Once spent most of the past 3 years in bed, without anyone knowing…

[SinkingFeelingSoph]

Late 40s, one young child. After I’ve got DC off to school I have zero energy to clean or work or do anything really. I sort of zone out and often go back to bed. I then go get DC from school and function til their bedtime. Then I’m exhausted again.

Nobody knows. I’m a single parent and look presentable when out. But I’m barely living.

On antidepressants recently and feel
even more frozen. Tried HRT but even under the guidance of a well-respected professional, couldn’t get the dose right (suspected PMDD) and felt suicidal. Better off it and too scared to experiment again.

Hate the small town I live in. I need help but having talking therapy and telling the GP has done nothing.

I don’t know what to do. Feel I’m living in The Hours, or as an incapacitated retiree. I spent years in an abusive relationship and still need to deal with him. Sounds extreme but I feel I’m in some sort of prolonged PTSD

@Stripesandchecks543 goodness, that is so spot on. I’m totally unaligned and gone down the wrong path, and feel utterly out of control of my own life. My ex “placed” me for want of a better description, in a cheap, deprived part of the country where he had an house. I’d always lived and worked in a big city so have absolutely struggled with that - and unable to work making me dependent on him. Long story but I’m clearly too in freeze mode to properly sort it, as he becomes abusive if I try (it suits him to keep me like this).

Going from an affluent part of London in a nice house, to the opposite isn’t easy - plus all the health issues, I can see how I got here.

Thank you for the excellent insight. I must start with small steps. Volunteering. I do do some work but it’s from home, so not helping much

OP, hang on in there. Be kind to yourself.

One day you will start to feel more positive x I promise.

If you aren’t already I would try supplements of multivitamin, b12, iron and vit d and take them daily.

If you suspect adhd then a good place to start is a book called finally focused by Greenblatt. It talks about supplements which support adhd as well as some diet and life advice. It’s a bit American but really well researched.

Thank you for all the insightful and kind responses. I guess in the past when this happened to someone, the village or community would step in to help get that person back on track. I feel I am missing the group of aunts, cousins and great aunts, grandparents etc that used to be there in times of need (no family here), so a group of wise women on here is next best thing.

Just re-looked at bloods and they haven’t been done for almost two years actually - iron was only 10.8 (ferritin was as ok though) and vitamin D also low. Everything else pretty mid-range and vit B in 600s

How do I get a private assessment for ASD? I have tried previously but think I needed a GP referral?

Definite functional freeze going on, as PP said… I am all smiley and laughy to the outside, then just shutdown at home alone.

Im looking forward to holidays, I function much better with DC around and quite good at arranging fun things and little trips.

Am slightly worried that I won’t be able to cope with throwing DCs birthday in a couple of weeks, as my functioning is lower than before. Not sure if it’s the antidepressants.

As it could be and is probably due to so many different things, I don’t really know where to start… that’s the problem. Too overwhelmed to help myself find a way out.

Sorry for anyone also struggling 🌺

I’m like you OP in that I have very little energy. I’m diagnosed with Asperger’s, GAD and depression and I’m self diagnosed with inattentive adhd. I use the habit tracker app at the moment and I put every single chore and every self care habit on there. I also use it for affirmations or little nuggets of wisdom that I don’t want to forget. I skip a lot of things each day but mostly, things get done. You need to focus on one small job at a time and tick it off so that you don’t feel overwhelmed with everything else. Every item needs a home so it’s easy to tidy. Drawers and cupboards don’t need to be perfect in order for you to put things in them.

I have a few ND friends and we all have low energy/fibro type symptoms. We all have a history of abuse too. If you haven’t conquered that area of your life I’d suggest Dr Ramani on YouTube. You really do need to understand abuse and why you’ve allowed yourself to be abused. It will take a while!! Are you speaking to yourself in an unkind way? I haven’t managed to properly pick apart what causes my low energy but I do have more energy when I feel that life is moving forwards. Trouble is it’s a catch 22 because it’s hard to move forwards when you’re so exhausted.

Recently I decided to buy myself a camper van, which is something I’ve wanted to do for ages. I couldn’t get the validation I needed from anyone around me so I thought ‘Right, only I can make this decision and they can all bugger off’. Well, I suddenly had energy which lasted a couple of weeks!! Make of that what you will! I must say I’ve gone downhill again but I’m not as bad as I was. Anyway, sorry if that’s a useless anecdote but it was some sort of breakthrough for me even if I haven’t quite made sense of it.

Yes to the PP who sensed my house was a tip and source of shame. I do occasionally have a friend who is a cleaner come to help, she can see I’m depressed but has no idea to what extent I’m just existing.

I feel it’s such a waste of life, and I’m going to look back when I’m older and absolutely regret not “living” when I had the chance

Jumping back on to this thread because you've said a lot that I relate to as well. Suspected ADHD but feel too attention seeking to seek an appointment; followed children's dad to a part of the country that I absolutely hate, from a wonderful capital city that I loved. Now feel trapped and know will never be able to leave, at least not until DC are grown.

This won't apply if your problem is physical, of course, but in case it's more circumstances related (like I'm sure it is for me), here are some other things I've done that seem to have helped: make a real effort to arrange and meet up with friends, even if infrequently and briefly. Make an effort with how I look - I don't actually care much about clothes and appearance, but I've slowly been building a wardrobe that I like and that I feel good in. Psychologically being "put together" helps me face the world. This one isn't good but I started smoking as a way to push me through the day - like I smoke at set times, when I've done set tasks. I absolutely don't recommend smoking but maybe substitute with something better for you that would bring you some joy. Build time in the evening to just relax, no tasks, just whatever you feel like doing. This one is really weird and might not do anything for you, but I take 15 minutes to lie on my cold stone kitchen floor twice a day (after drop off and before pick up) and it sort of grounds me.

I'm also taking on board some of the tips here.

If this has only been the last three years presumably you were functioning as "normal" until then? Whatever the reasons, burnout, PMDD or a result of you being displaced getting some sort of activity back seems essential as laying around in bed is obviously not helping. Changing your GP seems like a good first step. Do you have any support nearby?

Trying to change a lot of things all at once will be too overwhelming.

I wrote a long letter to my GP listing all my traits and giving examples. In the end, they referred me without even seeing me and the autism centre said that the letter was very useful. It’s good to have it all written down so that you don’t forget or minimise things.

Yeah they can make you feel worse when you start on them sometimes

This is me too I’m 2 1/2 years free from a bad situation I function for the kids and work and study but other than that I’m laying down I think it’s because i finally have a safe space now x

Do you have a garden?
If you do, spend as much time as possible outside, even if asleep. You say you go to bed, get a sun bed and spend that time outside sleeping on that instead. Natural daylight is so important and you can't get enough of it.

May be controversial however I joined a church choir after a very traumatic event and it has helped me. I see the same (mainly women) every week. I have got to know some of them. I get invited to endless socials and the people are nice. Singing is good for you too.

I am not anti religion but I wouldn’t say I am a Christian. I think the community is a lifeline for many and could really increase wellbeing and decrease loneliness. This month alone I have 4 rehearsals. 2 gatherings for food at houses. 3 non service performances. 4 services I can sing at. Plus coffee mornings. Evensong. A church fete etc! It’s crazy busy. Then the other ladies do other community based choirs too. I can go to as much or as little as I want.

The peace and smell when entering the church for practice is lovely, I enjoy walking into the building and feel calm. The songs give you something to learn and some stick in your head for days!

Venlafaxine is the one that works for me.

I had tried sertraline, fluoxetine and citalopram - all of which made me feel worse not better.

There are 2 different strands of antidepressants - SSRIs and SNRIs which stabilise moods in different pharmaceutical ways. Don’t ask me how The 3 I tried that didn’t work are grouped with ssris I think, venlafaxine the other way.

Venlafaxine has some very gnarly side effects if you don’t take it routinely. My ADHD and antidepressants have had quite an ongoing battle!

Venlafaxine did also work for me actually. But it gave me a particular side effect I couldn’t cope with. Interestingly it’s used as off-label ADHD medication too

I have a terrible voice so not sure a choir is going to be my thing. Have considered a coffee morning at a local church so thank you

I've had similar difficulties with antidepressants. Low dose aripiprazole (an antipsychotic) worked absolute miracles for my depression and (then undiagnosed) ADHD. I was full of energy, life, motivation and productivity. I think I got more done in those couple of months than in the almost 10 years since. Interestingly, at low doses it's been found to have a dopamine-stabilising effect. I had to come off it because I started to experience a debilitating side effect. The depression stayed away but all of the ADHD symptoms came back, I was gutted. I've never found anything like it since.

Dear OP,

I had a few years just like that. Awful. Felt such shame about them. They were linked to a sort of dark triad: perimenopause, depression and vitamin and mineral deficiencies. I already had them, but then had appalling post-viral fatigue and they got worse and worse. No idea what came first but I had to work on all of them.

Did you have Covid? Could it be long Covid or other post-viral fatigue?

If you haven't already, I'd get hold of some herbal iron capsules like Floradix (expensive or feroglobin (similar but slightly cheaper.) Also please get some Vitamin D spray. D-deficiency is very common and its key symptom is acute sleepiness. If either of these are the problem, you should start to feel a fair bit better within a few days. Also take Vit B complex tablets. They are cheap. B-deficiency is very common in people with depression.In total, they should come to about £20-25. It may seem like a lot of money, if you are a single parent with no job, but I'd live on value beans for a week to buy these and try them.
You could ask the GP for blood tests but NHS ideas of suitable levels are not always in line with optimal health. They might say you're fine but you might still see a big difference.

In terms of doing stuff - I started very small. Try Flylady's 5-minute tidy ups. They are unbelievably powerful. In 5 mins you can open windows, make a bed, put dirty washing in the machine, and the bedroom looks half-way presentable. In the kitchen you can put all dishes in the sink in hot soapy water, or in the dishwasher if you have one, chuck out any junk mails, empty food and drink packaging, empty the bin, wipe the surfaces. In the bathroom, a quick polish of taps and mirrors, chuck out empty product bottles, straighten the towels and clean the loo with a loo brush. I can do each of these in 5 mins. I used to do 5 mins and rest for 55 then do another room for 5 mins and rest for 55 again. Do that even just 3 times a day and you will, over a week, have done 1 hr 45 mins of tidying or cleaning. That's better than none. And you'll probably find you do more than 3 x 5 mins a day once you get into it.

For good routines, Flylady's 'homeblessing' is just an hour - I did Saturday mornings. You just open windows, empty bins, change the beds and run a quick hoover around the bits of the floor you can actually see.

Another tip is:When you wake up, stick a washload on a quick cycle - better a quick wash than no wash.. Make DC's breakfast, walk them to school and when you come back, the cycle is done so you can hang the washing out while you have a cup of tea. Do that 3 times a week. On the other days, pick anther simple job - maybe put dishes to soak in very hot water, then when you get back from school, put on a song you love, loud as you can, quick wash, rinse and let them drain dry.

I have a LOAD of other things I did to get out of this sleeping-my-life away rut I was in. Most of them a lot more fun than this. PM me if you want and I'll share some.

I really feel for you. It can pass. Mine did. But I had to dedicate about 9 months to getting better.

Why did you have to come off it, if it was working so well? It sounds like a miracle drug. I want to try it!

I said in my post, because I started to experience a debilitating side effect.

Or do you mean specifically @Meadowwild? After a few weeks it gave me unbearable akathisia. I felt like my blood was full of ants trying to jump out of my skin. I persevered in the hope it would go away but it didn't. It's a thing with antipsychotics unfortunately, although I think most don't experience this with aripiprazole.

Have you trialled a different SNRI? might be worth a go - I’ve found it much better for fatigue.

@ElecticBetty the other one beginning with M apparently causes considerable weight gain, my GP said… still with the potential side effect I didn’t like. I was also tired on it but didn’t last very long in it to see if that went away. Buproprian was another drug I tried but it seems to increase the rage episodes

@Meadowwild thank you - that’s so helpful. It does feel like a perfect storm or the “dark triad” for sure. Glad you came out of it. Love those 5 minute tips

I decided to get Floradix today as my last iron level was 10, which is basically anaemic. Vitamin d I have but need to be a routine to take it

Sorry, yes that is what I meant. What a shame.