Lying husband help

[Laylaleela]

Hi everyone.
Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I really wasn't sure where to put it.

For many many reasons, my marriage has been struggling for a while and my husband has become more and more emotionally abusive and shady and just horrible.

He recently took my bank card from me (I use his account normally as I am a sahm) and told me he'd transfer me £500 for the month. He said he wanted to save.

In March my dad kindly offered to lend us money to buy a car as ours had been written off. The agreement was once we received the settlement from the insurance company we would pay him that amount back, then the rest over time in installments. My husband agreed to this.

We received the money from the insurance whilst he was away with work. He said he'd pay it back once he was home in about a month.

when he returned he told me I'd spent half the money (I knew I hadnt) so only transferred half to my dad. He was adamant it was me.

I haven't looked through the online baking before, I'm ashamed to say but I just thought I'd have a look.

He has been transferring hundreds of pounds to a separate account which I have no access to. He's been doing this for months but suddenly upped the amount when we had the money from the car in there.

I can't believe he did it. I can't believe he had the audacity to do it in secret, lie and blame me for it.

I'm a fool for not checking the account sooner but I just trusted him and didn't think to.

I want to leave. This is one step too far and I am done 100%.

What do I do from here?

I don't suppose I have any rights to that money now he's sneaked it off. My poor dad now is out of pocket because of this ass.

@Laylaleela go onto his bank and in his payees list you will see the names of the banks with the accounts sort codes and account numbers. make a note of them and then go onto his account and run through all the items. you can find out how much he has squirrelled away just by doing that. you will need those numbers because he will no doubt try to deny the accounts. remember accounts go back for seven years online!!

Do not confront
Do not tell him anything

Go to welfare
Get support and know your rights first
Get in a position where you can act safely

This is outrageous, OP, so glad you’re leaving him.

How long have you been together? Do you own any property together?

I’d start speaking to a solicitor about a divorce asap and talk about how he is hiding money.

Sorry, I have no idea about military life so this might sound crazy, Is there anyone you can speak to about his behaviour, like his superior?

Ask for a joint account, plan to return to work. Keep copies of everything

I would get a job asap and ask him for half the childcare. You need financial independence. Then leave.

He's controlling you with these small amounts of money and being selfish, so it isn't a healthy relationship. Planning for the future means you'll need to consider how you'll manage bills by yourself and working. Do you have your own bank account? Did you ever have a job? Your dad may be able to help, and citizens advice are great at explaining the basics. Worth coming up with a plan before going to the solicitor.

Can you see all the direct debits coming out of this account? As a PP has noted, with his salary and bills each month, it doesnt seem like there should be a huge amount of money to spend/transfer out, just wondering if he is in fact paying all the household bills?

Thanks everyone.
There's also weird stuff like I noticed loads of amazon payments had come out. Like £30/£40. Some very recently
I checked on our amazon account and there are no orders for that amount anywhere.
So it seems he has deleted the evidence (don't know if you can do that)
Or he's got another amazon account that I don't know about. We normally just share the one.
I know that isn't the main issue, it's just adding to the weird secrecy and what the hell is he up to?

Been together 8 years. Married for 7.
No properties together.
We've always lived in military houses.

I don't know.
I'm planning on speaking to SSAFA
They support military spouses with things like this I think.

Another woman or ?.
Get your thin gs in order

That will be a different Amazon account under a different email.

He’s leading some kind of secret life behind your back. OW? Addiction? Something else?

Do you have any bank accounts with your name on them? You mention that he confiscated the debit card—was it a card with his name on it, or was your name printed on the physical card? I’m concerned about financial abuse if you don’t have your own account, or at the very least, your name on a joint account.

Just added up all the direct debits and came to around 415.
He's only just taken the card off me this month and giving me 500.
So he also was moving much highter amounts once we had the money from the insurance company in there.
In June he transferred 1300 from into a separate account in one go
Plus hundreds into another account.

I hate to say it but have you considered another woman? I ask this as my situation a few years back was nearly identical to this. Military family, ex had been deployed for 6 months and started an affair with a 21yr old whilst away. He came back and began squirreling money. In my experience ssafa and welfare officer were not much help and all closed ranks to protect him. I'd advise you to get a solicitor who specialises in military divorces and pensions, also there is a Facebook group if you want to message me I can give you details of. It's a group of ex military wives going through divorce and it's really helpful to have that support and knowledge on your side.

I do have my own account which I've kept since I was working.
The child benefit goes in there at least so I have that aswell.
The card he took is his card for his account. I've always used it freely until now.

This. Get screenshot.
Lawyer asap

Thank so much.
Could be another woman. Where is she though?
He got back from deployment last month so where would he have met her?
Whilst away? I suppose it's possible. He has been mote horrid than normal since he's home back and never been weird and secretive like this before as far as I know.
Unless he knew we were having problems and was planning on leaving or thought I would leave so is trying to hide money.
Doesn't explain the weird secret amazon account and stuff though.

If he met her whilst away though she lives extremely far away so what would be the point?

If you seek support from his employers, you must make it clear that you are being financially abused. It's a crime.

See the solicitor. Say nothing to your husband. Gather as much evidence as you can. Horrible bastard, I hope he gets what's coming.

Take him off the car insurance. Then if he tries to take the car you can report him for no insurance..
I found out less about my dh's stitching up his family and filed for divorce the very next day.

If you don’t need it, sell the car!

Might be worth explaining what's been happening to your family. Ask them to stay quiet but maybe your dad could ask him when the money will be back for the other half of the lump sum?

I bet he's been spinning a tale to his mum to get money out of her too

You need to report his financial abuse to his employer.
Say nothing, but reach out for support from them.
Remove him from the car insurance.
Get as much proof as possible via screen shots and put a security code on your phone

Absolutely speak to the military about it. From my experience they take it very seriously. My sister had a similar issue and they sorted it, I'm not sure how, he was majorly abusive and they still did.

I normally advocate heading to divorce board and using link to ADVICE NOW . But you are being financially abused and possibly other abuse, so you need to talk to someone. People often mention women’s aid, and certainly a solicitor. Gathering evidence discreetly and quietly just now and getting that adivce is best re establishing abuse.

but do read the ADVICE NOW guide. As a wife you have rights under “fair settlement “ criteria for fancial settlement and you need to know which apply to you. That determines your settllemt and is ALWAYS based on future needs alone. . ALL his assets MUST Be declared in a legal financial declaration (forms E and D81). Lying on those is actually 2 crimes- fraud and contempt of court, and courts dont like contempt. So you need the proof if you believe he doesn’t fully declare. That declaration includes all assets- salary, pensions, savings, gifts, chatells. You both complete one.

ADVICE NOW takes you through processes, explains the law, and which bits you need solicitor for, which you don’t and when you might.

they also explain how to start divorce petition. You do NOT need a solicitor for that, it will take you an hour on line at most. You merely need a few docs like marriage cert. If you have no money for court costs (around £600 I think now) you can claim legal aid potentially. Either citizens advice or the ADVICE NOW guides explain how to apply.

be careful what you spend on solicitors- don’t use to ask about process, (read up yourself on line) or to mona, complain apr bare your sole to- they’ll happ
ily listen then charge you £3.50 plus for every single minute they do that, at £200 plus per hour. Tell the the exact tasks you need them to do. So you need to start reading up.

Definitely need the car!
He says he will give me more if I need it...
But still.