Another mum screaming at my child?

[JC94]

Oh I desperately need an outsiders opinion please!

Daughter is 10 and in year 6. The environment between her and her friends at school has become pretty toxic in the last few months and I’ve tried so hard to advise on my side and keep the school informed - school have been great so far!

I get a call today to say my daughter, who usually doesn’t say boo to a ghost, got into a fight with another girl. This other girl has previously stolen from my daughter and slapped her a couple of months ago (toxic environment example!). I’ve only ever told my kids that physical force is only acceptable if you’re in danger and it is your only means of safety and I know my daughter wasn’t innocent in what happened today. I’m disappointed in her behaviour and there will be consequences. She could have walked away, she chose not to. By all accounts, my daughter was picked up off the floor by two boys whilst some other girls then started fighting the other girl.

My daughter leaves school by herself and comes to meet me or her dad at the car less than a 2-3 minute walk away. She has a phone to call us whilst she walks. Today, she called her dad hysterically sobbing because the mum pulled her to the side in the playground at the end of the day and screamed in her face “are you the bitch who beat up my daughter?”. Apparently there was more she said but her dad wasn’t sure of the exact wording to tell me (we’re separated) so he’s getting my daughter to write it down when she’s calmer. My daughter is now anxiety riddled and petrified to go to school on Monday. She suffered with anxiety during Covid and we worked with the Children’s Mental Health service to try and get back on track.

I’ve notified the school who have asked my daughter to write it all down and email it over the weekend ready for Monday morning. I will obviously walk her to school and collect her from the playground next week and she has to report directly to a member of staff. Now I understand a mum who is upset because her daughter has been hurt, I’ve been in her shoes, but screaming in a 10 year olds face until they’re sobbing can’t be okay - can it? I was absolutely livid when I found out.

Am I being unreasonable to escalate this with the school as I have done considering everything that’s happened? Someone has mentioned that it’s a “consequence for fighting” but I really don’t see it that way when the school were dealing with the fight? Would really appreciate an outsiders perspective… how would you feel?

“are you the bitch who beat up my daughter?”.

Police. Immediately and without any hesitation.

Also the school of course.

2 primary school kids having a fight is not a huge deal, it's not great but school can deal with that. An adult getting in the face of a little kid is an unacceptable escalation.

Of course not letting the poor kid alone on the school run until the summer!

I'd remove her from the school so she can start fresh.
No child should be treated like that.

Sounds like the parents have too, to be honest. They all sound very dysfunctional

Sounds like the parents have too, to be honest. They all sound very dysfunctional

If she's only got 2 weeks of year 6 left I wouldn't want to send her back in at all. It sounds like the situation with the girls is out of control and given that's she's starting a new school in September what's the point in trying to resolve things now?

I wouldn't just escalate to school, I'd inform their police liaison officer. That's assault. She's had a go at a minor, in a playground with presumably witnesses. No wonder her daughter is such a delight of that's the mothers behaviour.

School needs to immediately ban her from the playground and tell her to attend to collect at the office at a time when others have left safely.

We had similar with DD, friendship group was lovely, one mum took against me as she was PTA and I was asked to run it (I turned them down, she didn't know this) and she got the arse she wasn't asked. She decided to ban our children from being friends, both ignored her so she retaliated by shouting abuse in my (at the time) 8 years old face. I involved police as school were slow to react (she was a name in the village) and they told school to ban her from all pick up and drop off, she used to have to wait until 3.45 to collect and she was not allowed on school grounds without permission, at which point she was with a member of staff.

Do not retaliate to the woman, however much you'd like to. Make sure you have your phone ready to film if she starts again on Monday.

As someone whose child has enough of bullies evening and also ended up slapping one, I wouldn't come down too hard on your DD. It's self defence and everyone has their limits.

I think I would do whatever I had to do to move away. All sounds rough as hell - 10 year olds fighting and adults shouting abuse at other peoples children. Grim Vicki Pollard type behaviour.

How has the school been great so far?

How is it even possible for her to be slapped in the face or get in to a fight? Where are the adults? The school has not been great. It has enabled an environment where the behaviour of children can escalate to physical violence.

The bar is far too low here.

The screaming mum was BU of course but that's really not the crux of the issue!

I would not send my child back there.

On Monday morning, I'd be waiting for the bitch who screamed in my daughter face.

I'm absolutely not recommending this plan of action and there are PPs who have much better advice, but I wouldn't be able to help myself unless my daughter asked me not to.

That’s what happened in DS’s primary where the mother of another child made one of DS’s friends cry in the playground — school clamped down, banned the mother from school premises and attending school events. (It wasn’t a one off.)

On the other hand, I’d be very concerned that your daughter is in a primary school environment where physical fights seem to be frequent.

This happened to my son. He and another boy were messing about throwing their bookbags int h3 air in the way home and my sons accidentally hit the other child in the face. They were 10. The other child's father saw it happen and shouted and chased my child across a busy road in front of traffic as he was so livid (think he thought it was malicious?!) Another parent intervened and reported it and the parent was banned from accessing the school property. You need to report this to the school ASAP and perhaps the police too.

Agree. Safeguarding should be raised. Otherwise, the other mum who screamed at your daughter will do the same again next time.

The other mother was completely out of order and if that's an example of her role modelling its no surprise her daughter was fighting.

But I don't think this sort of toxic and aggressive behaviour is normal in primary school and speaks to amuch bigger issue.

I think you need to be prepared that your daughter is not an innocent victim in this and may be more involved and at fault than you think.....but also I doubt any of the other parents will acknowledge their children's contribution so don't get railroaded.

It sounds to me that she has been pushed to breaking point, bless her. I would definitely report to the police asap.

Oh dear! There’s a mum who will be in a LOT of trouble - possibly with police.
stay calm, write it all down, take the higher ground

It would be an act of God that stopped me screaming in that 'mothers' face on Monday morning. What an absolute bitch.

I mean, follow the advice of all of the professional moms above me but personally I wouldn't let that stand but I'm only now realizing that I'm rare when everyone else is suggesting calm actions.

Then you become a sweary rough fishwife type too. Hopefully this won’t be in front of your mortified frightened child.

There's nothing wrong with being sweary and the HUGE difference is that it would be yelling at an adult who deserves it and not a 10 year old.

And yes. Obviously not in front of my child.

there is a lot of wrong actually. Screaming into someone's face will make you lose all higher ground and bring you back to her level.

It's entirely up to you, but it's different scenario if you are the victim of some sweary individual or if it's a spat between 2 equally bad and rough individuals.

What exactly do you think yelling would achieve?

JuliesName most people would really want to scream at the other mum but realise it won’t actually help.

I’ve been in a similar situation although the parent didn’t scream at my child they did approach them in the playground. I had a scared son who didn’t want to go back into school and be in the playground at the start and the end of the day. My son told me once we had got home and we went straight back into school and spoke to his class teacher as the Head was out. School dealt with it seriously, first instance but parent was called into school to explain themselves and told not to do it. A letter was sent out to all parents stating that any issues should be raised with the school and parents were not to approach other children in the playground.

I was so angry, it was just another stunt that these parents had pulled, I really wanted to let rip at them and tell the, what assholes they were but it wouldn’t have made any difference to them. I just raised it with school and let them deal with it. It completely undermines your credibility, the school potentially see each side as equally culpable and you don’t get the outcome that you want.

Behaviour in primary schools has deteriorated a lot, this thing isn't as unusual as it would've been when we were kids. A friend of mine is a primary teacher and some of the things she tells me is shocking re kids behaviour these days.

As a teacher myself I’d 100% call 101 and log a police report. School hands are very much tied with behaviour of parents - we’ve had parents who we have banned from the premises for similar behaviour (shouting at other children, fighting among themselves) but they then tend to just lurk around outside the gate which is on a public road. All we are empowered to do in that situation is call the police ourselves and report a breach of the peace. She also might take a visit from the police more seriously than a talking to from the head teacher. In regards to the children, hopefully the school comes down hard on all the fighting and toxic behaviour, especially violence which is completely unacceptable on both sides. Girls at that age are often seriously unkind to one another though and often just need the fresh start that secondary gives.

I got to this bit -

'slapped her a couple of months ago'

and wondered why kind of a parent would you be to send your child into that school after she had been physically assaulted?

Don't be ridiculous. Any normal parent would.

No one is saying it's acceptable, or that they would let it go, but a 10 year old slapping another 10 year old is just that.

It's not the victim who should have to change school for a start, it's the bully who needs to face consequences.

Phone the police. It’s a public order offence. The school sounds awful and they don’t appear to have any control. 2 weeks left of school. Is she bothered about the Y6 activites that will be happening? If not, pull her out and look forward to a fresh start at secondary.