To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

But it sounds like he's not really agreeing, you just wear him down. That's why he keeps proposing to do the same thing again.

Is it objectively a waste of time, or is that just your opinion? Does it really have a huge impact on your life? If not, then why not just let him waste his time on it?

First comment - how the fuck have you ended up as MY husband's secret wife? How does he find the time for you on top of all his stupid hobbies?

Second comment - after a lot of arguing we did agree that just as there is stuff I cannot do he CANNOT do washing. I think it's partly not caring at all about his own clothes. He cannot see them, feel the textures. He can read a care label. But all the stuff I see like greying whites, delicates fraying are literally not distinct to him. And if it's you have to read all labels because you have no instinct about what goes where then it's actually incredibly hard to do well. My DH wd literally hold up kids white school shirts and ask if they count as white. It isn't different standards it's just not having a clue.

The only solution is I do ALL the washing and he does all of some other jobs that I don't like for parity inc cleaning the bathroom and hoovering. It's better than the constant arguments. We both contribute but differently. And he likes making the floor clean.

Third comments - it's weirdly more annoying when someone else trashes your clothes in the wash than when you do it yourself. I don't know why. But try to bear that in mind next time he does it as this won't be the last time. If you want to get good value from the therapy focus on offering solutions rather than trying to work out why he does it. Unless he's a very unusual psychopath he probably is neither consciously or unconsciously trying to make you upset.

To her stabdards? As in not ruining it? Get away with you. What a ridiculous thing to say about an adult. Not ruining clothes is not too high a standard.

Pretty sure my oxbridge educated dh got a functioning part of his brain removed - specifically the bit that can cope with laundry - in exchange for his MA.

Those saying that they 'wash whites with everything else with no issue' are walking around in grey-whites obviously with no clue 😬😂 I'd be annoyed too but would wash my own clothes instead

I don't understand this. Would not let my late DH touch the washing machine but I put whites in with anything not dark and put them on a hand wash setting if it includes underwear. Not bothered about tea towels as long as clean and mine don't run. I don't have white undies - they always go grey whatever you do - but if you do, then wash them yourself because your DH obviously doesn't understand the settings (or can't be bothered with them) and is sticking everything in on a general wash. It really isn't worth the hassle. Let him do the towels, sheets etc and his own clothes and you do your own. You cannot be working that many hours that a couple of loads of washing a week are going to fash you - heavens, it takes 5 minutes to load a machine and turn it on and DH can hang the stuff on the line.
NB I never bother with care labels - mostly they make no sense. Late DH complained I shrunk his socks, which is likely, but I also bought them and replaced them regularly. (Besides everyone knows washing machines send socks into a black hole somewhere in the region of the Andromed Nebula. Occasionally they arrive back.)

I assume something has been lost in the telling of this story, otherwise you repeatedly shoot your dh down, belittle something he wants to do, dictate to him how he spend his time, then somehow proudly present that as a proof of HIS attitude issue?

What an odd thread. Of course the OP should be able to buy/wear white clothes.

And of course her dh should be able to
a) do laundry without fucking it up
b) leave the laundry that the OP has sorted without adding random teatowels and whatnot to a load.

None of these things are difficult. I'm not surprised the OP is frustrated at a grown man who is seemingly unable to grasp such basics. He's not really incapable, he just doesn't give AF.

I don't think you get the point I'm making. In fact in my very first post, I said OP wasn't being U to expect him to follow simple instructions, like not mixing colours.

However the OP's AIBU is about whether she is right to be extremely angry about this. Not upset, annoyed, etc but very very angry. In a later update, she says she believes he's sabotaging the clothes to hurt her.

For me, there isn't enough evidence to determine this, but also OP's behavior is very strange.

She didn't just avoid admitting her DH wasn't perfect.
She actively painted a rosy picture of him. How great he is - education, job, domestic load, except for this one thing. When in fact, she's the main earner and also contradicting this first post, does a lot still.

Of course everyone was going to suggest solutions, or that this isn't the hill to die on, because according to her, everything else is great. And that's what I said as well - yeah he shouldn't mess this up but if that's the only thing just wash your stuff separately.

If she'd said nothing extra - absolutely nothing - just 'my DH can't do this simple task' the replies would've been 100% different.

OP could have said more stuff, the way these threads go (and this is MN, there are hundreds and hundreds of threads from women suffering abuse), usually the OP gives more information about the behavior. OP isn't the first nor the last to have issues and how she has posted isn't in keeping with how people normally post. We are not mind readers.

Apart from drip-feeding info that contradicts her original post she's just reacted very very angrily to a lot of replies.

Anyway, there were also people in the original post that agreed OP isn't being U but she's just chosen to have a go at people instead of focusing on people giving reasonable replies. I don't think I'll waste any more of my time on this thread. It's probably going to get pulled soon anyway the way OP is going.

I would do this. Whether I’m doing lights or darks, I’d stick in tea towels with any wash. I’m not fussed if tea towels discolour slightly (not that they ever do) and they’re washed so frequently I know they won’t run.

I'd be more worried about the DP. Anyway my late DH did not drive. I did crash the car into a gatepost which damaged the wing and radiator. 4k to fix. He did not say a word other than 'Are you ok?' (If anyone is interested the main brakes failed.)

Depends what you mean by ruin.

You’re right; I didn’t get the point you were making. And while I very much don’t agree with it, and think her anger at both her H and some of the posters on this thread is justified, I do now see where you’re coming from.

You suggested you were.

The next time he ruins something of yours, ruin something of his. When he challenges you about it, tell him you’re clearly hopeless and ever so sorry. If he says you did it as payback, wholeheartedly deny it. Rinse and repeat until he finally learns the lesson. You can call this petty, vengeful or whatever but a) it will reduce your resentment, which is a marriage killer anyway, b) talking to him hasn’t worked, speaking a language he understands might help and c) sometimes you have to fight with fire.

"it will reduce your resentment, which is a marriage killer anyway"

I think by the point you're engaging in this level of warfare, the marriage is already dead...

OP, I'm with you. My husband does this. I specifically ask him not to do the washing because he ruins my clothes... I ask him not to touch the basket with my stuff... he does it anyway. It's like he wants to prove he's not incompetent with this...by then showing he is. Drives me mad!

My mum used to do this to me without me asking and I would ask her time and time again and yes it was very infuriating. Yes the navy clothes and the pink clothes would ruin my whites and even with one wash. (It depends on the material of the whites also, some absorbs the die far more easily). I do also understand the issue around the lack of respect when you care about someone you care not to upset them. You in fact try to keep them happy by paying attention to the things they care about. I don’t understand why your husband has been apologetic about this in the past and repeats the same mistake. Hopefully it is not due to the lack of respect but just that he doesn’t quite get the significance of it otherwise he wouldn’t offer to replace them, as I can see he has done above. The separate baskets will sort this one but hopefully he is not disrespectful in other ways and a good husband all round.

I don't think OP needs tips about the washing. She just wants to know if she is BU being angry. No, you're not, OP. How much of a moron is he to still not understand the difference between colours and whites?

My partner used to do this when were younger and expecting our first baby. We didn't have much money, he'd had to leave his job unexpectedly and I couldn't afford to keep replacing clothes. He'd also shrink all my maternity tops putting them in the dryer, so I put my foot down and said anything he ruined he'd need to replace. Soon stopped. I'd definitely say if he ruins something of yours carelessly he should be replacing it, just the decent thing to do

I'm not even going to comment on the laundry problem
Your DH simply doesn't care if your clothes get ruined.
Once contempt sets in, you can't get through that in therapy
Spend your money on divorce proceedings instead
YANBU about the washing, but if it wasn't that it would be something else
From what( and how) you've posted, the love and respect has long gone

It’s obvious that you don’t like your dh but I would say that, if he’s ruining your clothes to hurt you, then he doesn’t like you either. So basically it’s a marriage where neither of you like each other. I’d say laundry was the least of your problems and your marriage is not at all in good shape (imho based on this thread).

I see I’ve practically mirrored what the previous poster said. It’s very clear to an outsider to see (or read) that the marriage is not in good shape.

My DH is like this. I ended up sticking labels on the front of the washing machine (CHECK COLOURS) and the tumble dryer (NO WOOL). He still manages to shrink/ruin clothes!

"I believe he is sabotaging my clothes to hurt me."

That's so sad. Either he's gaslighting you/ treating you badly in some other ways or you are paranoid.

Keep going with the therapy.

Or leave.

@Aplatterofpuss

You seem to have got yourself into a real spin with this!