Thinking about leaving DP

[Moonpie6]

I've just had enough. I'm bossy so I've been told. I do nag him to pick his clothes up off the floor or to do the dishes after himself, take the bins out etc.

I do all aspects of our home life from painting and decorating to paying the bills. I'm resentful over it as I don't have any energy left to see my friends or go get my hair done. I'm on the go daily from 7ish am to 9ish pm.

I don't get any I love you or affection. Doesn't ask about my day. When we argue he never apologises and laughs.

Tonight I asked him to take the bin out and he flipped out as he had just done a 13 hour day and wanted to watch the football. I asked him to pause it to take the bin. He said no and took a packet of crisp from the cupboard.

When he sat down I took the crisp from him saying I paid for them (we do joke in this sort of way like I hide his PlayStation remote control or when he's lieing down on the couch I will take his socks off if his feet are on me.) He said it was bad mannered so I gave them him back he then proceeded to scream at me "f..King take them then" and flung them across the room.

He does lose his temper like this when pushed to the point of no return (he's usually very laid back) and I just can't justify living here anymore. I'm not happy and we argue alot. I don't want to have my gorgeous cat in a war zone and I think we woke the baby up next door who is now crying. My DP said I did anyway.

It sounds like you’re just not right for each other anymore. Honestly, myself and my husband work 40 hours a week, have three kids under 12 and we don’t spend hours a day cleaning. It sounds like you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.

Kick him out the house. I'm presuming it's your house? Give him a month to find alternative accomodation. If he works 13 hrs a day he won't struggle to afford a room in a flat share at the very least?
He's not contributing to your house, to your life. There's no point carrying on.

Its both our house. In fact he paid the deposit in full.

Someone asked why 3 dishes per day. He is here before work so he leaves his lunch dishes or tea dishes for me to me. I have breakfast and lunch or tea. I have the cat bowls which I change every time she eats. All his protein shakes.

Also I didn't mean he was personally dirty. I mean how he is round the house. Toothpaste everywhere in bathroom, greasy pans not washed with fat all over the hob from bacon he has before work, beard hair.

Doesn't matter now anyway. I'm leaving. Moving back to my parents with my cat.

seriously Op no matter what happens with your DP - buy a dishwasher.

@Moonpie6 good. I'm glad you're moving.
He doesn't deserve you.
You and your lovely cat will be better off away from him.

Good for you. The fat splashing I'm guessing is caused by frying meat, eggs and all the other proteins he consumes because his body is a temple. Creatine and other shakes, used to drive me nuts.

@Moonpie6

Doesn't matter now anyway. I'm leaving. Moving back to my parents with my cat.

Good! I'm so glad you have a plan. I know you'll be so much happier within yourself. And the cat, too!

Not sure what your timetable is, but do find time to talk to a solicitor about the house. Take any paperwork there is, especially if there's paperwork regarding him making the whole down payment. As it's in both names either of you could buy the other out or it could be sold and the proceeds split. You want to get advice so you make the best decision for yourself and your future.

I'm in the US and where I live, leaving a jointly owned home does NOT change your rights to the house, nor does it mean you forfeit it because you've 'abandoned' it. I'm sure it's similar in the UK so don't let him try to convince you otherwise. Again, get a solicitor's advice.

Oh come on @Moonpie6

He did a 13 hour shift, and you ask him to put the bin out.

Give the poor guy some peace. He's hardly been lazy.

You're sound way OTT extremely controlling.

Why couldn't you let him watch the gootball in peace?

Find someone else with OCD that you'll be happy with, and leave this poor man alone.

How many of those hours are you at paid employment and how much is it you and your choosing to clean?

I work 9 hours per day. Usually spend lunch sorting laundry (get 30 mins) I finish at 6. Prepare and cook tea. Wash up. Then clean around the kitchen. Its just a long day.

He works 4 days on then 4 days off. I don't get any help on his 4 days off.

Wow. So you're cleaning for three hours every day. Has he ever explained why he's squirting toothpaste all over the wall?

Yeah that makes a lot of sense then! I have a similar schedule as someone who also WFH.

It’s outrageous that he doesn’t do any housework on his days off. It’s not about “helping” it’s about him doing his fair share.

And then he has the nerve to call you lazy? Why do you tolerate that? OP, from now on please order your shopping online! Even if you only have a week or two left living with him before you move out

If he dares to calls you lazy again tell him to go do the weekly shop on his 4 days off

Read all your replies OP and so glad you are leaving. There is so much more to life than being this man unpaid housekeeper. Please have the self respect to follow through. I can't believe he leaves his breakfast things for you to clean up!

I also don't think you love him like you say you do. You probably just feel really safe in the security of his familiarity. As shit as his behaviour is and the huge amount of extra work he creates for you. It is familiar and feels easier than summoning up the strength to build a new life separately from him.

Life is far easier for him with you doing everything for him, like his ironing?? WTF!

It's harder for you to leave but life will be so much easier for you once you are settled in your new home xx

I know. To be honest with you for the past few weeks I have started winding down. Like I have stopped cooking for him and I have been making him go the shop himself if he needs anything. I think this may have been why he flipped out over the Crisp. He feels hard done by.

I've also been telling him to use this washing machine himself if he asks for things to be washed and if there is a load already waiting for me to do in the morning for instance, I've told him to sort the stuff already in the machine before he does a new load. I'm not micro managing him now. He's an adult.

I told my sister and aunts last night I'm leaving. All supportive. Not told my mum yet though.

Don't get me wrong he is a lovely person really but I'm his mum.

I will stay single.

Just wanted to say that you sound like an awesome person and it warms my heart to hear how much you love your beautiful cat. Wishing you a happy future now that you aren't spending all your time cleaning up after him.

Single or not is fine, but maybe you'll find someone who appreciates you and will iron his own shirts.

I hope you get a fair share of the house too op. Let us know how it goes.

Sounds like you have made your decision OP. Fair enough.

But your description of your working day with 14 hour slogs and endless chores makes me think WTF? What are all these chores that 2 people who are both working FT generate? How much mess can there actually be?

Your DP did a 13 hour shift and just wanted to watch the football and you're banging on about the bloody bin, ordering him about and then confiscating his crisps as you paid for them? You sound unhinged. Take the bin out yourself if you're that bothered.

If a man did that, posters would tear him a new arsehole and call him abusive.

I'm with your DP here.

OP, I’m so glad to hear your family have been supportive of you leaving him. But even if they weren’t - it’s your decision anyway.

enjoy your new single life and well done resolving not to put up with this any longer.

He can now do his own laundry, clean and cook his own meals!

I'm with your DP here.

Really? Did you read all OPs posts?

OP had explained more than once what her 12+ hour days consist of:

work 9 hours per day. Usually spend lunch sorting laundry (get 30 mins) I finish at 6. Prepare and cook tea. Wash up. Then clean around the kitchen. Its just a long day.

Her partner doesn’t do the food shopping himself but calls her lazy if she orders online despite the fact she has an issue with carrying bags caused by a weaker arm .
He works 4 days on and 4 days off but doesn’t contribute to his half of the housework on his 4 days off. He also expects OP to do his laundry.

There’s no point taking just one scenario out of context - this is clearly about far more than a packet of crisps or interrupting the Euros. That exchange was more of a symptom of a wider problem which is the poor state of their relationship and OP feeling like she’s turned into his mum as a result of him not pitching in with things at home - despite the fact they both work.

For whatever reason this will not let me quote the username.

As explained I took the Crisp as a joke. Like we do stuff to irritate the other person in a jokey way. Like in the morning when hes cleaning his teeth i will switch the bathroom light on.

He will come up behind me when I'm doing the dishes to tickle me. I will hide his PlayStation controller. They're all just weird little things we do round the house. Or if he's just getting up I will pick the cat up and put her on him as she is very sassy and vocal and will screech at him to get up.

Most of my time is keeping up with the laundry, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen/dishes/hob/sink. Also, hoovering floors and sofas as my cat sheds like you wouldn't believe.

He does change our bedding as I can't lift the mattress and struggle with the duvet due to my arm.

Thank you xxx