Once spent most of the past 3 years in bed, without anyone knowing…

[SinkingFeelingSoph]

Late 40s, one young child. After I’ve got DC off to school I have zero energy to clean or work or do anything really. I sort of zone out and often go back to bed. I then go get DC from school and function til their bedtime. Then I’m exhausted again.

Nobody knows. I’m a single parent and look presentable when out. But I’m barely living.

On antidepressants recently and feel
even more frozen. Tried HRT but even under the guidance of a well-respected professional, couldn’t get the dose right (suspected PMDD) and felt suicidal. Better off it and too scared to experiment again.

Hate the small town I live in. I need help but having talking therapy and telling the GP has done nothing.

I don’t know what to do. Feel I’m living in The Hours, or as an incapacitated retiree. I spent years in an abusive relationship and still need to deal with him. Sounds extreme but I feel I’m in some sort of prolonged PTSD

@Littlefish would explain a lot through my life (unable to finish anything, dropping out of university for crazy reasons, relationship issues always, not speaking as a teen), but my very good (!?) GP gives adult ASD an eye roll and says it’s perpetuated by influencers etc… he made me feel I was jumping on a bandwagon. Friends think I do, but what’s the treatment anyway? I actually tried bupropion as an antidepressant (which is also an off-label ADHD drug) and it made me have terrifying rage. I just don’t know what “issue” to focus on

Hello op.

This happened to me once and it was my life situation. I hated the city I was living in. And I felt like I had no control over my life. Once that changed, my mood and motivation changed massively.

Sometimes depression is a big warning gong that you are living the wrong life.

Op I know it takes a lot of energy, and financial outlay, but can you possibly move? What is tying you to this town you hate?

It’s incredibly hard being a single parent and it does tie you to a certain routine which can feel like a straitjacket. So be selfish about how you manage the circumstances of your life.

If you can’t move, is there anything you can change about your life circumstances to make them even marginally easier for you?

What about work? Could you start volunteering or doing a few hours of something you enjoy? Don’t worry about that though if it’s too much to contemplate atm.

It’s good that you are on ADs. Give them time. Sometimes though, actual rl change is necessary.

If that is not possible, can you join a single parents group and meet people with similar life circumstances? Then maybe you could join a baby-sitting circle? That might allow you to pursue an interest one evening a week?

Also, don’t answer this here, but who are you really op? How would you describe yourself in a paragraph if you didn’t have depression? What are your interests and ambitions? What do you want ideally? How would you fill your time if you didn’t have to earn money or if you didn’t have a child?

Sometimes when serious depression kicks in, it’s bc you have strayed too far from who you really are bc of life circumstances. Try and take small steps to get back to that central description of yourself.

What do you enjoy doing op? Whatever it is, give yourself permission to do it. Don’t be too conscientious! I got in to a terrible pickle with rigid thinking, that I had to be the perfect parent and cook and clean and earn money before I could “earn” the privilege of doing something creative that I enjoyed. In fact, once I did a few things I enjoyed, I felt hugely better. And it helped me do the other things.

Most importantly: please know that your child will be happy if you are happy so try and arrange your life to make it as pleasant as possible for you. You don’t need permission. Be selfish.

Also, it’s really important to make sure that sleep, food and exercise are all sorted, and as others have mentioned, that you have plenty of B12, Vit D, magnesium in your system.

Also, go back to gp until some form of therapy is arranged for you. Tell them it is a matter of urgency and that you are in charge of a young child and you need help to be able to cope?

Please do not give up. You have to grit your teeth and tackle this but I am living proof that it is possible to recover and come out the other side. And at one point I didn’t think that would be possible. I’m not the same as I was before I had depression, but the difference now is that I appreciate every moment of life without it. Even the crap bits!

Also, don’t be too reticent if you have a friend who is a fellow mother at school. You say that no one knows you are depressed but why not try opening up a bit? Most people can sense more about you than you imagine so they may have an idea that something is not quite right. Tell them. A problem
shared etc … it takes a lot of energy to keep up appearances and effectively live a lie. You are not ok. You are ill. You are doing the best you can. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Sending strength to you 💐

Your GP is not 'very good' if he gives adult Autism an eye roll.

Look at any YouTube footage by Dr Russell Barkley. He is incredibly informative on ADHD. Also look at Jessica McCabe, 'How to ADHD' also on YouTube.

I'm on the waiting list for assessment...

Sorry - missed your question. One of the treatments for ADHD is medication, either stimulant or non-stimulant. It can be transformational.

I've heard good things about EMDR as well, though I've not tried it. Certainly worth exploring.

And having a schedule, a timetable. With alarms on your phone.

Plus:

• healthy Mediterranean-type diet. Low UPF/refined carbs/sugar - lots of vegetables and some protein, basically.
• daily exercise. Yoga with Kassandra, Lucy Wyndham Read, Heather Robertson, Growingannanas, Caroline Girvan...
• going out at least once a day - a long walk, meeting a friend, shopping.
• finding/rediscover a hobby - playing the piano, messing with acrylics painting, knitting - anything that brings joy.
• reading one poem and/or listening to one special piece of music a day

Forgot:
Volunteering.
Especially at dog shelters, cat rescues, donkey sanctuaries, hedgehog habitat preservation groups.....

Have just seen your update about suspected ASD.

A diagnosis does not give you support but it does give you strategies. And it stops the self blame.

If you can possibly afford it, I would try and arrange a meeting with a licensed psychologist who specialises in FEMALE autism diagnosis.

Many gps are very ignorant about the way female ASD manifests itself, which can be very different from the way it manifests itself in boys. Ignore them. Get yourself on the list. Even if it takes a year or more, it’s worth it to get properly assessed. It’s not a bandwagon. Many older females are undiagnosed.

Also, as ASD is genetic, you need to know for the sake of your child.

This is nonsense, the last thing OP wants is doing chores to please someone else. It is too big a first step for someone that spends hours in bed.

But are you holding down some kind of WFH job from your bed, OP? Otherwise, if you're living on benefits, surely someone has diagnosed you with something, even if you don't feel it accounts for all your symptoms, in order to qualify?

When you say your iron is a bit low, you have tried supplementing?

I was barely getting by 3 years ago - I ached when I got out of bed, I had no motivation, but now I'm not bad - at least I'm not constantly tired and I do have bursts of productivity (although focus can still be an issue - but it always has)

I make sure I take 13mg iron, a multi-vit, St Johns Wort high strength (you can't mix this with your ADs), and lately Ashwaganda root which I think is helping.

The biggest change came from the iron/multivit - my periods are stupidly heavy, and I must have just been anaemic.

This is what I was thinking. I recently had blood tests because of constantly feeling exhausted and have been diagnosed with overactive thyroid. Please get checked out because it could be something other than depression

Are you always so aggressive?

My list was clearly meant to be things to aim for, rather than a "get up at 7am tomorrow and get cracking" itinerary...

This is a good suggestion, but if it's too much contact right now, they are often crying out for kitten fosterers to take litters into their own homes and raise them till they're old enough to adopt.

I can greatly recommend kitten therapy. You do need a spare room and a poor sense of smell though. Kittens are whiffy.

During lockdown I was stuck away from family for nearly 9 months. Cat fostering helped hugely in preventing me going nuts.

I took in a solitary 'found in a box' foster kitten just as my daughter left for a year abroad (I was very anxious about her going -- far more than she was, I think). Idiotic kitten antics kept us busily distracted for weeks.

Hey OP, I don't like to be so critical but I really have ZERO faith in our NHS when it comes to testing adequately.

With regards to iron, they think very low levels are ok. There are hundreds of people online who are incredibly ill and depressed with low iron that the NHS says is 'ok'. The other important marker is Ferritin which looks at the iron storage levels. Measuring this is important. Again, the NHS use ridiculously low levels as acceptable.

I'd want to know about magnesium, vitamin D, all electrolytes and B12 levels.

I've just bought a home testing kit today for all this.

My son is Autistic/ ADHD. I was reading last night that there is some research to say that there are often deficiencies in ADHD people in Zinc, magnesium, vitamin D and Omega 3.

It may just be worth really investing in testing again yourself and then joining online groups who will tell you what healthy functioning levels should look like ( not what the NHS says!).

Another thing - many people who are Autistic/ ADHD have POTS ( a problem with how blood is pumped up against gravity) It can exhaust you. I have it. Trying to drink at least 2.5 litres of electrolyte water and increase salt in your food every day might be worth trying.

We paid for a private Autism assessment for my son as we were getting fobbed off so much by the NHS. It has made a huge difference to his well being just knowing. It's a massive validation.

I was in a remarkably similar place to you some years back and interestingly I'm also thinking now about ADHD. My partner dropped my son at school and all I had to do was collect him; later on all I had to do was collect him at 7 pm after chapel services as he was a chorister. The number of times I wanted to actually attend the service at 6 and didn't make it in time because I still wasn't dressed ... (my partner had a long commute and was home later).

I also tried antidepressants without much benefit - took the edge off anxiety but blunted everything else really.

A big contribution to improvement for me was an amazing charity in Oxfordshire called "Restore" - amongst other things they run "recovery groups" which are activity based centres you might attend regularly one or two days a week, doing things like gardening, cooking or crafting. Hours typically inside the school day. You can be a member or you can volunteer to help (or indeed progress from one to the other). Initially I struggled to get there, or sometimes made it only in time for lunch. With their support I progressed to a small amount of self-employment which has subsequently become much more substantial.

I also have an amazing friend who still has me pencilled in one day a week (when we're free - now we both have children at uni and sometimes things come up). She would take me out for a walk with her dog, or help me problem solve or sort clutter in my house. (The latter is very much an ongoing project) Or sometimes just talk to me on the phone.

Routine has turned out to be crucial for me - I would do better if I was employed I think but maybe one day I'll employ someone else to do my admin :) Some of the things that so often overwhelmed me when my children were younger were the basics of washing and cleaning. Once I managed to sit down and think, what day do I want to wash the sheets? When should I do clothes? (weekend for the latter to turn around school uniform!). Fixing days in my head so that I thought, yes, today I do X, helped me to gradually have weeks where I managed at least one thing that needed doing each day.

If you would like to try someone giving you a call during the morning just to say hi and how are you, or if you happen to be in Oxfordshire, please send me a message!

Did you get a print out of your blood work? It might be worth comparing your readings against the Nice guidelines as the NHS is notorious for having much higher thresholds for treatment. It means you can be left to suffer with the message that nothing is wrong, when in other countries you’d be treated at the same level.

If iron is low, supplementing is important. It can be more effective to take it every other day as our bodies can be quite resistant to absorbing the stuff.

Hi OP

My life is similar. I have no energy for anything but tests don't show anything physically wrong. Just doing the washing up tires me out. I hate the city I live in. I also spent years in abusive relationships and too and the memories are there every day.

The fatigue and complete absence of motivation are always there regardless of my mental health. Everything feels, and has always felt, overwhelming, even when I my mood is good. As a child all I did was daydream, could never focus on schoolwork as it was too much. I used to cry every day before school because the thought of having to sit quietly and focus was unbearable.

It took me many years to complete my degree because I kept dropping out.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, on the quite severe end of the scale, and am waiting to start medication. It will be interesting to see if anything changes. From the reading I've done, it seems that horrible fatigue like ours is not uncommon among people who have it.

I've just (today) arranged to meet a psychologist for an EMDR consultation as I've experienced quite a lot of trauma. I feel hyper-vigilant all the time so I suspect this is using up quite a lot of my energy. Feeling on edge constantly is exhausting. Do you think this may be a factor?

I'm not going to make a load of suggestions because I don't have the answers, and I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. But I wanted you to know I get it and you're not alone with this.

And take it with a drink that is high in vitamin C like orange or cranberry to help absorbtion

Can I just say that two things strike me reading this thread:

One; how many people go through difficulties in life without anyone knowing. And it demonstrates how no one should judge anyone else as they have little idea of what goes on behind the scenes.

Second; that Mumsnet is not always the nest of vipers that so many recent threads would have you believe. Some really good and genuinely helpful advice on here.

I hope it all helps a bit anyway op and to know that you are definitely not alone 💐

If you are on universal credit, please ask for a conversation with a disability employment advisor. Their guidance isn't just work focused.

Also I am interested in how you function during school holidays.

I'm so sorry. Can you Google for abuse related charities in your area? So many of them offer free counselling and this can be so helpful if you have struggled to cope with the effects of this kind of trauma. I've seen my mum go through it and it's really devastating, it just affects every single aspect of life. And yes it is a form of PTSD and it will keep being reactivated if you have to see your abuser. I'm sorry because that is so tough.

Hope you don't mind me chiming in ,with some lived experience of similar, i didn't stay in bed though, i used to just sit and stare at the news. For hours and hours and hours.

I wasnt living, until two things happened. I started prostate treatment for PMDD, sacked off the anti depressants, and was referred for assessment for ADHD. Then it all made sense, i could see, i was seen, i could hear and was heard.

I cant tell you how life changing the prostrap was. And how being able to understand my brain has set me free.

Please put the HRT in the bin or keep it there if it already is. The nature of PMDD is that u likely wont ever be able to tolerate it.

Please contact your GP ( you can do it all online, go to surgery website ) and ask for a referal to the wellbeing team. And do consider self screening for ADHD and asking for a referal for assessment. You sound classic!

And finally, connection. You need connection. Join something local close to your heart. You are not alone, so many of us are on a similar journey, but we are all like you and hiding, until we connect :)

PROSTRAP! NOT PROSTATE TREATMENT 🙈🙈🤣🤣