To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

I don't separate washing and have ruined my whites once only

I can feel your anger, outrage, misery and distress with every one of your posts, @Aplatterofpuss

I would also go mad if my husband did this. He has occasionally put dark washing on, but neglected to remove a tissue from a pocket. The dark washing ends up covered in tiny white bits. It infuriates me because it's so fucking unnecessary. Empty your stupid pockets FGS. I've only mentioned it twice a week for twenty five years.

Yes, it's stupidity. And when it happens in our house I get irrationally infuriated for hours.

I feel your pain @Aplatterofpuss

But so are the hours in many jobs. I used to be a primary teacher, but changed job for flexibility when I had kids, and I work far harder and longer hours in my local authority job. I don't really recognise these long, long hours which teachers complain of. I arrived just before 8, left by 4 and didn't need to work evenings or weekends or holidays.

OP has clarified that her DH does less hours than her, but I really, really don't think that being a teacher is a reason for not doing her half of the chores.

What do they teach?

I remember living with primary teachers and secondary teachers. The primary teachers did more hours.

You say that he 'does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week ....' do you think he's trying to make a point about this OP, ie, he's pissed off with doing everything, and thinks that if you want to be so fussy about your washing, then you can damn well do it yourself?

She is when it comes to laundry.

Why put up with this shit? Life is too short for that.

OP has clarified that her DH does less hours than her

Or even fewer hours

A mixture of primary and secondary teachers in the group

OP, if couples therapy hasn’t helped with his laundry ‘accidents’ then I’m not sure how MN can help? However he sounds horrible and I understand your anger. My only suggestion is to keep your laundry locked in the boots of your car, so only you can do it? And maybe pop into his shed to ‘help’ with tidying his tools? Or does his expensive laptop need updating????

Find it eye opening that so many people just bung everything in together, that said I notice a lot of people with greyed whites and murky lights coloured clothes on the train.

For all the people saying one teatowel wont ruin a load it absolutely can. I ruined a bunch of my DH’s new white all saints T-shirts by accidental putting a very old pair of navy undies in the washing (exhausted new mother at the time).

Personally I do all our laundry because although my DH is a fab cook he’s awful at washing and I don’t want my expensive Sezane shirts coming out grey. However he pulls his weight everywhere else which I suspect your DH doesn’t so our division of tasks works for us.

You are not being unreasonable op, he should be able to do a load of washing. He’s an academic not a dimwit.

No! Don't break the teacher myth that they are the only people who ever work long hours you big meanie .

And I have never washed white things with dark.
Never.

I think you sound unhinged.

Have you thought of getting a sheet of stickers that say “I have tampered with this” and randomly sticking one or two on his things, every time this happens? I think it will annoy him

PS you don’t sound unhinged

How are people ruining clothes with one wash. Rarely separate our washes and we've survived. Are you washing couture?

OP here's a suggestion.
Go and ruin something of his, deliberately.
Make him feel the level of distress that you feel when he fucks up the washing.

Yes he pays you back for every single item to be replaced.

Going forward you do your laundry and none else’s.

Not at all unhinged, but angry and frustrated.

I'd be the same OP.

YANBU

confirming you aren’t at all unhinged.

I'd want to do this. But I'd talk to a solicitor instead. Couple therapy doesn't seem to be working.

Jesus Christ. Isn't the poor man allowed to be bad at something? I imagine he's as miserable with you as you are with him. Let him go.

The OP does not sound unhinged at all.
She sounds like she's in despair. And I don't blame her.

The 'poor man' ?????

Yet another Mumsnet manchild