It's a money one - Parent

[TheSpoonyNavyReader]

My parents have always been very fair and equal when they have given my sibling or myself money, the other sibling instantly get the same amount. This has always been the case.

My parents gave my sibling a large amount of money, and I have been told that I will have to wait until my parents have died to receive the money.

My parents have got the money in investments and have the amount of money sitting in the bank.

AIBU and should just wait or AINBU to think I should be given the money now as has always happened.

Their choice has always been that we will treat you equally, I have never asked for money, my sibling on the other hand has.

It is what we do for one we do for the other, but not now.

Good grief are you being deliberately dense?

Having ALWAYS treated money gifts equally the parents have suddenly gifted sibling £150k 😮 and told OP that the usual M.O. of parity won't apply this time, it's just the gift to the sibling and end of.

Can you not get past your fixation on "entitlement" and realise that the OP has been thrown by the new disparity. It isn't about money it's about feelings and your place in the family dynamic.

This

Thank you

I think you perhaps don't know the 'why'. If your sibling is abroad perhaps the parents feel guilt for not seeing them so much and want to support in a different way for example? Perhaps they feel they are more around for you in other ways? There could be all sorts of reasons. Sometimes treating people fairly doesn't mean treating them exactly the same.

OP,
What they have done is completely unfair.
You are very unwise to not spell out how unhappy you are and that they are wrong to assume anyone can bd trusted.
I would tell them that it IS their money and they have every right to favour your sibling If they wish.

However, YOU have every right to be pissed off and very upset about it.
Actions have consequences.

You never asked for anything but THEY have caused this.
This upset is on them.

I would take some space from them.
Just because they are your parents doesn't mean you have to tolerate this from them.

My parents spend 6 months of the year with my sibling, they are very active in my niece and nephews lives.

In our family we have always been treated exactly the same until now.

@TheSpoonyNavyReader 150k is no small amount but it all depends on whether they both need to go into care homes as they age, just how much money is left. is there going to be enough to at least give the op the value of 150k then???? this also makes the non beneficary feel quite undervalued and this is really the problem. to request the money for plastic surgery is ridiculous! how did they know the parents had that much to spare? what would happen if the open suddenly needed 150k tomorrow for major surgery which could only be done abroad? would the parents oblige?????

@TheSpoonyNavyReader I wrote my post from the position of not being the golden child!! my elder sister, the golden child, got the whole house!! think how my younger sibling and I felt! worthless!

My parents can afford to give the money now, they have investments that pay this amount per year to them, also have that much in one of their bank accounts and have huge pensions.

They just want to give it to me when they die, which could be eaten up by care, and also IHT.

Its not the money its the fact that we are not being treated equally.

I am so sorry that it has also happened to you.

YANBU - Should have been a fair split imo.

Did your sibling ask (or drop heavy hints) your parents for the money, or did your parents offer it unprompted?

My sibling asked, they wanted a higher end spec of something and could not afford it, whole amount was transferred and the money they had saved was used for a car and cosmetic surgery.

I wouldn’t be happy either in your position.

But is part of this money being used to build an annex or something similar that your parents then stay in during the 6 months of the year that they spend there? If so that somewhat muddies the waters.

The fair thing would be to treat you both equally or at the very least write this difference in inheritance split into their wills.

Families are shit. The promise it'll come right when they're dead is just insulting to you now. Just as it will be when they're dead and there's no money left.

No nothing for my parents to stay in when they visit, the annex has been built which my parents paid for, and I was not given the extra that it cost my parents.

I am not angry with my sibling, I am not angry about the money just the fact that the fairness has not happened.

If your sibling will take 150k from your parents and use some of it for cosmetic surgery, then I would have zero confidence they will hand over 150k of your parents estate to you before splitting the balance. They will say that was years ago, if they’d cared they’d have changed the will, I need it for <x> and this is what mum and dad wanted.
im sorry op it must suck. Use this to pull your sibling more into their care- lots of stuff online and needing research etc, they can do that from anywhere. And make sure you’re not doing more than you can handle, you need to manage your life too.

Has the gift been declared by your sibling to the tax man? What are the tax implications for your parents in giving a large cash gift? That's the approach I would take, say your concerned about the tax implications for them both.

Your parents should write a letter to your sibling declaring it was a gift for tax purposes. Another copy should be filed with their will so you have proof that your sibling benefitted from an early inheritance.

Or you could always anonymously report them to HMrC for tax dodging before they spend it all on breast implants, fillers and botox.They might as well 0ay tax on it before going on a splurge.

Talk to your parents about how you feel

If they spend 6 months of the year with them are they trying to financially compensate for that? It must cost your sibling a fair bit to do that.

Am I the only reader who finds it incomprehensible that others think they know how parents should spend their money?
It seems there’s a large cohort of supposedly intelligent people who don’t understand the term ‘inheritance’
Inheritance is what’s left when someone dies….not some made-up amount that people think they should be entitled to even before the benefactor has died.
Look after your own finances & let your parents spend their own money however the hell they want.

Hi OP,
I know you want to be treated the same as your sibling (and be gifted the same money sooner rather than later) but things being what they are if it were me I would tell my parents that I am worried that the unequal amounts would strain our sibling relationship at a difficult time and I would like it written in the will.

I would say that I would be happy to pay for the amendments to the will from my share (purely so your parents can't justify their lack of action by the cost) so if amending the will costs £1000 they could leave you the first £149k then everything after is split (when they see that this is important to you they might decide to pay themselves anyway).

This might not be particularly logical but I would rather try to secure £149k than take my chances with £150k. If the will says 50:50 then the executor of the will won't have any choice to deviate from this if you and your sibling (and anyone else affected) are not in agreement. The answer would be if your parents wanted something different from this then they should have changed their will.

I think that you are doing a lot of reaching and if you had read all my posts, you would see this is not about the money.

Her parents have bleated on for years about being scrupulously fair with their children.
The OP hasn't an issue with how her parents spend their money BUT is feeling hurt NOW that they have gifted a sibling 150k and have told them they can wait for their inheritance.
It really isn't that difficult to understand why someone might be hurt in such circumstances.
She has every right to feel the way she does and to spell that out to her parents.

THEIR actions have caused this.

My parents paid for the annex in the garden and have their own electricity/gas supplied. They also treat my sibling and family while out there, they pay for holiday for my siblings.

They are not in the spare room that is for sure.

I would feel the same OP. *
"My parents believe that my sibling is trust worthy and be fair* ". I'd still want something in writing though.

However, I sometimes think these things ARE about the money and I don't understand why so many posters think that's so shocking. It's very normal for parents to give their adult children money. Look at the percentage of FTB that get help from parents. It's just the way it is. We've helped our adult children a lot but if we had helped one more than the others I'd expect that to cause issues. (Unless there are proper reasons). It's a shit thing to do.

OP, how honest have you been with how you feel. I would say something. It would annoy me. I would worry about having to deal with it when they die. I'd address it head on. Tell them it's obviously their choice how they spend their own money but that their choice has a consequence and that it's making you feel like shit.

Also, IHT wise it makes a lot more sense for them to give you the money now.