To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Why is everyone telling the OP just to do her own washing? She's repeatedly clarified that she didn't ask or expect him to do it, he just did it anyway, against her wishes - and ruined it in the process. That's nothing but disrespectful.

She's also allowed to be angry! Especially when people keep spectacularly missing the point.

I have a DH who constantly does all the household laundry. But he respects the basket of stuff I keep separate because I want it done a certain way - and I do it myself. He doesn't take it upon himself to do it because I've asked him not to. That's at the crux of this.

Your DH is annoying, but you need to buy some better stuff. Unless there was a brand new t-towel in there, I doubt anything actually ran to ruin your clothes!

He sounds like a pain with washing. My dc are horrendous for this. I know have trained them to put colour catcher sheets in everywash as they always seem to stick a coloured sock in

Wtf - why should she?! He is a grown adult who has been told numerous times, presumably has the necessary cognitive and physical capabilities, and clearly just does not give a toss enough to actually bother doing it correctly. I won't have this "you do it better" mentality, it's a cop out on his part and reeks of misogyny.

"He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours."

This was in the OP.

You seem to have come to a mutual agreement with your DH. The OP has not.

I get it OP. Yes it is on purpose, yes it’s pass agg and I would imagine your husband is also extremely patronising to you.

it’s probably the tip of the counselling iceberg.

I totally hear your pain. DH once washed something red with a pale silk blouse. That was the last time he was allowed to touch my clothes. The upside is DS does the washing in his home as growing up I taught him how to do the laundry properly and he doesn’t have an issue remembering.

Another example of ridiculous mumsnet replies on a thread. It’s not about the clothes, well it is because they’re ruined, but the bigger issue is your DH not listening to you and respecting your things. You’re right to be upset and pissed off OP I would be too and I would also be demanding a whole new wardrobe.

Also I love your replies, good on you for giving back to the misogynistic wombats on here determined to blame you.

@Aplatterofpuss This is the crux of the matter:
I believe he is sabotaging my clothes to hurt me.

You know your marriage and your (D)H. If this is what he's doing, that's cruel, unkind and manipulative.

Forget raging against people with different washing processes. What they think doesn't matter.The important question to ask yourself is Why are you with someone who deliberately treats you so poorly?

Yes, I'm illustrating the difference. My DH also understands the mental load and does his share of household chores, but respects my wishes about my belongings that I want to be handled a certain way. The OP's problem is that her DH doesn't, despite discussion and explanation and her pre-sorting stuff to do herself.

This is getting ridiculous. My view is that gender has f all to do with this issue. If this was a bloke on here complaining about the way his wife was doing his washing he would get ripped to shreds. This issue is not that deep. It’s just washing. It must be exhausting living in a state of stress and anger like this.

OP; My husband is repeatedly damaging my things. I’ve told him how not to. I’ve shown him how not to. I’ve asked him repeatedly not to. I’ve asked him to leave those things alone. How do I deal with this?

Everyone else; Don’t be mean. Why have you got stuff that can be ruined in the first place? Don’t be angry. Don’t nag him. Let him ruin your things and fix them yourself. Let him ruin your things and be happy with their condition. Our things don’t get ruined, why are you making a fuss about your things? It’s your fault he’s ruining your things because you married him. You’re so angry. Maybe he’s doing it on purpose so you’ll leave him and he won’t have to be married to you anymore. Are you drinking? Are you on medication? You’re obviously a rubbish teacher. Why are you so angry?

What the fuck is going on this evening?

Buy coloured knickers in future.

Boil all his clothes with beetroot.

It's the only language these people understand.

It isn’t clear that OP has actually kept her washing separate and told him not to do it. I find it difficult to get my head round the idea that her husband would actually be setting out to do this on purpose to get back at her. If that’s really the case and OP is saying she imploded and it wasn’t pretty then the relationship has really had it. It’s not clear if that’s the case or if OP is just angry and critical and rejecting practical suggestions.

I never separate my washing, are you waging on a 30 degree wash?

Thinking about it I don't really ever wear white clothes so maybe that's why i don't need to separate anything.

That said he does sound annoying but you do sound a bit precious about it as well 🤷‍♀️

From what I've read of the op's posts, she's not saying to not wash certain items.
She's expects him to do it, do it right and that be it.
For some reason, her Oxford educated dh is absolutely thick as shit and can't do it.
OP sees this as sabotage, war begins.

Couples therapy has not sorted this issue.

This war now includes all men and women, colour catchers, Donald Trump, patriarchy, Boris Johnson, not being able to leave her husband due to poor pay, and being exceptionally aggressive to every one here tonight.

I'm 23 pages in, the OP is not entirely sweet here

Wow

Your attitude is weapons grade awful. Is there ANYTHING a bit shit in your life that is your fault and you're prepared to take responsibility for? Or is it all down to someone else?

No she's not.

She's hurt and frustrated.

Hmm, but sometimes hurt and frustrated does come across as unhinged.

My mum ranted and raved for an hour at her birthday celebration last year because my dad wiped the countertops differently to how she would wipe them. Transpired she was just stressed and suffering from a UTI, but doesn't change the fact that she caused a horrible atmosphere (and has consistently done so) just because she can't manage her own feelings.

I have a feeling that OP is the same and that, unfortunately, because she gets hung up on minor issues and reacts disproportionately her family members probably don't take her seriously.

OP needs to reflect on what sort of life she wants to live. Is worrying about laundry worth the stress?

My mum also has a habit of reading too much into situations and claiming that X person did Y because of Z. When in reality, X person just did Y on autopilot/the way they normally do things and it wasn't to 'get back at her' or 'show her up' etc.

We aren't in OP's household. Perhaps her husband really is some sort of arsehole trying to destroy her psychologically through weaponised incompetence, but the simpler explanation is that they have different standards and he does things on autopilot and occasionally fucks up.

100% this.

I don’t read it as hurt and frustrated . I read it as critical and angry. I didn’t read that she had asked him not to do her laundry but that she expected him to do it to her standards. Some of her replies on here are aggressive. I’m not sure if she’s reading her husband’s motives correctly. It’s possible that I’m wrong and he’s damaging her stuff on purpose but her attitude on here makes me doubt it.

I was just going to say exactly that. I think it's a passive-aggressive manoeuvre to get back at you. Many men carry a lot of resentment around ideas that their wives are controlling them, making them do wife-stuff, etc.

The alternative is he just files anything you say into a space in his head marked 'inconsequential chatter and other stuff I don't have to take any notice of'. This morning my DH and I had an argument about something we must have argued about a couple of dozen times. He says he's going to do a thing. I explain to him for the umpteenth time why doing that thing is a complete waste of valuable time. He agrees, eventually, when he can't come up with a logical argument to refute mine. Yet I can guarantee that in a couple of months time when we are the same situation he will say he's going to do the same thing, and I will have to have it out with him yet again. He honestly doesn't listen or take in anything I say, because he's grown up believing women aren't worth listening to and his own opinion should go undisputed.

Sorting and sticking a load of washing on takes about 3 minutes. I think as her partner does the lions share of domestic duties, OP should just take on putting the wash on for the sake of 3 minutes work. It's obviously not her partners forte. If he's doing everything else to an OK standard I don't know why you'd assume on this task he's making a pigs ear of it on purpose.

He can still sort the drying and putting away etc.

Nothing to do with gender, just seems the easiest solution.

I believe he is sabotaging my clothes to hurt me.

So why do you want to stay with him? Leave him.