My mum hates me trying my best to look after my child

[Tryingtobeagoodmummy]

Background. I've a weird realtionship with my mum which, looking back, involved me walking on eggshells and her seeming to think I'm a bit of an idiot.

now im married to my lively DH and we have a 2 year old son. I always wanted to be a mum and try to be the best mother I can be. I don't see my mum very frequently but when I do she literally never has anything nice to say about how I look after my child.

We went to stay with her recently and my son was a bit funny with her as he hasn't seen her in a while. He wouldn't go to her and she started seeming annoyed, pulling faces or making a fake crying noise when he started to get a bit upset if he thought I was leaving the room. I tried to just ignore it as I didn't want an argument and we are leaving soon. She kept saying how I was 'never like that' and was I sure there wasn't something 'wrong with him'? (SEN). As it happens, I have no concerns and neither does his health visitor or his nursery.

I have been making my own little breakfast bars with oats, mashed banana, peanut butter etc etc and she saw them sitting on the side, cooling. I thought it was a good, healthy way to get some fruit and fibre into him. She asked what they were and I explained. She pulled a face and said 'it looks like a pile of crap'. For some reason I froze and felt my eyes fill with tears and I just walked out of the room so she wouldn't see me crying. I felt a bit embarrassed about my little bars.

Ds has been practising nursery rhymes with me and in nursery and can do a really cute version of 'Twinkle Twinkle'. I started singing with him to see if he would do it for my mum. He didnt but was very into his toys at the time. He was very excitable that days and afterwards, i mentioned to mum that he had been quite hyper that evening. She pulled a face and said 'do you know what his problem is? Far too much stimulation. Constantly singing songs and talking to him. Is it any wonder he is wired to the moon?'

She keeps trying to give him chocolate and I'd prefer he just gets a treat after he has had enough fruit and veg for the day. There isn't a ban on treats but I'd rather he had some chopped apple or strawberries first. Part of this is that he is prone to constipation and when I said that she said 'well you can just give him a laxative then'. I explained that I think it's better for a child to get their fibre from real fruit and veg first, and then use a laxative only if that didn't work. She just looked at me like I had ten heads.

I'd also rather he just enjoyed water and didn't get accustomed to squash, partially because I have a weird reaction to the sweeteners in squash and would just rather he preferred water. I decided to let it go and go with the flow a bit more but it's just glass after glass of strong squash. I said can you just give him water and she said 'it's not right to give children water' and she makes a big deal out of how 'yucky' water is ("mean mummy" etc)

Ds started to warm up to her and was making us fake ice creams. I did the whole 'oh yum, vanilla, my favourite etc etc'. He gave her an imaginary ice cream and she said 'am I supposed to pretend to eat this? I don't do that'. Ds didn't notice but I thought it was totally weird and made excuses to go and give him a bath.

I asked him if he wanted to go to the park or stay inside with toys a few days ago, and she said it was clear I never told him no and he had far too much choice (absolutely not true!!!). Then the following day I was very firm with him about something and she said 'didn't mummy use a horrible, mean voice with you'.

She does this thing where she ruffles his hair for longer than necessary and he really doesn't like it. I can see him wincing and pulling his shoulders up. I told her that he doesn't seem to like that and she said 'oh for God's sake, you are far too fussy with him!' I actually don't think I'm too fussy, I can just see that he really dislikes that. My mother in law never annoys me with any way she interacts with my child, in fact she is great and he is much more relaxed around her. So its not me being the impossible to please precious first time mum.

My mum seems to really resent every time I try my best to be a good mum. It seems to really, really bother her. I thought she would be proud of me for being a good mum; strangers have literally come up to me to say things like 'I just saw you with your child and you're so loving towards him, it's lovely to see' etc. Why oh why does it bother her so much? She has form for absolutely going off on one and I want to get through the next few days without a fall out. However my instincts are saying that this isn't normal and I need to rethink our relationship and visiting arrangements for the next time.

I've always has an odd relationship with her but thought that she would see me in a new light when I had kids and not see me like a silly little girl any more, but she seems to absolutely despise me now! I know I need to re evaluate things and to be honest I'm absolutely gutted to finally realise who my mother actually really is.
Wibu to reduce contact further if this continues?

Your mother is not nice, Op. She will never be who you want her to be. Protect yourself and your child.

You need to run and not look back .
Id leave early fake a sickness bug ,let her moan as much as she likes.

When you get home change your number if you have too but get this horrible person out your life

I would be so proud of you - I am glad your MIL is better.

Now a crying baby needs to be considered sen???? This country is well and truly messed up.

Our parenting makes us feel very exposed. When we see others parent, it forces us to think about our own parenting and how it compares. Your mother clearly did not parent that way with her children so feels uncomfortable to see you doing it. She likely feels her own parenting is being judged as inadequate.

I agree. It’s bringing home some painful truths about her parenting which she doesn’t like. So she is putting you down and saying you are fussing to avoid thinking about them.

You honestly sound a brilliant mum with an excellent understanding of your baby's needs which will help them develop into a very healthy, happy child. Your baby is very lucky indeed!

Your mum sounds narcissistic and jealous.

I hope you can limit contact with your mother and bring in strict boundaries.

I think counselling might also be useful at some point to help you process her behaviour and stop seeking her approval.

I really would just keep very low contact and I wouldn’t be staying there, keep visits short

She is clearly jealous and you should call it out. I would say “don’t get nasty, because I’m the type of mother you never were”. I wouldn’t be able to put up with the digs, so I would tell her coffee time is over and she needs to leave - “come back when you can be nice”. She is saying there is something wrong with your son for missing his mummy ??!!! Tell her to get out. She is nasty.

You sound like a lovely Mum and I think that your own mother is jealous.
Unfortunately my mother in law was like your mother and she has a very poor relationship with both my husband and me. Continue as you are, you're doing just great. Don't let your mother undermine your confidence. If I had my time again I would answer back and stand up for myself more.

Yes, your mother is the issue. I think she will damage not only you (more than she already has) but your DS too. I'd cut contact right down. If you see her, just let it be for a couple of hours instead of staying over. You do sound like a lovely mum.

She sounds unbelievably toxic OP. Please try and limit contact, for your own wellbeing and that of your child

Totally agree with what @YourMommaWasASnowblower said. You sound like an amazing mam, and your mother is jealous and bitter

She is probably embarrassed that you are showing her own parenting skills up. Suddenly, watching you, she realises how lacking her own parenting was. So she tears you down, makes you think you are overdoing it.
If you can find the strength, have a go back at her, ask her why she is being so rude/mean/critical. Don't let any comment go unchallenged. Ask her to leave if you need to, say something like "oh I can't be bothered with your rudeness anymore, I think it's time you went home". She will get the picture and realise that you won't stand for this any longer.

Reading through your replies what sticks out to me somewhere you still want your mums approval , acknowledgment.

You have friends Dh , mil who all show you this but still searching for your mother’s acceptance .

i had this with my mum - I am N/C now but it took a long time to not want that .

it sounds like you and Ds get nothing out of it so you have choices

go low contact- but know it will be the same

Challenge her / have firm boundaries

go no contact .

she is who she is won’t change whilst things continue the way they are

I have a similar experience with my mother. I have both good and bad memories of her when I was a child. I do think she tried her best but at times just didn't know to go about it or cope.
Things deteriorated when I had my own DC. I had to go no contact for a while, it was that bad. We are now low contact and I try whenever possible that there is someone else in the room so I'm not alone with her.
I have accepted she will never change. I tried to talk to her but she can't accept there is anything wrong with her. It's all my fault.

Thank you everyone. I haven't ceen able to reply to everyone. In some ways I haven't known what to say as its just so confusing, but it has been very heartening to hear that I'm a good mum. I am already quite low contact by default, as I live a 4 hour drive from her. I tried to speak to her about it before and she asked if I thought I was the only one who had ever raised a child?

When u was pregnant, I read up on everything and she would try to tell me me about things, gibe me advice, I already knew or the advice had been changed and she started getting annoyed and making a face and saying in a mocking voice 'oh of course, you read it on the Internet already'. So I stopped admitting when I already knew something because she seemed to think I was a really annoying know-it-all. I just always feel like I'm a really irritating person.

It's so interesting that your relationship with your mum was good until you started getting a bit older (tween/teenage years?). I'm guessing as soon as you started getting more independent and having other people/influences in your life, she didn't like it. And punished you according.. Probably by criticising you and withholding affection.

Same thing happening here. Your DH and DS are now (rightly) your main focus. So she is punishing you by criticising you and witholding affection - from you and DS. And I'm sure when she does this it takes you right back to feeling like a kid again sometimes.

I bet seeing you being such a great mum (because you do sound like a great mum) is bringing up a lot of big feelings for your mum that she'd rather not have. Shame for not being able to do the same. Jealously. Fear of losing influence over you. And for her, when she feels a negative feeling, her response is to push it down and attack you.

It sounds like your mum had a difficult childhood and did her best to be a better mother to you. But at the same time, it can also be true that she was often an awful mother to you.

You've broken the generational cycle. Which is no easy thing. Your son is so lucky to have you.

I would honestly consider having some therapy to unpack some of this stuff. You deserve to feel happy and your son deserves a happy mum.

@Tryingtobeagoodmummy that is so common amongst this generation too, the hatred of the Internet. Yes there's alotnof ceap online but even when jts an updated NHS guideline a sour lemon face is pulled and its taken very personally as if we doing something different is an insult to ehat they did when we're just trying to parent in this decade. I'm a late 80s baby and my mum does this with me, though to a lesser extent.

Crap online*

Apart from the not engaging with pretend play, she sounds very much like my mum. She has said things such as 'yuck, just water?' Would criticise different breakfasts, tells the dc that I feed them weird food (last one of these was a samosa!), pretends to cry along with dc if they were upset about the usual toddler things in quite a mocking way, although I think the mocking was aimed at me. I think she would be happy if I did everything exactly the same as her but I don't. On the plus side, I have grown very confident in my decisions as I have seen happy children flourishing because of how dh and I are raising them.

I have learned to ignore her criticisms, they literally go in one war and out the other now.

I know she sounds terrible, and she has done some very hurtful damaging things, but my childhood itself was happy. She was kind and did lots of nice things with me. She was always taking me on day trips and doing crafts. She showed me a lot of affection and was very thoughtful. I know she really didn't want my childhood to be like hers. She always told me I was beautiful and talented and clever etc but something did shift when I became a teenager and I deeply felt the fact that I wasn't a cute little mini me any more. She did comment that my son wasn't scared of me, like it was a bad thing and that I had always been a bit scared of her (this was a brag). I don't think fear has any place in a healthy relationship. Respect and an understanding of someone's boundaries, yes. Being scared of your parent, no. I want my son to want to have a relationship with me when he is an adult and to feel like I add to his life, not just because I'm his blood relative but because we are bonded beyond that (but also give him space to be his own, autonomous person too of course!).

Mum seems to think I'm a pushover but I don't think I am; I'm very much the parent, I have firm boundaries but I believe that children should be allowed to exercise choice where possible and that not everything needs to me a power struggle yet she hates me being firm too.

When I or someone gives my son something, I always say 'what do you say?' (to remind him to say thank you) and mum rolls her eyes and says to my son 'what a bossy mummy you have' or 'tell her to give it a rest'. Ive stopped enforcing manners around her now too as that seems to trigger her as well.

I wonder if her teen years were a particularly bad patch? If she had a rough childhood then she'd have been poorly prepared for teen changes.

My mum was like yours in terms of having a semi-idyllic childhood (of you ignore the massive emotional instability and focus on the ponies and crafting). But she just couldn't deal with teenage hormones because she didn't really see me as a person, just a kid who didn't want to do the idyllic stuff any more for no good reason.

It all fits together though - probably scared of her own parents, so no insistance on manners because she'll associate that with fear and compliance.

Again,my mum was the same. Good at "Disney dad" style parenting l. And I can tend towards grand gestures myself rather than everyday care and manners.

I hope it helps to rationalise her behaviour and put it in context. She can't give you approval, but it sounds like you're doing brilliantly at breaking the cycle.