Lying husband help

[Laylaleela]

Hi everyone.
Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I really wasn't sure where to put it.

For many many reasons, my marriage has been struggling for a while and my husband has become more and more emotionally abusive and shady and just horrible.

He recently took my bank card from me (I use his account normally as I am a sahm) and told me he'd transfer me £500 for the month. He said he wanted to save.

In March my dad kindly offered to lend us money to buy a car as ours had been written off. The agreement was once we received the settlement from the insurance company we would pay him that amount back, then the rest over time in installments. My husband agreed to this.

We received the money from the insurance whilst he was away with work. He said he'd pay it back once he was home in about a month.

when he returned he told me I'd spent half the money (I knew I hadnt) so only transferred half to my dad. He was adamant it was me.

I haven't looked through the online baking before, I'm ashamed to say but I just thought I'd have a look.

He has been transferring hundreds of pounds to a separate account which I have no access to. He's been doing this for months but suddenly upped the amount when we had the money from the car in there.

I can't believe he did it. I can't believe he had the audacity to do it in secret, lie and blame me for it.

I'm a fool for not checking the account sooner but I just trusted him and didn't think to.

I want to leave. This is one step too far and I am done 100%.

What do I do from here?

I don't suppose I have any rights to that money now he's sneaked it off. My poor dad now is out of pocket because of this ass.

Thank you for this

I'm honestly just more bothered and upset about the lying and hiding and expecting me to live on a budget than getting to the money. Me and the kids don't deserve nice things whilst he can buy himself new stuff constantly.
It's just horrible

He knows I've been on the account
He's said "oh so you figured how to use online banking then"
He obviously saw that someone had logged on.

Could he have another child? I know that is a long shot but that was my first thought. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Devils advocate , could it be someone pregnant / new baby ? Expensive and need things !

Just to let you know, from a bank perspective, "giving permission" means setting up a third party authority on the account, not just him giving you a card to use. If the card has your name on it, then there is a TPA. If it doesn't, then although you clearly have a moral argument for using it, the bank would consider this that either a) he's intentionally not been careful with his details, and therefore any fraud issues he raises could be dismissed because he has a history of sharing his personal details, b) fraud on your behalf - but of course he'd have to declare that he never allowed you to use his card and you took it and used it without permission.

With my ex it was someone he was working with whilst deployed. So same regiment but different units back home. Their deployment ended within a few weeks of each other and she had requested to move to our base when she returned to UK. I found out that the majority of them there (it was Falklands) were cheating on partners, for some it was just something to do whilst deployed, for others they carried it on when returning back to their bases in the UK. This might not be the case with your husband, but affairs are rife within the military and your situation just sounded very similar to mine.

He's a lying scumbag. Definitely speak to a solicitor. And contact women's aid. He's financially abusing you.
You need to find out what benefits you're entitled now as a separated woman and start claiming straight away. Can you stay with a mate or family member for the time being, with the kids?

Are there any references on the transfers out? Also wondering if the Amazon payments could be for an Amazon credit card, rather than buying stuff from a separate account? Could you do a credit check for him? Probs not allowed but wouldn't stop me at this point.

Log in and get all the information you can before he changes the passwords and locks you out

Thanks everyone
I just tried to log in again and he's changed the passwords.
I mean, if that's not dodgy...
Luckily I sent statements up to about 5 months ago to my email.

So sketchy

That's horrible. What a scumbag. Sorry you had to go through that.
It could be possible but I don't know how I'd find out.
I don't know his pass code for his phone.
Actually it was always the same until he got back from being away. He said he'd changed it for security out there...oh I never thought much of it until now.
I wanted to borrow it because mine had rsn out of battery and he put in the code himself when I tried and it didn't work. So he didn't tell me what it was...
Oh I really want to check his phone. Ffs

Oh my.
That would be mental.
I guess anything is possible. But wasn't normal until he got back from deployment so I wouldn't have thought he'd have one already.
Oh god

What a mess. Hope you get it sorted and find peace.

Firstly op, sending hugs. What a twat your husbsnd is.

Secondly, dont let on anything else...he is already suss as he has changed passwords. Dodgy AF, he is up to something.

Legal advise asap. Let your family know. Report to his employer for financial abuse. Get evidence.

Stay strong and look out for you and your kids only going forward. X

He just stole my phone off me and shut himself away looking through it.hes seen I've been screenshotting things.
He's so angry.
He's telling me I am the one who can't be trusted because I'm going behind his back.
He's saying he's saving for a car
He's trying to justify everything. Told me he told me he'd be saving.
Saying I screenshotted his bank statements and it's illegal.
He doesn'ttrust me.
He's making me feel like I'm wrong.

You’re not wrong—he’s gaslighting you. He stole your father’s money. Did you backup the screenshots somewhere? Has he deleted them? Are you safe?

He’s panicking because he knows that you logged in to online banking. He wants to know what you’ve seen.

Why the secret Amazon account then?

If he’s so transparent about saving, why has he changed the bank login details now that you’ve logged in?

Have you saved the bank statements etc somewhere he won't find them on your phone? He will be deleting any evidence that's for sure.
What did you tell your dad when you didn't repay him the full amount? Stay safe but he needs reporting to whoever it is you report to in the Army. I believe they take domestic abuse very seriously?

You are not wrong, he is a financially, lying abusive man. He is gaslighting you. Protect yourself now.
Get your phone back, if deletes anything, it can be retrieved. Keep everything private and safe from now on. This man cannot be trusted.

He deleted all the screenshots but I've already sent the statements to my email which he didn't see.

He always does this. Makes me feel it's my fault. He's right. I feel guilty and wrong.

He gaslighting you.

Boot the piece of 💩 out the house or move out, with the kids and get on the divorce paperwork because this isn't getting better.

He's a controlling, manipulative abuser and you need out.

He's saying he doesn't even have a clue what the amazon payments are.
Says he told me about the account and that he was saving. I don't remember this.
Also saying he told me about the other account because he wanted to save. I don't remember this.
But changed from saving for a car to saving to go to America on a work trip in October (he is but surely work would pay and even if he wanted spending money there would he should tell me about it surely)
Also he showed me the account which has 600 in. He transferred well over 1000 so where is the money.

I'm worried I've got it wrong and I'm jumping to conclusions and am being really out if order.

But my gut tells me it's dodgy and it doesn't add up really.

Please reach out to military family services.
You are being abused by this man.

You haven’t got it wrong, OP. He’s gaslighting you.
£400+ is missing.
He stole your father’s money.
He has a secret Amazon account.
He changed the bank passwords.
He deleted your bank screenshots.
His work will fund his trips abroad + food, etc.

Your gut is not wrong.