Thinking about leaving DP

[Moonpie6]

I've just had enough. I'm bossy so I've been told. I do nag him to pick his clothes up off the floor or to do the dishes after himself, take the bins out etc.

I do all aspects of our home life from painting and decorating to paying the bills. I'm resentful over it as I don't have any energy left to see my friends or go get my hair done. I'm on the go daily from 7ish am to 9ish pm.

I don't get any I love you or affection. Doesn't ask about my day. When we argue he never apologises and laughs.

Tonight I asked him to take the bin out and he flipped out as he had just done a 13 hour day and wanted to watch the football. I asked him to pause it to take the bin. He said no and took a packet of crisp from the cupboard.

When he sat down I took the crisp from him saying I paid for them (we do joke in this sort of way like I hide his PlayStation remote control or when he's lieing down on the couch I will take his socks off if his feet are on me.) He said it was bad mannered so I gave them him back he then proceeded to scream at me "f..King take them then" and flung them across the room.

He does lose his temper like this when pushed to the point of no return (he's usually very laid back) and I just can't justify living here anymore. I'm not happy and we argue alot. I don't want to have my gorgeous cat in a war zone and I think we woke the baby up next door who is now crying. My DP said I did anyway.

My Mum says this. But he is like a slob and I do have OCD.

am also wondering this

It’s your problem you have OCD not his!

You're too different to work as a couple, you need to accept it's over.

Well my friends daughter has this issue husband is a police officer. Works three twelve hour shifts and is a bear on those days. But he gets days off and he thinks that's his time.

Things are very fraught, with the grandparents picking up the slack to keep the peace. Doing the school runs after school clubs, the gardening, DIY, so he has his free time.

It's wearing a bit thin to be honest.

This.

I work 12 hour days 6 days a week doing all chores, my job etc.

My days off centre around domestic stuff.

He won't even help me with the food shopping so I go alone. Then have to struggle with the bags an my arm.

I keep looking at my cat and feel so guilty. He's now asleep and is up at 5am for work

Wow, clever cat. What job does he do?

Get your shopping delivered!

Sounds like you don't really like each other

I don't like him.

I can't. He moans and calls me lazy

@Moonpie6

If you're not happy (and it sounds as if you're not) then end the relationship. You need no more reason than "this isn't working for me".

Do you have the financial means to walk away now or a place to stay temporarily whilst you 'regroup' and find a permanent place to live? You say 'DP' rather than 'DH' so assume you aren't married, which makes it pretty easy as long as there are no financial entanglements.

I don't have anywhere to go without it turning into some massive drama with my family particularly my mum.

We own a house and joint bank account.

Sometimes drama is worth it, but only you would be able to judge that.

Accounts can be split and houses can be sold or he could buy you out.

Just some things to think about. Because the alternative is living the next, IDK, 20/30/40 years of your life being unhappy. I'd say some drama and hassle might be worth to change that into a calm and peaceful future.

I can't. He moans and calls me lazy

He moans. You nag him. It's not good.

So what would he do if you ordered shopping for home delivery?

Is he abusive? Because of not, he can moan till the cows come home..it shouldn't stop you.

From what you've said, you can stand up for yourself. If you couldn't, you wouldn't be on at him to pick up his clothes or take the bin out.

You're an adult. Do what you need to do with grocery shopping. He's not your boss.

You say you're working 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week. So you have just 1 day off a week?

I'm not being funny, but since pp are questioning you, so much more has come out.
You didn't say this in the first place, which would have been relevant. All of a sudden, he was already at the bin when you asked him.

I'm sorry, but it sounds too convenient, to paint him in a negative light and you in a positive one.

You said you don't get time for your hair or to see friends on your days off...well, with just one day off a week, I'd think you would be resting on that day.

If you're working all that time,. Why is the place getting so messy.

At the end of the day, if you don't want to be with him, then start getting your ducks in a row to leave.

What was it that attracted you to him in the first place?

It sounds like (amongst other things) there are high levels of criticism in the relationship. If you want to give it one last shot, have you tried couples therapy?

I went with my partner and realised so much about our interactions (and my role in them!). It really did help

I get he works harder.

In truth? Doesn't sound like it from your description further on. But the fact you're using this language shows you've already bought into the way he devalues you. Hrs destroying your sense of self-worth, little by little.

You've been together for a long time, was it always like this? If you still love him I would try couples' therapy.

When I come home after a long shift, I don't want to do anything either, but presumably the bin collection is a regular scheduled thing since the council picks them up on the same day? If so, he knew it had to be done that day.

Don't Worry about what your mother or anyone else will think, do what makes you happy and gives you peace.

Additionally, working 6 days a week 12 hrs/day it's a lot, perhaps you're burnt out. I definitely would. I did for some time and it was too much, now I only work 5 days a week... Working that much it's very stressful and doesn't give you much free time.

I meant in the house with cleaning etc. I usually don't do anything on a Sunday.

So lucky you don't have children and because of that you can leave without having to work it out. It's not worth the stress you both are unhappy. It's sad but for the best

Yeuch. A man who wants a servant for a wife, and who does nothing.

You don’t have kids and you spend 12 hours on a Saturday cleaning? As well as several hours each day during the week doing chores? I also don’t get the food shop thing, you’re happy enough to demand that he takes the bins out and confront him when he says no but you will back down to him “‘moaning” about getting a food shop delivered? Something doesn’t add up. Either way it sounds like neither of you are happy so just split up. Who cares what your mum says, you don’t need her permission, you’re not 12. If she kicks off just disengage and don’t talk to her about it. It’s none of her business.

It’s done it’s over - leave him. I’d suggest you get online deliveries though 🚚 no reason for you to struggle home with bags if you have issues with one of your arms

It sounds like you've both fallen out of love and you should move on

Get your shopping delivered op - don't make life more difficult

That’s bizarre -unfortunately I think you’re being a bit of a martyr here. If you’re the one who is expected to the shopping you do it in a way that suits you. That’s just common sense.

It would be like someone moaning if you used a dishwasher but then leaving you to wash the dishes by hand at the sink.

Do you think that makes sense to let someone dictate to you how you do your household duties without lifting a finger?

You need to take some responsibility for this. But anyway you don’t like him so it’s obviously over. You don’t need to justify to anyone why you’re leaving him

I don’t know why your mum would care anyway, he doesn’t seem a great guy and there are no kids involved so that’s all a bit strange.