Lying husband help

[Laylaleela]

Hi everyone.
Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I really wasn't sure where to put it.

For many many reasons, my marriage has been struggling for a while and my husband has become more and more emotionally abusive and shady and just horrible.

He recently took my bank card from me (I use his account normally as I am a sahm) and told me he'd transfer me £500 for the month. He said he wanted to save.

In March my dad kindly offered to lend us money to buy a car as ours had been written off. The agreement was once we received the settlement from the insurance company we would pay him that amount back, then the rest over time in installments. My husband agreed to this.

We received the money from the insurance whilst he was away with work. He said he'd pay it back once he was home in about a month.

when he returned he told me I'd spent half the money (I knew I hadnt) so only transferred half to my dad. He was adamant it was me.

I haven't looked through the online baking before, I'm ashamed to say but I just thought I'd have a look.

He has been transferring hundreds of pounds to a separate account which I have no access to. He's been doing this for months but suddenly upped the amount when we had the money from the car in there.

I can't believe he did it. I can't believe he had the audacity to do it in secret, lie and blame me for it.

I'm a fool for not checking the account sooner but I just trusted him and didn't think to.

I want to leave. This is one step too far and I am done 100%.

What do I do from here?

I don't suppose I have any rights to that money now he's sneaked it off. My poor dad now is out of pocket because of this ass.

Okay. Thank you

Can you get access to his other bank accounts?
Get proof of his income.
Make notes of things he is doing IE limiting finances for you as proof for divorce/evidence of financial abuse.
Get important paperwork out of the house/get copies of other things like house ownership etc.
Small claims court for your dad to get the money back for the car from your husband.

Gently, just trying to establish the level here, if you only have £2500 coming in, do you have no rent or mortgage coming out of that? Does he pay all the council tax, utilities, TV, broadband etc out of that?

are you the policy holder though? Is it your email/phone number on the policy?

just trying to say if in his name and you’re only a named driver he could cancel it without you even knowing.

We live on a military house so rent is very cheap and comes out his wage.
So 2500ish after rent has come out.
He pays the other bills out of that amount.

Yes I'm the policy holder. I have all documents for the insurance. He just paid for it.
It's in my name. He is a named driver

Thank you.
No access to other accounts. One I didn't even know he had. The other I knew he had as a savings account but I can't access them

Is your Dad brave enough to contact him and demand the money back.

Is there a support scheme for military spouses?

What do you think he is up to op? You’ve got the benefit of knowledge as to how he is acting.

What’s your gut telling you?

Not a clue what he's doing with the money

Ah, my first (very short lived) marriage was in married quarters too.

Rent is indeed cheap. So we're looking at £2.5k a month after rent.

Council tax. Gas. Electric. Water. Contents insurance. Car insurance. Car tax. Fuel. TV package, Netflix, Prime. Broadband. Phones. Household stuff, furniture, repairs and maintenance.

As you've mentioned kids, plural, I'll guess 2. So then there's clothes, food, activities, days out, takeaways, clubs, for 4.

If you then get £500 allocated to you each month, is there really all that much left over for him to squirrel?

Could he be in debt? Or his mum?

Could he have borrowed off her or lent her money which she is repaying, definitely gather as much evidence as you can. Do you have access to any emails etc?

I think the solicitor is the best starting off point, but be sure to mention financial abuse.

Is there any support directly from the military if he is leaving you short of money?
Particularly concerning about his actions if he is deployed......

1700ish transferred to one account
2500ish transferred to another
Plus spending hundreds on things for himself when I never buy myself anything.
Taking my dad's money and moving it and saying I spent it.
He's managed to do it.
It might not be insane amounts but we don't have spare money to do this. And what is it for and why not tell me about it?
And like I said I don't know why his mum keeps giving him money that I don't know about and we're not seeing that.
He shouldn't be telling me to live on a budget (which I do anyway) when he is spending hundreds on clothes and things for himself and transferring money into secret savings.

He's recently returned from deployment but began transferring money when he was away. Really went for it once we had the money in from my dad.
Yes there is support. I'll try and speak to someone.

Surely if you left with the card he would just declare it lost anyway or transfer any money into that account to one of the others he has.

As others have said I would go back and screen shot as far back as you can on bank statements. Even better if you can print them out, easier to highlight transfers, big purchases for himself to demonstrate financial abuse.

Also, get hold of any paperwork relating to any other assets you might have together. Take passports, any important documents etc.

Essentially the most important thing is leaving and seeing a solicitor. He’s behaving this way because he thinks he can get away with it, you need to show him that he can’t. Anything he has is half yours if you divorce, possibly even spousal maintenance and a settlement on his pension etc since you are reliant on him financially as a stay at home mum.

I have no idea. Wouldn't have thought any debts but I suppose it's possible. Not sure what though
His mum is quite well off but weird to suddenly be giving him all this money in little installments. I don't understand it at all. He's always saying we barely have enough but when I looked at the statements he'd spent around 100 on one item for himself several times just last month. Plus the transfers.
It's so selfish. He literally comments when the food shop is slightly high. That money could go on stuff for the kids. Or even a joint savings. It's all so secretive and strange

Thank you.

Get the child benefit paid into your own bank account to start with.
See a solicitor
Make plans to leave

Should I confront him about it or not mention anything.

If you can manage to stay quiet, do. Possibly safer that way.

This.

Don't give him a heads up to start hiding anything else or inventing cover stories

Definitely stay quiet until you've spoken to a solicitor.

If he gets wind that you're checking up on him, he'll probably change passwords and cut your access completely, make sure you get hold of any piece of evidence that you can while you have access.

I know you said one account was a savings account, is the other in his name too?

Send backups of your screenshots to several different emails - make a new account and possibly also mail to a friend or your dad.

Military is different so ignore advice that doesn’t come with this experience.

They WILL take action and not allow you to be left short. They’ll house you (he will be made to leave) for 3 months, they’ll also pay full moving costs and there is a charity where they’ll pay your first month rent and bond too.

And there’s no scenario whatsoever that you run the risk of being left without the ability to feed yourself - they’d give you money and deduct from his wages and he wouldn’t be given an option.

Get yourself to welfare urgently.