It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

I've obviously misunderstood as I was under the impression that sister in law hasn't been in contact with the OP or her husband either? Child would be caught up in that by default. It wasn't kind of sister in law but brother in law and children acknowledged OP's daughter's birth. The problem is the sister in law didn't, for whatever obscure reason. As it was OP with the infertility issues before the birth of her daughter it's so odd that there must be something behind it given that OP didn't have a problem before then? All so very odd.

What's the objective here though? There can certainly be ex-communication, it's looking likely. Move forward some years, blood thicker than water and brothers reconcile. There is nowhere left for sisters in law to do that even if they wanted to, too much water under the bridge.

I agree with PP, best solution is for brothers to attend family events with their children and both wives not. It's sad but this won't continue indefinitely.

You are! I and another poster have quoted you saying just that!

Did you have a christening/naming ceremony? Did they refuse to go to that?

Well then it's not the same situation, is it?

Imagine she had literally just stopped talking to you as soon as your baby was born and the situation was ongoing even after you had made multiple attempts to reach out.

And then the PIL that you loved basically told you to get over it and swallow your hurt feelings for everyone else's sake.

How would you feel?

Posts like this are really pushing it, sorry.

OP has said over and over again.

Her DH feels the same way, more strongly even.

HER DH doesn’t want to go.

HER DH feels that HIS boundaries - their boundaries - are being dismissed by HIS PARENTS.

HER DH is angry and upset at his brother.

If you think OP is lying then why bother to post at all?

It's not just the 'women'. Get your misogyny in check and read the OP's posts properly before you chuckle at your own 'wisdom'. And if the PILs want something - people playing happy families for their sake - then of course it behoves them to help find a solution.

Have you been in the same room as her since your baby was born where you tried to talk to her and she ignored you and walked away?

You, @inlawproblems If PIL had stuck up for us then I'd be more willing to do it to make them happy but they haven't.

Yes we did, and no, we didn't invite them. What would have been the point? They would never have come.

We put out a general invitation to our son's birthday party on the family WhatsApp chat and they didn't reply or acknowledge his birthday in any way. This was a month after we showed up to their son's birthday party and they stood us up.

At some point you have to stop putting yourself out there and accept that they don't want any kind of relationship.

Are you the SIL by any chance?

You, @inlawproblems
Well, we could, but we feel that PIL have failed to deal with BIL and SIL

She has literally refused every single invitation to be in the same room as us since our daughter was born. They live about a mile from us and SIL has still never met our daughter.

@inlawproblems for gods sake, just say no, they probably asked out of politeness and may be making a point to the other ILs that don't want you there, that they are asking you.

No one wants a sulky couple at a family gathering.

Stop thinking they're blackmailing you, it'll probably be a blessed relied when you say no.

She'd probably want to be there with her 18 month old. And if that meant having to be in the same breathing space as the other side then no, I sense she most definitely would object.

Or maybe @inlawproblems you can offer this as a compromise. PIL take all the grandchildren out somewhere nice, without you being present, and get a lovely family photo.

They didn't ask out of politeness, they really want us there and that is the problem.

Just go. Kill them with kindness. And smiles. Let them be rude as they like. Ignore it.

And make sure your daughter is in a personalised t-shirt with her beautiful name, matching cardigan, and a stack of back ups, all with her beautiful name on the front.

I would be urging both of my sons to talk to each other and find a way to reconcile

OP, what makes you think that your parents in law haven't tried this? I'm pretty sure they would have spoken with both of their sons. In their position I definitely would have.

Would you be happy to be freed up from attending family events? Even if your husband and daughter attended? Would it make you feel better or worse? From every post you write there is more information creeping in and your dislike of your sister in law is plain. You may have good reason for it but, where does this situation go from here?

I think it would make sense to remind BIL and SIL that they do an awful lot for them and it would be nice if they could do this very small thing in return. If they don't want to do that, that's fine, it's their decision.

The thing is, we don't want to see BIL/SIL, and BIL/SIL don't want to see us. PIL are the only ones who actually want this meet up to happen and yet they aren't willing to actually help resolve this situation so that it can happen. I resent the fact that we have done absolutely nothing wrong, we've tried to fix it, they don't want to know, and now 100% of the responsibility is being put on our shoulders to just put our feelings to one side so they can pretend we are all one big happy family for an afternoon and get a bloody photo.

If they want it, they should be doing something to help make it happen.

The victim is, IMO, OP's young daughter: a wholly innocent party who has been ostracised and her existence not even acknowledged by her own uncle and aunt.

If OP wants to protect her child from this unfair and needlessly spiteful treatment, I shan't be the one who blames her.

My husband doesn't want to attend either.

If your DH doesn't want to go, then he shouldn't go. He should send the 'sorry can't do that but will see you Sunday' message. But if in fact he would like the kids to go and meet cousins and have a slice of cake with granny, then he should put a message in the family whatsapp along the lines 'we are still hurt about the way we were treated, not least because all our attempts to renconcile have been completely ignored and we do feel that are owed an apology for that at least even if not for the very confusing response to my choice of name for our DD. We are prepared to move on for the sake of the family but we are disappointed that we seem to be taking that step alone, as true repair can only happen if we all play a part.

And then move on. You're never going to get the apology you feel you deserve, and neither will they. But all of this energy and time being lost over this issue is highly toxic. If they act like dicks again then you can change your mind about how much contact (if any) you want to have. Either way, your DH should say what he feels he needs to say now and move on in which ever direction he feels is right for him.

There is nothing funny about this thread. And you can keep the 'laugh' emoji to yourself as well.

I agree it is not for the PILs to sort this out.....but no this is not about 'two women who don't seem to like each other' the fault here is not with the op, not at all.

If my much wanted and longed-for baby had been greeted with anything less than wholehearted joy and welcomed into the family by any family members - if they had instead chosen to have a spat about their name - I don't know how I would have responded. I don't think I would have bothered to go to the lengths that the OP has already gone to, to try to sort it out.

I haven't read the whole thread as there are just too many to get through but this immediately made me think of a friend. Is there any chance that the name was special to them because they have previously lost a child with this name (or planned to use this name for). Just a thought as I know of someone who lost their first child and gave the name as a middle name to their second.
They might never have revealed this but it could explain the reaction.

Is your attitude isolation your DH from his family? You are accusing BIL's wife of isolating him from his family, but here you have an invitation to attend a family occasion and you have decided not to go.

Would you encourage your DH to try repair his relationship with his brother, separate to you and his SIL?

Not that’s not what you are asking, stop changing your story. You demand clearing the air resulting in APOLOGY and repentance, not minimum of basic human decency (which would be just polite nods at family events)