To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

If you're at the stage where you are cutting your partners clothes up as retaliation, your marriage is over.

I'd have more dignity than stop on that level.

No I'm not an apologist, just for sone self respect and know that I don't want to be "that" person sitting at the kitchen table cutting up perfectly good clothes.

Cripes - I feel your pain!!

We do darks, whites, lights and mixed, using bio wash for whites and non-bio with a Colour-Catch for the rest.

My entire family know this...

I feel you DH’s pain. I am not authorised to use the washing machine or dishwasher because of my poor past performances.

I am sharing this because I am a women and wanted to confirm/back up what you discussed in couples’ therapy about laundry not being a skill exclusive to females.

My DH struggles with doing laundry correctly. I just asked him not to do my washing and do my own. Washing isn't very time consuming so it's easy to just have him leave it. He doesn't do it on purpose. If you really think yours is doing it on purpose, that's a whole other issue.

TBH OP I'd be absolutely ripping. If that's one of his set chores, then he should do it properly. It's not rocket science. Dark, lights and whites. Especially when you've set them in separate piles. I know it's more work for you, but you'd be better washing your whites/delicates yourself. A classic case of men playing dumb so they don't get asked to do it again. Unfortunately I've seen it a few times.

Maybe try exploding until he leaves it the fuck alone. Doesn't sound like a great relationship. Stick him in the machine on a boil wash

Good old weaponised fucking incompetence. Honestly, it seems the higher a man’s IQ is, the more they struggle with the basics.

I didn’t cut up anything. I didn’t have to. But I can see how it’s an equivalent action to this wilful destruction of the ops clothes and does seem a proportionate response here. I’d agree they are in a bad place, but that’s on the uselessness of this man.

I would leave.
He has contempt for you and is showing you by destroying your belongings.

My DH washes his clothes and I wash mine and that way he only ruins his own clothes. You don't need to be having the battle you are having!

Yes was also shocked by a lot of the responses here… OP should do more of the domestic work, oh he’s doing laundry at all be grateful, just do your own etc. why should OP mince around the issue when as she said he’s a 50 year old educated person who surely has the ability to learn how to seperate colours in a wash? Also they both work so therefor should share domestic tasks.. is that really so hard to comprehend

I washed DH'S underpants on 60.
Then tumble dried and they all shrank.

Settle down

This. Intelligent men don't necessarily make good partners. Interested to read so many posts blaming OP for marrying him. Some women believe they are able to predict what kind of man they'll end up married to after 10 years instead of recognising it's just good fortune if your spouse happens to respond to life's challenges and grow in relationship neutral or positive ways.

Never seen a man with a sign on his head that says "I will be a dick in 10 years".

@Italianita good to see it's not just men who ruin washing.

You are very rude - why post on here if you’re going to get angry about the replies

If You are like this at home I would be leaving

I'm thinking your anger is on a ridiculous level for laundry.

Also that you've had couples therapy after 10 years. Maybe there are deeper problems to worry about.

This would drive me insane so I totally get why it's driving you mad. He's either totally incapable or simply doesn't care and I don't know which is worse.
The only way to resolve is to do your own washing and he'll have to do his own. I know it's not ideal but he's clearly incapable of getting a very simple instruction.

He is doing it intentionally maybe subconsciously. Sorry but I suspect he doesn’t actually like you but just hasn’t admitted to himself yet

I think OP is coming across as angry because of all the ridiculous replies! Expecting her to stay positive and kindly no matter how many people miss the point, display their internalised misogyny or criticise her for not wanting her clothes to be ruined is definitely U!

I would view his behaviour as completely disrespectful. You have pointed it out so many times. He is actively choosing not to care about your laundry needs. I would have to reconsider my marriage if someone repeatedly disregarded my wishes. It’s hardly an unreasonable request. At this point it becomes about more than the laundry.

Though I do think your style of engaging with others here is unusually belligerent and combative.

Both the above can be true.

I think it's because she's got anger issues 🤷‍♀️.

She actually stated that everyone shoild say YANBU? Controlling?

Absolutely this. People just wanted a pile-on, I guess.

Did you miss the bit where she says he does the lion's share of the domestic chores? So he's doing more than his share.

Well she also said she works longer hours than him, so yes he probably should do the lions share of domestic tasks!