To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Your choice to marry someone:

Selfish. Once you did mention it to him he could at least try not to do it. But he doesn't. He doesn't care. Lack of respect.

Why are you putting up with that? Where's your self respect?

Or he's a manchild. Or just can't cope with basics. Both of which are irritating. But once again where's your boundaries, your red flags, your emotional intelligence to not spot all this, in the dating, pre engagement stage?

Because I’m being gaslit by the wingwomen of the patriarchy.

The correct answer is YANBU, I’d also be angry about someone ruining my expensive clothes.

On here the answers have ranged from, “don’t buy white clothes, do the laundry yourself, you’re nagging, your white underwear is ridiculous, you need to use vanish to undo the damage to your marriage is over and you are a horrible person.”

This has shown me a little snapshot of why we are allowing people like Donald Trump and Boris Johnson to run whole countries.

Frankly we are so far from anywhere good with regards to women’s lives improving and it’s people like you that contribute to this.

More woman blaming. Add yourself to the list.

You're the one letting material possessions drive you to a lonely and bitter old age.

She bought brilliant white stuff because she wants brilliant white stuff. And her DH is making them not brilliant white anymore. They might still be fine, but if she’d wanted slightly off white clothes, she’d have bought slightly off white clothes. You, or anyone else might look at them and think that they’re still perfectly fine, but they aren’t what she wants her clothes to be. Because of him.

And does it really matter what her perceptions are? She has something that she values. Her husband gets his hands on it and makes it so that its value is lost in her eyes. She asks him over and over again to not do that thing, but he carries on. Does it have to be more significant before it matters? Does he have to break all the heels off her shoes or scribble on her car in permanent marker before it’s disrespectful?

Women can’t leave men because of money.
have you looked around lately?

"The correct answer is YANBU, I’d also be angry about someone ruining my expensive clothes."

You don't get to ask us a question and then dictate what the answer is, you actually sound like a crazy person, a very angry one.

OP has said that her clothes are ruined. Believe her? Why is it so hard to believe her?

Don't bother commenting if all you're going to do is call OP a liar. Jeez.

OP, it sounds like weaponised incompetence to me. Get 2 baskets, one for you and one for DH. Do you own laundry from now on and he can ruin his own clothes.

Yes he should pay you back for ruining your whites.

You mixing wine with your meds?

You are so angry!!

WTF do your pristine white knickers have to do with the
Daily Mail
Boris Johnson
Donald trump

I'd be fucking horrified if you were teaching any of my kids, you're seriously unhinged.

Honestly OP if you’re that concerned about looking after your expensive white clothes, I actually think it’s extremely careless of you to not wash them properly yourself. You chose to spend that money on them, you chose the colour, you read the label in the shop. So it’s your responsibility to look after them. I have expensive clothes which are tedious to clean - I know that this is my choice. I am wondering if you’re not just this angry at yourself for delegating a job that shouldn’t have been delegated. If it’s happening repeatedly it’s entirely on you.

Women Blaiming?

No. I don't do that. I don't blame women for being raped. Or things that aren't their fault.

I do blame you for not having the emotional intelligence to recognise that you were dating a man child.

I don't consider that 'women blaiming'.

I get you OP and sympathise. My final straw was when toddler DS was taken ill abroad and we had to fly home separately. Me with DS and a nurse and DH with DD. We were delayed and DH got home before me. I rang him and he said... don't worry about anything, I've done ALL the holday washing! My heart sank. I asked him if he'd sorted it properly and his answer was... Oh don't fret, I've done an EVERYTHING wash!!

I got home to find my lovely whites wrecked and tiny. He'd done the lot, including navy beach towels, at 90c

That was 1994. I've kept my stuff separate ever since. And yes, I did demand he replace every item that was ruined at the time.

Stop wearing white. Problem solved. Life is too short.

I did and I had no money. Me and the kids had to sleep on a sofa at my mum’s.

Out of curiousity why are you sounding so very, very angry. Not just at your dh but people on here too. You may not even realise it. I’m getting imagery of you looking fuming and incandescent. That can’t be fun.

Just bung his trumpet in the washing machine, jobs a goodun.

I mean, I’ve seen a lot of topics somehow twist themselves to get round to blaming/mentioning Trump …. But the laundry being ruined is right up there. 😂

I supposed then that I 'employed weaponised incompetence' when we were first married and I ironed a pair of his trousers, which were a wool mix fabric, inside out so they wouldn't go shiny, creases and all!

I can't fathom why you'd attend and pay for therapy, and drive yourself to the point of breakdown, when you could simply open the machine, place clothes in, select program. It will take you around 60 seconds. And your husband takes it from there (empties machine, drying, ironing).

My husband will, on occasion, empty the machine unprompted and peg it on the line. He once took a load out that I'd put in (and forgot to start) and pegged it out. A full load that he didn't notice was dry and unwashed 😂

So this is it, isn't it?

Couples therapy, the anger, bringing in all kinds of irrelevant shit......

You want to leave, you want this marriage over but you don't have the big pristine white knickers to do it in!

Is that what's this all about?

We definitely need a Bollocks button on here!

I think sympathy for you will be running out if you carry on being so aggressive. Yes he’s being incompetent and annoying and disrespectful and you obviously have big issues as a couple, but why are you turning on people here.

Tell your husband to pay back what he owes in ruined clothes and keep on demanding repayment every time (although personally any ‘nice’ stuff I have I don’t leave for anyone else to wash but that doesn’t excuse him).

Why shouldn’t she be angry? Her husband keeps ruining her clothes. All the silly passive agressive replies suggesting she’s at fault seem to be ignoring this.

I am frankly amazed by the amount of men who seemingly cannot wash clothes, in a washing machine no less. Not like they have to hand wash.
They apparently hold down full time jobs, I guess are not told over and over how to do their job, but washing clothes is some kind of mystery.

How can this be?

It can only be that they dont care. Which is fine, but just admit it instead of ruining clothes.

I'm surprised at the responses here

OP's DH is clearly capable and competent, therefore he could do laundry properly if he felt it was important

His lack of respect for OP's belongings is good example of weaponised incompetence. And it's worked, as OP is now thinking of doing her own laundry

How depressing

I agree with you 1000%; if my OH did this to my clothes on a regular basis I would be beyond livid. Nobody should be that useless at doing laundry.

On a practical level, have you tried colour catchers? If you could get him to add a colour catcher sheet to every wash it might help if he mucks things up again by putting coloured items in with white items. Although, if he’s this resistant to doing the laundry correctly trying to get him to add a new step to the process might also drive you mad too, but it might be worth a try 🤷‍♀️