It's a money one - Parent

[TheSpoonyNavyReader]

My parents have always been very fair and equal when they have given my sibling or myself money, the other sibling instantly get the same amount. This has always been the case.

My parents gave my sibling a large amount of money, and I have been told that I will have to wait until my parents have died to receive the money.

My parents have got the money in investments and have the amount of money sitting in the bank.

AIBU and should just wait or AINBU to think I should be given the money now as has always happened.

This is a very strange statement.

I couldn’t begrudge my sibling being given a couple thousand to help them with whatever, even a holiday, but it’s very strange for you to have always been given the same amount.

My parents have helped us - given each sibling similar help with deposits at different times. Helped one sibling repair structural issue that came up in the house, then later paid a lot for another siblings wedding. It’s a healthy approach imo. I’d never expect to be given money just because one of my siblings has been helped for something specific. I think your parents approach is pretty odd.

But to give one child £150k for something not life critical and ignore the other is pretty unbalanced and I can understand your upset at this. It is about the size of it.

I think the OP's attitude is really distasteful and entitled, and to have discussed the possibility of adding a codicil to the parents' Will is grabby beyond belief, made even worse by the OP saying that she is comfortably off anyway and has already been given substantial amounts by her parents. If my daughter ever tried to tell me how I should be spending my savings, which I've worked very hard for all my life, and which I need to live off, and how I should allocate my estate in my will, then I would certainly consider changing my will - and leaving her share to charity.

Why is it a strange statement.

My parents have always done it like this, so its not strange just the norm for us, as they wanted to be fair and straight down the middle, they have seen the fall out with their own parents of giving more money to a child.

There was a thread on here recently where grandparents paid for private school fees for one set of grandchildren and they made an amendment on the Will so that the other sister would receive a greater proportion of the estate. A HUGE sum of money. By the time said GP died there was very little left in the estate and the sister without children received hardly anything. Most people felt very sorry for her. My point is that that parents should treat their children equally. If they were unable to gift all children 150k they probably shouldn’t have done it or divided that money between the siblings. We never know what the future holds and siblings fall out over this sort of thing all the time

My thoughts exactly. If it wasn’t for something necessary (like their house suddenly subsiding or life saving surgery) it would feel like favouritism.

They have the money sitting in just one of their bank accounts, and they get the same amount from investments per year, they have just made the decision to gift it to me, when they both have passed away.

Think you should read the whole thread,

It’s strange that you’d be as upset by £1000 as £150,000.

£1000 is a very small sum, could hardly be construed as unfair. £150,000 to one and not the other is clearly unfair.

Its not the money, its the fact that my parents are not being fair when it has been drummed into us that everything was equal.

wow- that is a huge amount and I do think the scale of the gift makes a difference here. My parents have always been fair and balanced out gifts. They even applied an inflationary uplift to the younger sibling so the amount paid for weddings was the same in real terms.

This would sting for the vast majority of the population and they really do need to understand how it has affected you. There is every chance that money won’t be there after they have died so no chance to equalise. How on earth did they justify giving one child £150k and the other nothing? Even giving both £10-15k each would have been massive and substantial gifts.

Your parents have made a massive mistake in pretending that they can give you exactly the same all the time.

But the OP is an adult and fully independent financially from her parents.
The parents were trying to be open and honest about their gift to the other sibling. In hindsight, it would have been better if they'd kept quiet about it, then everyone would be happy.

They can give us exactly the same they are not short of money.

If they have seen the fallout in their own generation why would they want to repeat it?
Ask them that.
These things have huge consequences.
I think telling you that your sibling will be honest in this matter is deeply offensive.
Why should YOU be dependent on a siblings honesty?
It slaps of favouritism and it is perfectly reasonable for you to view it as such.

I have known of this happening on several occasions with friends, ALWAYS favouring a son.

But the consequences were huge for the parents.
My friends didn't accept it. Some spelt it out to the parents and adjusted their behaviour going forward when their pardnts were dismissive of them.

They saw a lot less of their parents, they moved a bit away, they invested in their in laws, they certainly weren't available for elder care.
Often the disparity crystallised a long held belief that the favouritism was huge.

The interesting thing is this was dictated by mothers as much as fathers.
The favourite child inevitably suited themselves and in several cases moved for careers etc and parents were left to get on with it.

With one friend her MIL was a lovely woman and she happily became her close confidant.
It was only when grandchildren arrived that the consequences really stung for her parents, but efforts to resolve things and be more involved were simply too late. My friend was happy with the status quo and living an hour away and busy family life meant she barely saw her parents twice a year with the children.

OP, your parents have been fair to date, it would be simply awful for your relationships to become fractured by this.
Tell them the truth.
Staying silent and festering will inevitably sour the relationship.
How could it not.

Blame the parents? Unbelievable!

Are you kidding?
Secret gifting causes terrible rifts in families when the truth outs.

Parents ARE completely entitled to do what they wish with their money, BUT their children ARE entitled to respond how they like.

If that means their children are pissed off and distance themselves, that is their right.
Favouritism is poison in families, gifting to one and not the other monetises it.
It never ends well.

Well the fact that they’ve given your sibling £150k but can’t give the same to you suggests otherwise.

YABU as you are not automatically entitled to any of their money.

YANBU as any money they do have may well go into their care fees when older and there is no guarantee it will still be there. So I understand it feels an unfair split that your sibling has received this money and yours is so unstable. They have not thought of you very well in this situation.

I transferred the money to my sibling, which I knew was happening for about 2 weeks beforehand.

Also we do not have secrets about money, I know exactly what is in my parents wills, and do lots of the financial admin for them.

When my parents gifted a house deposit to me, my sibling was informed asked if they wanted it straight away or put it into an account for when they wanted to use it.

As I have said countless times, I know how much my parents have in the bank, I know their financial advisor, because if anything happened to them it would be me in the UK that dealt with everything.

I have seen my parents investment portfolios and their Bank statements.

Do you have access to my parents bank accounts?

You are really reaching here or just plain obtuse

My sibling is an adult and fully independent financially from their parent.

If only you knew what is was spent on.

It sounds like they haven’t made this decision. If they haven’t changed their will and it’s still 50/50, they haven’t made a single plan to give you this sum of money.

I assume it was something important. I had quite a bit of sympathy for you OP but as I keep reading the posts I feel less inclined to feel that way. What reason did they give for not giving you the same? Perhaps because that money is protected in case you get divorced before they pass away? They didn’t do this behind your back so I assume that they’ve given you a logical reason even if you don’t agree with their decision

It was to landscape around their pool, they could not afford the bigger area, so hinted to my parents.

My parents have decided that after my sibling got the money, they would not give out anymore. Perhaps they are fed up of my sibling asking. As I have said its there money, but it hurts that they did not treat us fairly.

You could tell your parents you are struggling with feelings of being less valued/loved than your siblings because of this unfair treatment.