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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate husband being here on my days off

89 replies

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:31

I feel really upset again this week. On my two days off he’s been here again and I’m back to work tomorrow and annoyingly just like all the other weeks he’s in the office tomorrow and rest of the week! It seems like he does this on purpose; on my days off he’s home and when I’m in work he goes to office too.

Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing - I look after our 2 children, I cook, clean, do the laundry etc. The thing is people will say I shouldn’t let him affect me and carry on despite him being here but I feel guilty when he’s working and doesn’t eat all day (I suspect he’s got Asperger’s) he would go entire day without eating. As I’m home I feel bad so I make breakfast and lunch for him. whereas if he was not here I can’t really do anything about him eating or not eating as not my problem but it is I feel if I’m home and he’s not eating.

We don’t have a study so he work on kitchen table and does all his meetings and calls there. I hear his voice booming throughout the house. I try to get out in the morning but truthfully I’m burnt out hence I went part time due to my mental health but I hate being home with him. It feels really awkward as I do t feel I can chill out. I imagined dropping the kids off then chilling out watching Netflix on the sofa and spending afternoons doing my chores. I’m really starting to despise him. I tried talking to him but I feel he doesn’t understand and it just leads to arguments (from me as he frustrates me).

I feel my kids are being affected too as I’m still stressed out. The few times he’s had to go to work have been fantastic! I felt so relaxed and gone to work happier and had a lovely weekend as a result of feeling lighter and happier. Today I just feel drained and fed up and I am snapping at my kids. I’m so exhausted I cannot even think about work tomorrow. I don’t feel I’ve had time off I’m so fed up.

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 02/07/2024 17:33

Coordinate calendars and try and avoid each other?

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:34

Forgot to mention my part-time situation is only temporary whilst my mental health improves. I have to go full time at some point.

OP posts:
OhHelloMiss · 02/07/2024 17:35

This doesn't sound like a happy marriage at all

I think that needs addressing tbh

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:37

@DeliciousApples I’ve tried asking him if he can not be here at least one of my days off but he ignores me. Maybe it’s the Aspergers I don’t know. He hasn’t been diagnosed but I find it so difficult to discuss anything with him. He knows him being here adds to my stress as I can’t relax and I can’t invite friends over etc. I can’t even put tv on too loud as he complains he can’t hear his calls!

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 02/07/2024 17:39

Why are you with him?

Frosty1000 · 02/07/2024 17:40

His work shouldn't affect your home so he needs to find a spare room or go to the office more.

thestudio · 02/07/2024 17:40

Why does he do nothing? WHY?
How can he logically justify it?
I think that is the root of the problem OP and once you realise the answer is 'because he doesn't give a shit about me' then you've not really much option other than to separate.

Justsomethoughts · 02/07/2024 17:41

Is there anything restorative you can do while you are outside the house? maybe a walk, a coffee, wander around some shops?

could you take yourself into your bedroom and watch Netflix with your earphones on your iPad?

maybe you could prep a sandwich for him (or get him to do this) the night before?

Thats all if you can’t somehow come to an agreement that you get some home time just on your own.

thistimelastweek · 02/07/2024 17:42

When I worked part-time, my days off were for me and me alone so I totally get where you are coming from.
When my husband went part-time I asked him to organise separate days off and he was fine with that.
I don't think a need for personal space is necessarily indicative of an unhappy marriage but a failure to respect that need might be.
If he can't respect your need for space do your utmost to plan the day as best suits you and you alone.

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:44

Thank you all. I tried calmly talking to him last week but he flew off the handle and I got upset with him and then I felt guilty and I over compensated by saying he should stay home. I feel this is such a mess. Life and marriage shouldn’t be like this.

OP posts:
DawsonsFreak · 02/07/2024 17:44

For a start, stop making him meals. If he asks you, say it's your day off to look after your mental health and your chores, not to look after him. You absolutely can point him towards the fridge.

Oldfatandfrumpy · 02/07/2024 17:45

As I’m home I feel bad so I make breakfast and lunch for him. whereas if he was not here I can’t really do anything about him eating or not eating as not my problem but it is I feel if I’m home and he’s not eating.

Well of course he is going to choose your days off to work from home if you are going to run around after him! Why would he choose to be at home on days when he'd need to look after himself?

You only have yourself to blame. Just pretend he isn't there

SeeingRainbowsInTheGloom · 02/07/2024 17:45

Start putting on the calendar that's your day, you will be playing loud music and crashing around the kitchen as much as you want, and he needs to put up with it or go into the office!

Freeme31 · 02/07/2024 17:47

If as you suspect Asperger's why not try being direct and factual say i do not want you here on my days off. Surely there can be no argument unless he directly says i dont care what you want and i will be at home on your days off. Then you have to think serious about what you want/need

LoveWine123 · 02/07/2024 17:47

To me this is very very odd. I can’t imagine wanting to avoid my husband and asking him to not be in his own home on the days that I’m there. This is not what a normal marriage looks like. I think you should look into where your mental health issues are coming from and address them…I doubt they are stemming from your husband being at home.

GagaBinks · 02/07/2024 17:50

You should stop caring if he's eating or not. You are not his mum. He's meant to be your equal.

If he doesn't eat all day then that's on him.

Cornishclio · 02/07/2024 17:50

I would not be making food for him and I would be doing my chores around him in the kitchen. Tell him you will be hoovering, playing the radio, cleaning the floors and generally doing things most normal people do on days off. Put the TV on and watch a film and pretend he is t there. Tell him if he needs to work quietly he can go into the office like he does every other day.

I would hate to be married to a clingy man. Luckily my husband is more independent. We spend some time together but quite a lot doing our own things.

Maray1967 · 02/07/2024 17:50

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:37

@DeliciousApples I’ve tried asking him if he can not be here at least one of my days off but he ignores me. Maybe it’s the Aspergers I don’t know. He hasn’t been diagnosed but I find it so difficult to discuss anything with him. He knows him being here adds to my stress as I can’t relax and I can’t invite friends over etc. I can’t even put tv on too loud as he complains he can’t hear his calls!

Edited

Turn the TV up louder…

I’m not joking. Make it awkward for him so he goes to the office. Your home is not an office and he should not take up a main room and dictate what happens.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 02/07/2024 17:51

SeeingRainbowsInTheGloom · 02/07/2024 17:45

Start putting on the calendar that's your day, you will be playing loud music and crashing around the kitchen as much as you want, and he needs to put up with it or go into the office!

This. Stop feeling guilty. Stop blaming Asperger's. You have asked him, explained to him, but he ignores your wishes. That's not Asperger's, that's selfishness.
So, sit him down. Tell him that your days at home are for YOUR mental health. You will be watching TV, playing music, in and out of the house, and NOT catering for him.
Then he can't complain when you do just what you've said. He can choose whether to be at home on the understanding that this will happen, or he can change his WFH days.
If he's still an arse about it, you've got a longer term decision to make.

VoteHappy · 02/07/2024 17:51

Freeme31 · 02/07/2024 17:47

If as you suspect Asperger's why not try being direct and factual say i do not want you here on my days off. Surely there can be no argument unless he directly says i dont care what you want and i will be at home on your days off. Then you have to think serious about what you want/need

I agree with this.
I had to absolutely spell it out to my ND DH.
I'm an introvert, I need space.
All those telling Op she's wrong, the marriage is over -complete nonsense!

DelphiniumBlue · 02/07/2024 17:51

So you are being too accommodating, making him breakfast and lunch, keeping quiet, not inviting friends over or putting on the tv.
Trll him you will be having at least one of your days at home to do what you want. Then do it. Have friends over, make Tuesday ( or any specific day) your regular day for visitors, loud online Zumba, hoovering and fasting. Don’t cook, behave as if he is not there.
Or you could ask him why he is determined to work from home on the days you have asked him not to, that you need the place to yourself sometimes ( regularly). Ask if he’s trying to upset you, because that’s what it looks like. No good hinting, you are going to have to be very clear.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/07/2024 17:52
  1. Buy a shed for yourself or
  2. Shoot him
KreedKafer · 02/07/2024 17:52

I don’t think this is just about him being home on your days off, is it?

You sound as if you actively dislike him. Which isn’t necessarily unreasonable, but if the presence of your husband upsets upsets you as much as this, I don’t think this is a marriage with a future.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/07/2024 17:55

Honestly I would just go about your day exactly as you would if he wasn’t there, if he doesn’t like it then he has the option to go into the office.

My husband has the option to WFH 1 day a week and I’m currently off on maternity leave, he likes to work in our kitchen and he asked if I was okay with that, I told him I don’t mind where he works but that this is our home, not the office, so if he wants to work here that’s absolutely fine but I’m not going to behave or use the space any differently than I normally would. So I still watch the tv, I pop in and out with baby, I have friends/family over, he doesn’t mind at all but he knows if he did mind then it would be on him to go into the office rather than me tiptoe around him all day.

autienotnaughty · 02/07/2024 17:55

Be factual and try not to directly blame him.

Apologise for last conversation and say you are having time off from work because of your mental health/stress. Hearing him work and having to be careful about what you are doing is making you more stressed and you are concerned you will need longer off as a result. It would really help you if he could do you a favour and go into work on your days off.

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