Another mum screaming at my child?

[JC94]

Oh I desperately need an outsiders opinion please!

Daughter is 10 and in year 6. The environment between her and her friends at school has become pretty toxic in the last few months and I’ve tried so hard to advise on my side and keep the school informed - school have been great so far!

I get a call today to say my daughter, who usually doesn’t say boo to a ghost, got into a fight with another girl. This other girl has previously stolen from my daughter and slapped her a couple of months ago (toxic environment example!). I’ve only ever told my kids that physical force is only acceptable if you’re in danger and it is your only means of safety and I know my daughter wasn’t innocent in what happened today. I’m disappointed in her behaviour and there will be consequences. She could have walked away, she chose not to. By all accounts, my daughter was picked up off the floor by two boys whilst some other girls then started fighting the other girl.

My daughter leaves school by herself and comes to meet me or her dad at the car less than a 2-3 minute walk away. She has a phone to call us whilst she walks. Today, she called her dad hysterically sobbing because the mum pulled her to the side in the playground at the end of the day and screamed in her face “are you the bitch who beat up my daughter?”. Apparently there was more she said but her dad wasn’t sure of the exact wording to tell me (we’re separated) so he’s getting my daughter to write it down when she’s calmer. My daughter is now anxiety riddled and petrified to go to school on Monday. She suffered with anxiety during Covid and we worked with the Children’s Mental Health service to try and get back on track.

I’ve notified the school who have asked my daughter to write it all down and email it over the weekend ready for Monday morning. I will obviously walk her to school and collect her from the playground next week and she has to report directly to a member of staff. Now I understand a mum who is upset because her daughter has been hurt, I’ve been in her shoes, but screaming in a 10 year olds face until they’re sobbing can’t be okay - can it? I was absolutely livid when I found out.

Am I being unreasonable to escalate this with the school as I have done considering everything that’s happened? Someone has mentioned that it’s a “consequence for fighting” but I really don’t see it that way when the school were dealing with the fight? Would really appreciate an outsiders perspective… how would you feel?

Not okay at all but wait and see what the school's response is. They will know this is serious and should treat it as such.

She shouldn't have screamed in your child's face.

And yes, I imagine it's a consequence of fighting.

Sounds like a truly awful school that has lost its grip on the pupils behavior.

YADNBU

Escalate this with the school, I also suggest you get the police involved as soon as possible because it is a safeguarding concern due to the vulnerability of your child who was pounced on by this raving lunatic.......I'm genuinely shocked that this has happened and the woman sounds like she completely lost control of her senses and the fact that your daughter is only 10.

Also, you don't know what this lunatic is capable of if she was to come into contact with your child again.

I would advise you to inform the police. I understand the stress, however she can’t be left to believe she can scream at a child like this again. Prosecution is not necessarily the goal, the police have many out of court tactics to send a warning to her and it safeguards your child further should anything escalate again.

I would file a report with the police immediately. What this mother did is totally unacceptable.

Were there no other adults present?

I would have it out with the mum why wouldn't you

@Bringitonnowibeg that won’t end well and if you do it anywhere near school you will probably get banned from school premises

Your poor child. It sounds horrendous.

I just found this on a Google search another reason to report the aggressive woman to the police

In England and Wales, it is an also offence to cause harassment, alarm or distress under the Public Order Act 1986. This carries a £1,000 fine or a penalty notice of £80. If the offence is committed with intent to cause harassment, alarm or distress, the offender can be given 6 months' imprisonment or a fine.

@crumblingschools I would be surprised if there were no witnesses however she is with her dad this weekend and she was getting even more upset just talking to me on the phone about it. I’m going to wait for her to write it down over the weekend and then see what it says about other people nearby

You can call the police anonymously and ask for advice what would happen if you have names and reported

@JC94 I’m just surprised an adult didn’t intervene, not just for your DD’s sake but also not good for other children to see an adult shouting at a child

I did this over racial abuse - and it helped when I emailed the head master and said the police recommended I contact you to ask you to do X please etc etc

You definitely need to look at always collecting your dd from school from now on, or even consider moving school- fighting being a regular thing in a primary school is crazy

Yanbu.

Sounds to me as if your daughter reached breaking point and snapped. The other child found out it isn't nice to be on the receiving end as a result.

Whilst you dealt with the other children's behaviour towards your daughter through the proper channels, the other mum chose not to.

I doubt she would have accepted it if you had shouted at her child for bullying your daughter, in the same way she shouted at yours.

You need to do what you is right for your daughter. If that means you report it to the police, then so be it.

Apple didn't fall far from the tree, and both mother and daughter will hopefully both learn there is a consequence to their behaviour.

At the least the police can tell her not to approach your daughter again.

School can hopefully keep an eye on things to make sure there is no further behaviour from the mother or daughter towards yours.

Support the school if you think any consequence for your daughter starting the gight us appropriate, but don't be too hard on her. Sounds as if she needs some tlc after the other mothers outburst.

@Talkingfrog Thank you - especially for the TLC comment. I’m heartbroken to hear how she’s feeling and how her anxieties have returned and know I need to help her with those. Trying to balance that with the consequences of what she did in the first place has been causing the most anxiety for me for when she gets home tomorrow evening

@stayathomer I will definitely be walking her to and from for the rest of the year. She only has two weeks left until she leaves for Secondary school so I’m hoping we can get through these and have a fresh start. She is the only one from her school going to the new Secondary so we have a chance to start over - fingers crossed! I have always praised the school but now I think about the environment she’s been in the last few months, I don’t think they’ve done enough to prevent this…

@Decompressing2 I’m assuming this is done via 101?

Wow this is a primary school?!?! I grew up in a rough area and this sort of thing would happen in my secondary daily but never in primary.

Where were the teachers? Report this to school and I don’t think calling the police is OTT. She’s 10!

And yes to walking her to school and back for the rest of the year.

What’s the secondary like? Is it just as rough?

Because it will just end up in another screaming match and resolve nothing? Much better to leave it to the school, who with any luck will ban the other mother from the premises.

I would walk her into school and see how they deal with it on Monday. I wouldn’t call the police. I think this might escalate it to an extent where the Mum and other girl make an allegation against your DD if there was a physical fight and the Mum believes that your DD beat up hers.

In schools where I've worked, regardless of the background of a situation, if a parent verbally or physically abused a child on the playground, they would receive a ban from school property for a fixed period of time.

Scary stuff.
No wonder your daughter lashed out finally.
Good or bad, she can not be tormented at school.
I can understand we all stick up for our children, but does the mother know what has been going on at school... probably not or doesn't care.
Get the school to advise you, and we can not blame the school for what goes on. ..actions of maladjusted kids are typical nowadays.
I would be prepared to stay far out of contact with the other mother, police or school, which can help you surely.
It is good your daughter talks and tells you what is going on.

Reading this because my son’s school is quite similar! Only it’s the boys and the girls and they’re year 5.

The school hasn’t handled it well because it’s a school with an amazing reputation in a nice area and the children involved are “precious little darlings” and the school is in denial.

We moved him to this school because it seemed nicer and less dangerous than his previous school. We were very very wrong.

I am interested to follow this thread because it feels like this would happen at our school before term finishes.

So sorry this happened to your daughter OP. I’m hoping that the mum will be told she isn’t allowed on school property and has to collect her children via Reception only if there is nobody else to do it (this happened at our old school when three mums had a physical fight in the school playground - they were all banned apart from front reception)

not long left of primary and she can have a fresh start.