To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

She’s being narky at posters.

Why is the Oxbridge education relevant to laundry habits? Just asking for a friend. 🤣

My Oxbridge educated relatives have never done any washing apart from their own so can't judge the quality of their laundry skills, but in my house I'm the person doing the laundry for the household avoiding issues with any clothes being potentially ruined.

Either separate the washing so everyone does their own or do it yourself for the whole family. Simples.

This is bonkers, leaping from being told to do your own laundry to how Trump and Johnson came to power. Look, if a guy came on here saying he was incandescent because his wife was ruining his pristine white shirts he would very quickly be told to do his own washing. You have said he does other jobs. If he was leaving all chores to you you’d have a point but you sound disproportionately angry. It’s fair for a couple to put equal effort in but you are beginning to sound a bit tyrannical. When he has replaced the spoiled items have your own basket and tell him not to touch it.

Most people like that are on their best behaviour at the dating stage though, as they know it’s easy to be binned early on with little emotional attachment or financial sunk cost to the decision.

It's not. The glass is just the headline.
Direct quote.
"If he KNEW that ― if he fully understood this secret she has never explained to him in a way that doesn’t make her sound crazy to him (causing him to dismiss it as an inconsequential passing moment of emo-ness), and that this drinking glass situation and all similar arguments will eventually end his marriage, I believe he WOULD rethink which battles he chose to fight, and would be more apt to take action doing things he understands to make his wife feel loved and safe."

You're also completely wrong about power plays. They do make sense. It's about control, deliberate decisions to undermine the other party. And it will always, 100% be more than one thing.

You also don't know anything about his clothes - like many men, he may own stuff that can't be ruined.

Anyway going by the OP's replies she sounds batshit quite frankly. I have no idea why she even posted in AIBU but it's impossible to trust anything she says really. Like you said, there are bigger issues if counsellors are involved but why the fixation with the clothes, and why the need to make her DH sound amazing in the OP?

Also (I've said this on loads of posts!) I'm a software developer. I'm laughing at the idea of him having a 'good programming job' that pays less than a teacher. Even if it's only 8 a.m. - 3 p.m.

Strange how he can't manage it though isn't it?
After numerous requests and even therapy, a grown man is unable to do a wash????

Colour catcher sheets are your friends here. We mix wash everything with a colour catcher and no issues. When I want to brighten whites I soak them in water with a cap of some special whites brightener whose name escapes me right now- think it might be called the white stuff?! It stinks of bleach. Works well for me as the person in charge of family washing (husband does all cooking) who can't be arsed to separate colours.

He can do his own washing, he can do domestic tasks, he just can’t do her washing to her standards. He’s her partner not her servant.

Op, you are clearly very very unhappy with your life. I suspect you are both throwing money away with the counselling, this is too far gone. Is it just down to the finances that you need to stay together? Can we help?

If your husband keeps doing the same thing time and time again and it has a detrimental effect on you (and your clothes) then rather than expect him to change, perhaps it would be more fruitful for you to develop coping mechanisms.

Don’t leave your clothes where he can ‘helpfully’ launder them, work out a better distribution of labour around the house, whatever.

As a teacher you must be aware people learn in different ways and, to be honest, to change or ‘teach’ people after the age of 50 is always going to be a big challenge.

OR

If you can’t stand living with your husband, maybe get a divorce.

Works well for me as the person in charge of family washing (husband does all cooking) who can't be arsed to separate colours.

Has your husband asked you yet to attend therapy to address your 'weaponised incompetence'??? 😉😂😂

Nice clothes cost money, I ruined a beautiful jumper once myself, I'm still sad about it.

I wash when the laundry hamper looks weighty. He washes his own if he wants it sooner. He won't touch mine because he knows I'm fussy.

As for white I wear a lot of white tops, lingerie etc Why shouldn't I. I wouldn't ruin them.

A lot of posters are being passive agressive or telling her she should just get over it/it’s not worth getting upset over, which isn’t very helpful.

Teach him to add a colour catcher sheet to each wash. Ta da- problem solved.

This is why I've never trusted any one to put washing on for me. It just takes one wrong thing and it can ruin work clothes, bedding etc. It works out so expensive a mistake as you need to buy new work stuff. Good suggestion put your own washing on. Let him do his.
If you are in couples counselling, is he trying to sabotage in some way?

As many have said, both do your own laundry. Who has time to go to therapy over something like that?
And could try to avoid buying white underwear.

Make him pay for every ruined item of clothing. You've tried everything else. Good luck. It would piss me off too, it's not hard to get it right.

I mentioned his intelligence to illustrate his intelligence levels. Because his intelligence levels are high in many areas of his life, I believe he is sabotaging my clothes to hurt me.

It's not patriarchy - it's geekiness. Some people just have blind spots. And yes, we have Oxbridge software males in the family. Sounds like he tries, but isn't good at pulling it off. You have enough on your plate without fighting what's not really worth fighting. Once the whites wear out, maybe replace with a more forgiving neutral?

Yes, buying neutral clothes will definitely cut the root of my husband’s disregard for my feelings.

My very intelligent, Oxford educated housemate tried to plug in a wet plug that she'd dropped in the foot spa.

Oxford educated usually means great at quoting Shakespeare at you but absolutely thick as shit in common sense.

And I'll emphasise that this was a FEMALE housemate before you get on to the patriarchy crap again.

You are angry because you have anger issues. Your partner is probably messing up because he’s switched off from you.

Yes, what he does is annoying. Your responses to people show how angry and hot headed you are. If he’s making you this way then leave him. You can’t live your life angry.

I am actually shocked you’re a teacher. Teachers generally needs the patience of s saint to put up with what we have too. (I’m a teacher) I bet you’re a nightmare when the photocopier breaks!

Having read more of the thread I feel sorry for OP’s husband. She’s seriously unhinged.

Excellent comment. I hope you’re feeling good about yourself.

just buy some colour catchers. Is this the hill you want to die on?