To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Wash your own clothes.

Did you all miss the bit where she claims these precious white knickers cost £50 each?

I completely understand your disappointment and frustration at his lack of respect.

Spending money on replacement clothes would also really annoy me that our joint resources were being used to compensate for his complete carelessness and disregard for your stuff and your feelings.

I had a husband like this. I think they see being asked to do things a particular way as a threat to their control. I couldn’t ask him to do anything or modify his behaviour to accommodate me or anyone else without repercussions which made everyone around him regret it. If he didn’t get his own way he’d make sure everybody suffered in some way or other.

We’re now divorcing and life is a lot easier since I separated from him.

IDK what the answer is in your case but I sympathise that you have a partner who is so disrespectful that he ruins things that are important to you, despite being given the information on how to prevent it.

Just like women all over the world. And yet nobody blinks twice at that.

And the OP might have dripped it but did you miss the bit where she said:

I work a 14 hour day he only works from 8:30-3:00. One day a week from home.
On the weekend and in the holidays I do everything. I earn more money than him and I do bed and bath time when I get home all of the other shit that naturally falls on women’s shoulders for no discernible reason like organising clubs, social life, dentist, family visits, hosting, holidays, making beds, mowing the lawn, communicating with babysitters, teacher presents, Christmas

I think she’s doing her fair share.

He sounds like a selfish idiot. Also I can't believe he doesn't 'understand' how to separate washing. He's either completely stupid (which it doesn't sound like he is) or he's doing it in purpose.

For those saying do your own washing, isn't it the point that you've clearly expressed multiple times how frustrating you find it and he's doing nothing to rectify the matter. I'd throttle him on his sleep 😂

So what? What’s your point?

Surely you aren’t suggesting that it’s ok for him to ruin her things because you can’t imagine spending fifty quid on a pair of drawers?

It’s irrelevant what price her things are. They’re her things and she deserves to keep them the way she wants them, even if they were £2 from Primark.

Oh, I happily used to spend that amount pre kids. but that was when I could afford it alongside building decent savings

Op claims to be too poor to leave him, so I imagine op needs to spend less on fripperies and more on building up her savings account.

I can tell you exactly why he's doing it, because my husband is the same.
Its because he puts the pure whites in the machine, sees that you could fit more in there, and cant resist chucking a few more close-to-hand items in. It pisses me off too op, he just needs to accept that sometimes it's a slighter smaller load and that's necessary to maintain the whiteness!!!
And ultimately, he doesn't agree with you that the clothes are ruined, because he wouldn't mind if a white shirt was just marginally less white. Its really frustrating because if you really like fresh white clothes, then no they ARE NOT the same when washed with darks.
Those of you who think your whites are fine when washed mixed? They aren't. A friend of mine thinks the clothes are fine, her kids light coloured clothes have this dingy slightly grubby look to them and they just never look quite clean....

I imagine she’d quite like to stay married and just not have her things destroyed.

Out of interest, do you buy yourself anything that you actually want? Or do you restrict yourself purely to necessity charity shop purchases only and put the rest of your budget in your savings? Savings which your DH would have an interest in, seeing as how you’re married?

A £50 pair of drawers here and there is not going to make a difference to whether she can pay a mortgage by herself.

What made it hard for you to get it right (or to meet your DP's standards)?

Did you try anything to help you remember how to do it correctly or were you banned for a first offence?

Do you own any delicate items yourself and does your DP now launder them competently and carefully?

C'mon OP you have an attitude problem, your responses are getting worse and worse.

You are so insistent on your husband not caring about your belongings, but you don't seem to care very much about him either.

This isn't a case of women's vs men's roles which you seem very defensive about. It's about him not doing something exactly the way you want it done. If you do your own white washing, it's hardly the end of the world is it. And why did it take halfway through the thread with sarky replies, to agree this might be the best way forward.

If this is how you speak to your family, I'm not too shocked it's not a very harmonious house.

What temp does he wash in as if a white item occasionally strays into my coloureds it does not come out grey. I was on 30 or 40 generally with a bio liquid.

Why don’t you put a sign with instructions on the front of the washing machine. No more plausible deniability.

Does he wash your clothes at 90 ?
I chuck in mixed loads and have never had a problem!

@Highlighta

C'mon OP you have an attitude problem, your responses are getting worse and worse Have you read what she’s responding to? Some of the worst, misogynist bollocks has been spouted on this thread. And on top of that, she’s been criticised for being upset that her stuff is repeatedly being ruined, she’s been criticised for the way that he has done the washing and she’s been criticised for having stuff that could be ruined in the first place. I’m not surprised she’s angry, I’d be furious in her shoes.

You are so insistent on your husband not caring about your belongings, but you don't seem to care very much about him either Do you think, possibly, that it could be his complete lack of care and respect for her possessions that is making her a bit pissed off with him? She’s still married to him, she’s going to counselling with him. Why are you assuming that she’s the problem here?

And why did it take halfway through the thread with sarky replies, to agree this might be the best way forward She said she didn’t ask him to do her washing, he just did it. She said she sorted the washing into piles, ready to spend the weekend working her way through, and he took it upon himself to fuck her stuff up. And maybe she thought that as he’s a grown arsed man with qualifications and a job that needs a couple of brain cells, maybe he’d be able to do his share of the housework without fucking it up or needing her to stand next to him with a pair of pom poms, cheering him on? You know, seeing as how she does all the other stuff and he does nothing in the evenings, weekends or holidays?

The reason there are replies which some people find ridiculous is because OP is contradicting herself. She started off describing a situation where her husband does his fair share at home and just doesn’t do one thing to her required standard which she went ballistic about. Then it changed to her working 14 hours a day and doing nearly everything. Some people replied to the initial scenario. If the husband really is doing this on purpose that’s a big problem but if she’s misreading his motives she sounds very stressed and possibly paranoid.

This thread is bonkers. I thought Mumsnet was suppose to be full of intelligent people but clearly not. The 1st 100 odd posts 'Use a Colour Catcher' ... Completely missing the point. And some have stooped so low as to attack the op and imply she's shit at her job. It doesn't matter if it's washing, cooking, cleaning or whatever, her husband is purposely ignoring her requests, and causing her upset. He appears to not give a shit about his wife at all.

Gods the putrid cesspit of misogynistic cuntery on this thread!

Deliberate damage to your belongings, especially the things that are most important to you, is an early marker of domestic abuse. Run, OP.

Well I never knew that MN performed an intelligence test?

What makes you think that MN would be full of intelligent people?

I have never separated my washing in my life and just bung everything in together. I've never had any issues. Surely your clothes are fine after one wash?

Personally I liked the bit where responses weren't going her ways so she topped up her chores list to include things like mowing the lawn - a 20 min activity that only takes place every 2 weeks in summer 🤣 and a few other items that really don't take much time/again depend on your keenness to do them rather than objective standards or obligations (e.g. social life...whatever that means and unnecessary presents for teachers...).

Ultimately my sympathy is low for OP because I simply don't believe that she hasn't catastrophised the whole event. She's been inconsistent in her account, blown up quickly to any level of dissent, and had some pretty mad ramblings about Trump/Boris/patriarchy in response to people telling her to maybe give less of a shit about laundry and simplify/improve her process.

Not ruined with running dye is NOT an exacting standard! It's the absolute bare minimum. It's frustrating reading these posts as an observer, so I can only imagine how much more frustrating it is to be the poster. Getting angry because dozens and dozens of people are replying ridiculously and in many cases insultingly does not indicate anger issues!

Do a job so badly you won't be asked to do it again .

I would have a separate laundry basket for my clothes and would make sure it was only me who washed them, easy.

You really posted "misogynistic cuntery" without a hint of irony or self awareness, didn't you?