certainly wasn't married in my teens and I have a degree. I just don't think the world ended because I snogged a guy a few years older than me in a club.

Totally unreasonable.

First, I don't think 16 to 20 is that big a gap and can be perfectly appropriate depending on circumstances. I realise some people might disagree. But regardless, this is presumably a good few years ago now, as far as you can tell they now have a good relationship and you get all get on well. I think it would be very odd for this to affect your friendship now.

My boyfriend was 21 when I was 16, we never had sex and he never pressured me. My best friend at the time had a 23 year old bf and they dated for 10 years. The 15 year old I dated at 15 pestered me for sex every day.

I teach and lots of 16 year old girls have older boyfriends - it is legal and your friend and her partner have been together a while. I think 16 year old girls find a lot of 16 year old boys immature.

Well me and my Hubby are weird then, I was just 16yrs by 2 days and he was 21yrs. We are still together with 2 children and 3 grandchildren, 42yrs later!! We have a lovely happy life, and still in love, as well as best friends. How weird are we.

I'm sure you would, as would I however, if they were still together at 40 and 44, you'd probably have come to terms with it, and if you met someone now in that situation you'd probably not bat a eye lid or be concerned about their age when they got together more than 20 years previous. I don't suppose this couples parents now mind or judge them so odd that OP does

Nothing of what you said has any relevance to what I said.

@AvrilAprill - so what's your relationship with this couple now? I'll put it more simply than beyond the pale - do you just ignore them?

Again. It’s getting boring with these generational views. Funny how things were different in the mid 60s. It was still illegal to be gay for a majority of the 60s. Times have moved on.

come and join the weird club.

But the couple got together in the past, when it probably wasn't something that raised any eyebrows. it's done. It has literally nothing to do with you and it's very weird that you are so bothered.

I am absolutely LIVING for the fury and disdain of the OP, but she's not wrong (except about maths, because 42 years ago was 1980s, not the 60s).

If my 16 year old DSD started dating a 20/21 year old, I would be livid and assume he was weird.

The fact it has worked out for this couple (and others) is all well and good, but doesn't make the age difference any less icky.

My daughter and son in law with 6 years age difference wasn't back in the dark ages They met in 2013 so no idea what the 60s have to do with it

Nothing of what you said has any relevance to what I said.

I don't actually believe your "friends" exist, btw. I think you made the scenario up as a talking point to tell people how old, outdated and disgusting they are.

I know the yelling will start after I post this but that kind of "group think" has a definite whiff of crab bucket to me. My lovely MIL came from a similar social area and she was told by her family that she shouldn't be marrying outside of her class. when they encouraged their kids to get a good education and go on to further ed after school, the family and social group ostracised her. Yes this was education, not a older boyfriend but the groupthink and group opinion do have similarities.

Who says she was in secondary school though? She could have left school and be working full time at 16. If he was in uni she could conceivably have been his supervisor at his part time job...
They could have both met as soldiers in the army! She could have legally already had a child at that age and be living independently with them while he might be a virgin still living at home...

Is it ideal? Probably not but it's not illegal and individual circumstances are relevanant in relation to the extent of any possible power imbalance, as is the fact that they are still together and presumably happy now. I can understand why you'd think it's a bit dodgy but not why you think it's an automatic red flag to the extent its now changed your opinion of them.

I'm in my 30s BTW seeing as you're implying everyone who disagrees with you is ancient.

It's weird to let this bother you but probably better you don't spend time with them if you are judging them like this.

Early 1900s my grandparents were working at 12 in a textile factory
There wasn't a choice back then
Work or starve

What?!