Another mum screaming at my child?

[JC94]

Oh I desperately need an outsiders opinion please!

Daughter is 10 and in year 6. The environment between her and her friends at school has become pretty toxic in the last few months and I’ve tried so hard to advise on my side and keep the school informed - school have been great so far!

I get a call today to say my daughter, who usually doesn’t say boo to a ghost, got into a fight with another girl. This other girl has previously stolen from my daughter and slapped her a couple of months ago (toxic environment example!). I’ve only ever told my kids that physical force is only acceptable if you’re in danger and it is your only means of safety and I know my daughter wasn’t innocent in what happened today. I’m disappointed in her behaviour and there will be consequences. She could have walked away, she chose not to. By all accounts, my daughter was picked up off the floor by two boys whilst some other girls then started fighting the other girl.

My daughter leaves school by herself and comes to meet me or her dad at the car less than a 2-3 minute walk away. She has a phone to call us whilst she walks. Today, she called her dad hysterically sobbing because the mum pulled her to the side in the playground at the end of the day and screamed in her face “are you the bitch who beat up my daughter?”. Apparently there was more she said but her dad wasn’t sure of the exact wording to tell me (we’re separated) so he’s getting my daughter to write it down when she’s calmer. My daughter is now anxiety riddled and petrified to go to school on Monday. She suffered with anxiety during Covid and we worked with the Children’s Mental Health service to try and get back on track.

I’ve notified the school who have asked my daughter to write it all down and email it over the weekend ready for Monday morning. I will obviously walk her to school and collect her from the playground next week and she has to report directly to a member of staff. Now I understand a mum who is upset because her daughter has been hurt, I’ve been in her shoes, but screaming in a 10 year olds face until they’re sobbing can’t be okay - can it? I was absolutely livid when I found out.

Am I being unreasonable to escalate this with the school as I have done considering everything that’s happened? Someone has mentioned that it’s a “consequence for fighting” but I really don’t see it that way when the school were dealing with the fight? Would really appreciate an outsiders perspective… how would you feel?

Sorry OP but my son was bullied mercilessly and I always said don't hit back tell the teacher etc and they did absolutely nothing. He left school with no gcses despite me making him go and get bullied everyday.
He's got terrible social anxiety and depression now, scarred for life.
When she gets home don't tell her your disappointed say well done for defending yourself. If this happens in high school you do exactly the same! My younger son is getting bullied atm I've told the school and not much has happened about it but I will be telling them again Tuesday. I've told him if they push him, push them back stand up for yourself. I'm not making the same mistakes twice, letting shitty little bullies scar my kids. Ive also told him to tell them i told him to if it actually happens and he gets in trouble. I tried doing the right thing the first time round and the school did absolutely nothing so I won't be letting it happen again.

Another pupil stabbed my DD (5) in the leg with a pen recently, I asked if she told the teacher and she said ‘no mummy, I scratched her across the face instead’. I said good for you.

File a police report. They will work with the school to get the parent’s details.

That woman would be sorry she ever looked at my child. Not surprised her daughter is so nasty.

A

I reported a father at our school for threatening to hit my 9 year old son. His son was a bully and was always hitting other kids. When he hit DS, DS pushed him away and the father went nuts and threatened to hit DS in front of me.

I also wasn't sure whether logging this with 101 was an overreaction, but I was really worried about the dad so I logged it online. The police phoned me back quite quickly and went and had a word with the dad. They take threats to children seriously. The dad was very quiet after that.

If your DD is in year 6, can you keep her off school for the rest of the term as there's only a couple of weeks left? I know it may not be possible depending on your work circumstances.

This. No wonder the police force are overwhelmed if they get dragged into things like this.

F

Agree it’s utter nonsense

Keeping her off school is not going to help anything @JustCleaningtheBBQ! Why should this girl be kept off because of someone else's behaviour? Usually they do a lot of celebratory things to mark the end of primary.
The mother should of course be reported to the school.

Who else saw this ? If she really did scream then lots of others would have heard it surely !

Why not leave it to school to put consequences in place for your child, as the incident occurred at school, during school hours?
Sounds like she has been through enough, so I'd keep school and home separate.
And, quite frankly, good on her for standing up for herself, rather than 'walking away'.

10 year old children can be vile. They may still be learning but some show traits that become more prevalent as they mature. That child's mother may well have been strung a line by their child, just as the OP may have been for all we know.
I'd find out more before going in hard on it. If the mother was screaming there will be witnesses.

Getting screamed at by another parent is not a consequence of fighting. The parent is unhinged. You don't approach someone's child in this way. It sounds like this other parent is raising a bully who may have got a taste of their own medicine... you could say that's a consequence for this other child to get hit back for once.

Depends why. If I saw a bunch of kids torturing a cat or something damn right I would scream at them. Or if I caught them trying to set fire to something. Kids need a sharp shock.

Call them bitches too?

@mondaytosunday The mother should of course be reported to the school.

The school are not responsible for the mother or feral kids.

Both mothers are responsible for teaching their own kids not to fight.

The school sounds dreadful and doesn't seem to have any kind of grip on pupil behaviour. I couldn't imagine the violence you are describing happening at either of my children's schools.

In your shoes, I'd be reporting the parent to the police as soon as possible and would also be reporting to school via official channels, making sure everything is in writing and requesting an urgent meeting. My expectation would be that this parent would no longer be allowed on school premises, and I would communicate this clearly to the school from the outset. Your daughter should not be in a position where she is having to face this woman on her way in and out of school, and I would expect school to ensure that she is protected immediately from Monday.

Probably not but tbh I couldn’t care about that if they were nasty little whatsits

You're an adult, I'm assuming. Are you not discovering that if you go through life in this kind of confrontational mode you will find it very, very difficult to gain anyone's cooperation?

Full-on aggression is, in almost every circumstance, the least effective way to bring about the result you want. When it's kids you're confronting, that will usually be to make them stop doing something. And if the idea is to use your adulthood, maturity and size to intimdate the nasty little whatsits, you might find it's not that straightforward. Kids like the ones mentioned in this thread are well aware adults can't touch them and would probably stand and laugh at you.

Where will you be then? If you ever find yourself in this position, careful in the way you respond. A Schedule 1 conviction could render you persona non grata in many walks of life.

There's a reason most of us don't go around shouting and brawling in the street. The authorities are the correct people to deal with this.

YANBU it’s not appropriate to call a 10 year old a “bitch” . I know we are only getting one side of the story but it sounds like this girl is no angel herself .

Hate to say it but agree with this. I have to wonder what is she teaching her daughter if she thinks it’s ok to call a ten year old a bitch and make her cry ?

I'd be spitting fire op. Kids have fights, they get it wrong and I understand any mum feeling protective of their child but that's no excuse to accost harass and assault a minor. Because getting into someone's face and screaming at them is assault. I'd go through the school but I'd seriously consider logging it with police too. I'd put it all in writing and request a meeting with the school where they detail all steps being taken to deal with what's happening as it sounds like they've no real management of the situation. If the mum was in school property when she approached your dd I'd expect a strong follow-up from the school regarding that as well.

I’m not confrontational. I wouldn’t scream at a child because they had a spat with mine. However if I saw a kid doing something awful - attacking a disabled or much younger child, abusing animals, or something like that I would go absolutely nuclear. I wouldn’t care what the parents thought. Restorative punishments are useless.

Yes - I rang 101 - they said to me if I tell them names and they feel a crime was committed they would need to investigate but they were happy for me to remain anonymous and give me advice.