My mum hates me trying my best to look after my child

[Tryingtobeagoodmummy]

Background. I've a weird realtionship with my mum which, looking back, involved me walking on eggshells and her seeming to think I'm a bit of an idiot.

now im married to my lively DH and we have a 2 year old son. I always wanted to be a mum and try to be the best mother I can be. I don't see my mum very frequently but when I do she literally never has anything nice to say about how I look after my child.

We went to stay with her recently and my son was a bit funny with her as he hasn't seen her in a while. He wouldn't go to her and she started seeming annoyed, pulling faces or making a fake crying noise when he started to get a bit upset if he thought I was leaving the room. I tried to just ignore it as I didn't want an argument and we are leaving soon. She kept saying how I was 'never like that' and was I sure there wasn't something 'wrong with him'? (SEN). As it happens, I have no concerns and neither does his health visitor or his nursery.

I have been making my own little breakfast bars with oats, mashed banana, peanut butter etc etc and she saw them sitting on the side, cooling. I thought it was a good, healthy way to get some fruit and fibre into him. She asked what they were and I explained. She pulled a face and said 'it looks like a pile of crap'. For some reason I froze and felt my eyes fill with tears and I just walked out of the room so she wouldn't see me crying. I felt a bit embarrassed about my little bars.

Ds has been practising nursery rhymes with me and in nursery and can do a really cute version of 'Twinkle Twinkle'. I started singing with him to see if he would do it for my mum. He didnt but was very into his toys at the time. He was very excitable that days and afterwards, i mentioned to mum that he had been quite hyper that evening. She pulled a face and said 'do you know what his problem is? Far too much stimulation. Constantly singing songs and talking to him. Is it any wonder he is wired to the moon?'

She keeps trying to give him chocolate and I'd prefer he just gets a treat after he has had enough fruit and veg for the day. There isn't a ban on treats but I'd rather he had some chopped apple or strawberries first. Part of this is that he is prone to constipation and when I said that she said 'well you can just give him a laxative then'. I explained that I think it's better for a child to get their fibre from real fruit and veg first, and then use a laxative only if that didn't work. She just looked at me like I had ten heads.

I'd also rather he just enjoyed water and didn't get accustomed to squash, partially because I have a weird reaction to the sweeteners in squash and would just rather he preferred water. I decided to let it go and go with the flow a bit more but it's just glass after glass of strong squash. I said can you just give him water and she said 'it's not right to give children water' and she makes a big deal out of how 'yucky' water is ("mean mummy" etc)

Ds started to warm up to her and was making us fake ice creams. I did the whole 'oh yum, vanilla, my favourite etc etc'. He gave her an imaginary ice cream and she said 'am I supposed to pretend to eat this? I don't do that'. Ds didn't notice but I thought it was totally weird and made excuses to go and give him a bath.

I asked him if he wanted to go to the park or stay inside with toys a few days ago, and she said it was clear I never told him no and he had far too much choice (absolutely not true!!!). Then the following day I was very firm with him about something and she said 'didn't mummy use a horrible, mean voice with you'.

She does this thing where she ruffles his hair for longer than necessary and he really doesn't like it. I can see him wincing and pulling his shoulders up. I told her that he doesn't seem to like that and she said 'oh for God's sake, you are far too fussy with him!' I actually don't think I'm too fussy, I can just see that he really dislikes that. My mother in law never annoys me with any way she interacts with my child, in fact she is great and he is much more relaxed around her. So its not me being the impossible to please precious first time mum.

My mum seems to really resent every time I try my best to be a good mum. It seems to really, really bother her. I thought she would be proud of me for being a good mum; strangers have literally come up to me to say things like 'I just saw you with your child and you're so loving towards him, it's lovely to see' etc. Why oh why does it bother her so much? She has form for absolutely going off on one and I want to get through the next few days without a fall out. However my instincts are saying that this isn't normal and I need to rethink our relationship and visiting arrangements for the next time.

I've always has an odd relationship with her but thought that she would see me in a new light when I had kids and not see me like a silly little girl any more, but she seems to absolutely despise me now! I know I need to re evaluate things and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted to finally realise who my mother actually really is.
Wibu to reduce contact further if this continues?

@thecatsthecats interesting. My DGM was an terrible parent but an excellent grandparent to me.

But I am now wondering whether that was because she lived in another country, we stayed with her once a year and my DM just sat back and let DGM do what ever she liked for the stay!

You are doing everything right, your mum sounds like a knob! Who knows what her problem is but you have your own little family now you do not need to put up with her negativity. Children need lots of conversation thats how they learn!

I have an acquaintance like this...

She's never been in a serious relationship, or had kids of her own. But seems to decided that she is now "grandma" to a little girl. This little girl is the DD of my acquaintances niece. She refers to this niece as "practically my daughter" because she literally changed a couple of nappies when this full-ass mid-20yo woman was an infant.
She posts photo after photo of herself with this baby on FB, with captions like "snuggling with the grandbaby" or "baby loves hanging out with grandma!"
It's so bizarre.

@Tryingtobeagoodmummy it's clear you love your Mum & don't want to go N/C. So, you need to find a way to navigate this... without further destroying your own MH & it affecting DS.

have you been to visit her without DS since he was born?

DS & Daddy can have a 'boys weekend' & you can focus on your relationship with your Mum without upsetting DS & without the added fuel of her criticising your parenting & speaking through DS. Use the time to try to get closer to her as adults and setting boundaries around your relationship (rather than her as a grandparent).

worth a try??

Yes I do love her and do not want to go totally nc. Going without my son would be a bad move. The atmosphere gets very tense and I try to fill the silence otherwise she accuses me of being in a bad mood. Things are OK if we can go into town and go clothes shopping, so long as there are lots of distractions. However when it's just us, it's so, so awkward and we end up fighting. Bear in mind, I don't fight with anyone else. I don't tend to end up in arguments with other people but I never know what will set her off.

Her opinion of your parenting should have stopped being important to you when you realised she is just trying to hurt your feelings.
I hope you can find the strength to go for counselling for yourself, learn to put some emotional distance between you and care less about what she thinks.

Re chocolate and squash -all I can say is - tooth decay!!
Do not encourage love of sweet things - dentists are so expensive!

You're not pathetic. It's normal to say "sing your new song for Grandma" then Grandma says something kind and encouraging "well done"...

What's pathetic is your Mum's response. She sounds horrible.

I agree with this. I grew up in a volatile, verbally and physically violent home yet I know I have responsibility for my own behaviour.

My late grandad (born 1903) was fatherless and was made to sleep in the out building with domestic animals when he was only 5-6 years old. Yet he was never abusive to his own children.

I would agree with seeing your Mum on your own.

She is clearly signalling she needs something from you, but is going about getting your attention in negative ways.

Retrain yourselves to spend short amounts of time together with lots of distractions. If you can feel the mood shifting, put down a boundary and say you'll see her again when she's feeling more positive.

It may take many goes but you'll get there! Because it really sounds like you want to have her in your life, but it must be on equal terms. That is your right.

She may have no idea she leaves you feeling guilt ridden and anxious after most encounters. You could tell her this and she may be completely surprised at the effect she is having on your mental health. With honesty, change may come.

I would tell her about her negativity towards her GS and for that reason you are going to give them some space.

After my son's Christening my Dad (drunk) suggested he take him for a little drive. Some people's moral compass is so far off OP you have to allow them space to grow. And if they can't, the space between you might grow into months and years. And that's fine.

You sound like a divine Mother. Good luck on your journey xx

Thank you. To be honest I've tried to raise this with her in the past and she always gets Very Offended and turns everything around on me for being too sensitive. Every time she is challenged she kind of loses her mind and it's like she can't understand English and looks at me like she has no idea what I'm saying but it's infuriating her anyway.

Sounds just like my mum. She wasn’t a great Mum - didn’t play with me, belittled me, didn’t show affection/love, she was very selfish and always put her own needs above her children, plus too many more things to list.

She was very critical of my loving, hands on parenting, seeing me praise my children, putting their needs ahead of my own etc.

I still can’t decide whether:

(A) She found it difficult faced with better parenting than her own, that it showed her up and she was embarrassed, she used criticisms of my parenting to try to hide the fact that she was just a shit parent!

(B) She’s just too selfish and narcissistic to have any realisation that any way different from her own could be better…. or even just acceptable.

Over time I’ve realised I don’t care whether it was A or B, I’ll never know. So I’ve gone very low contact with her. I won’t allow my children to be damaged by her in the same way I was.

Sadly dysfunctional childhoods create narcissistic parents. Sorry you’re going through this op x

You’re not pathetic, OP. You’ve probably always done whatever you can to get your Mums love and approval. It’s something hardwired into us and it’s hard not to do the ‘performative’ stuff. Only when someone’s experienced the void of not having a secure attachment with a caregiver, will they understand that something takes over - it feels so icky.

Sadly, OP, and this is probably my own projection, there may be a belief that “if I do x, then Mum will love me”. I accepted many years ago this was a losing battle. You sound like a great Mum and I’m so sorry your Mum refuses to see that, although I’m sure she knows it.

She knows she was a crap mother and she feels guilty when she seen you being a good one?

She HAD a crap mother and she's jealous of your kid for having a good one?

She had / has a crap marriage and she's jealous of you for having a good one?

All of the above?

The world has many shitty people in it, and quite a lot of them have kids. Tough break for you that you are one of said kids, but none of it is your fault. It's tough to accept who she is, but for the sake of you and your child, you need to. I think in the long run you'll be happier when you just accept that she won't change who she is and all you can do is set some boundaries on what you will and won't tolerate in your home and around your child. You can pack her off home or whatever, but give up on the idea of ever making her really understand what she's doing wrong; she won't.

Honestly that gives this away. If you fight with your mother when your son is not there, then she is being extremely pass agg and unpleasant when he is. You and your son will be the loser. I would leave her to stew in her own juice! Find someone more supportive to you. This woman resents you and your efforts because she has thin skin and is immature. Anything good you do must be crap.

Actually her greatest fear is that you will see her in that light. You will if you have not already. But it won’t change until you see for what she is.

Your Mum sounds horrible. I think guilt is making her react. If she wasn't a very good mum herself everything you do will seem like implied criticism, that's her problem not yours. Keep on going what you are don't and avoid your mother as much as possible.

OP you need to take a breath and stop trying so hard.
It sounds like despite your mother you are doing a brilliant job raising your child.
Your mum sounds jealous.

I think you would be better off going low contact with her. She won’t change , and her toxicity is eroding your confidence and happiness.
Sometimes distance provides a better insight into the behaviour of others . Have you considered therapy to help your self esteem & offer perspective on her negative parenting style.

Yeah she seems very undermining, I can understand totally why you had the reaction you did with the breakfast bars as well.

Have you tried speaking up? If you do and nothing changes I would absolutely minimise contact for your own MH.

It's easier said than done but I'd really try not to take anything she says personally, she clearly has issues and will critisise no matter what you do. You sound like a good mum.

Im sure someone else will have said this, but this just screams to me that she feels guilty about her own parenting. I’d also say she sounds narcissistic. There is a a great book for adult children of emotionally immature parents that you might find useful.

and just to be super clear- it’s not you. You sound like a great mum.

She is clearly signalling she needs something from you...

A punch bag?

Your mother sounds like she has a personality disorder.

For your own MH and happiness, and that of your child/ren, you're going to have to strategise to deal with her, and stick to that very strictly.

Oat bars sound gorgeous btw.

Your mum likes to be in control and has to put you down in order to feel superior, it doesn’t matter how fabulous you are she has a need to make you feel inferior. You enjoy your life and pay no heed to this malicious person you unfortunately have a mother.
She will do the same to your child, she will want to squash his confidence and make him feel stupid no matter what he does. You do not want this awful person around him.

Your mum sounds awful.
I can completely understand why you would really wish she'd just say something lovely to you about how you are raising your DS but I doubt she ever will, or if she ever does, it won't be worth what you had to put up with to get there.
It sounds like any words, harsh or kind, from her would be fairly meaningless anyway because her judgement is so wrong.
It sound like she is hellbent on belittling and humiliating you and like if she gets to spend much time with your DS she will try to turn him against you.
I'm sorry she is like this. You are not in the wrong. She is.