To hate husband being here on my days off

[2024Mm]

I feel really upset again this week. On my two days off he’s been here again and I’m back to work tomorrow and annoyingly just like all the other weeks he’s in the office tomorrow and rest of the week! It seems like he does this on purpose; on my days off he’s home and when I’m in work he goes to office too.

Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing - I look after our 2 children, I cook, clean, do the laundry etc. The thing is people will say I shouldn’t let him affect me and carry on despite him being here but I feel guilty when he’s working and doesn’t eat all day (I suspect he’s got Asperger’s) he would go entire day without eating. As I’m home I feel bad so I make breakfast and lunch for him. whereas if he was not here I can’t really do anything about him eating or not eating as not my problem but it is I feel if I’m home and he’s not eating.

We don’t have a study so he work on kitchen table and does all his meetings and calls there. I hear his voice booming throughout the house. I try to get out in the morning but truthfully I’m burnt out hence I went part time due to my mental health but I hate being home with him. It feels really awkward as I do t feel I can chill out. I imagined dropping the kids off then chilling out watching Netflix on the sofa and spending afternoons doing my chores. I’m really starting to despise him. I tried talking to him but I feel he doesn’t understand and it just leads to arguments (from me as he frustrates me).

I feel my kids are being affected too as I’m still stressed out. The few times he’s had to go to work have been fantastic! I felt so relaxed and gone to work happier and had a lovely weekend as a result of feeling lighter and happier. Today I just feel drained and fed up and I am snapping at my kids. I’m so exhausted I cannot even think about work tomorrow. I don’t feel I’ve had time off I’m so fed up.

Have the people who are eye-rolling at the 'why are you with him' questions completely missed the part where OP says the lazy bastard does absolutely fuck all to help?

She sounds like she fucking hates him and cant stand a single thing about him. And he does sound like a useless and inconsiderate prick. There’s not wanting to live in each others pockets, and there’s this level of vitriol towards one of the people you’re meant to love the most. Her life sounds horrible and she sounds miserable. I think her having the 1 or 2 days a week with the house to herself is just going to be a sticking plaster to their marriage

You resent him because he's a lazy, selfish fucker who doesn't parent his own Dc.

Why is he working at the kitchen table? He needs to go into a home office or go to work, not wfh.

It sounds like you'd be happier and your mh would be better if you separated.

This

Your retirement looks fun

I’m sorry to hear about your mental ill health. Are you investigating the causes thoroughly?

Hi OP, I totally understand that you need some 'space' away from your husband. Most people I know feel like that. No wonder you are feeling resentful.
I think you need an honest conversation with him re him being in the office whilst you are at home.
You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do
I really hope your MH improves, you are dealing with so much

I'm with you on this one OP. I'm in the same situation, and I always work from home on the same day every week. I think you should get the vacuum out as soon as he starts his first phone call. Then play music loudly for the rest of the day.

Spot On

You say you want to invite friends over etc. Does he have 2 days a week he can do that?

I prefer it when I have the house to myself when I WFH, but would never resent my husband for deciding to WFH the same day. But I like him!

You need to stop adjusting your days off to make his life more comfortable. So tell him in advance, probably write it down for both of you

1. I am having x date as time off because I am not well enough to work full-time at present.

1. On my day off I will not be making food or drink for anyone but myself.

1. On my day off I will use the whole house as I want, including the kitchen. This may involve loud music.

1. DH should work in the office on my days off so that his work is not disturbed.

Op is he choosing to be working from home on the days you are on your days off?

If so it sounds like he knows it’s easier him working from home on the days you are off so you can look after him.

Working from home does not prioritise over a house being a home. Invite your friends over, watch the tv with a volume that suits you and if he doesn’t like it he’ll just have to go into the office. Don’t argue with it, just manage it.

And I would tell him that you want him to be formally assessed for Asbergers as his behaviour is ruining your marriage and you both need to work through some techniques and a mutual understanding of what's needed.

I'd be highly surprised if he is not just an epic selfish lazy arse rather than on the spectrum.

Alternatives - a day off list left lying around.

Isn't it time your kitchen had a good clear out of pointless items and a deep clean? Possibly followed by a coat of paint the following week?
Freezer needs defrosting.
Holiday sit a hamster with a large and squeaky wheel that needs to be in the kitchen.
Washing machine is probably overdue for one of those lengthy self clean cycles.
Nail varnish is very smelly. Never met a man who can bear it.
Batch cooking
Gardening with some music outdoors. Lots of rehydration needed. Doors opening and closing.

Granted none of this is sitting on the sofa watching Netflix but while it is hugely passive aggressive it might change his habits.
Personally if you can't make a simple request that says you need the headspace and total peace and quiet and can he please go into the office. And the answer is anything other than "sure, that's no problem. Shall we take the kids out for an early dinner when I get home" then you have your answer. He just doesn't care about you any more.

How did the conversation go - what made him fly off the handle? Is he offended that you don’t want him around?

Can he choose which days he goes in completely freely?

It’s not an unreasonable thing to want some time alone in the house. If he can’t see that, why not? What’s his thought process?

OP, let me tell you a story. Over the last five years ago my DH developed a habit of clearing his throat loudly every minute or so. I could hear it from wherever I was in the house. He claimed he couldn't help it. I tried asking him to swallow his phlegm instead, but he got angry and carried on. Then I noticed that he never did it when we had company, or when he was out the house. He only did it at home. I pointed that out, but he got angry and carried on. I suggested he go to the doctor to get himself checked out, but he got angry and carried on.

One day I finally snapped. I went downstairs and told him if I ever heard him clear his throat again, I'd divorce him. I told him I was well aware that he could control it for hours and days when he didn't want to annoy other people, therefore it was clear he just didn't care about annoying me. I made it absolutely clear I had had enough. He hasn't done it since. All along he could have stopped, he just pretended he couldn't because he didn't give a toss about its impact on me, and believed he had a god-given right to do whatever he liked.

Work out what you feel is reasonable for him to do, and what you feel is disrespectful to you and your needs. Explain why you feel the way you do about the stuff that impacts on you, then make it absolutely crystal clear that you will not put up with it any more. Don't get drawn into an argument. Just tell him it stops, or he leaves, then walk away. Rinse and repeat until he understands that your needs count too. If he refuses to accommodate you in any way, then divorce him.

Are you serious?

I disagree with this. We're about to celebrate our golden wedding and have been retired for a number of years, but my husband always worked long shifts, meaning that I often had weekend days to myself and he often had weekdays (when I was working) to himself. We both appreciated the space and have continued to ensure we have our own time in to retirement.

It's perfectly normal to want some alone time in your own house without someone ruining the vibe with work.

How much spare cash do you have OP? Could you go to a hotel overnight and arrange a late checkout? Could you go to a day spa and spend a day snoozing?

If you have no money are you able to go to a friends house whilst they’re out at work to just have a day to watch TV? I’d let a friend come here in a similar situation.

Once you’re well rested, speak to your husband again and insist he spends the days you are off in the office.

Prep a sandwich for him?🤣 For the guy who does fuck all around the house? Is that before or after she washes his pants?

If you don’t want to be in the house at the same time as your DH the marriage is over. It was over when he forebore to lift a finger.

The few times he’s had to go to work have been fantastic! I felt so relaxed and gone to work happier and had a lovely weekend as a result of feeling lighter and happier.

This is your life without him.

Bet you don't do all the housework and wipe his bum for him though?

Loads of wierd posts: eg @Mirabai :

If you don’t want to be in the house at the same time as your DH the marriage is over.

🤣

My Dh is a bit of a diamond, and works really hard generally. But I don't like it when he's at home or working from home on my day off (I work 4 days). That's got nothing to do with my marriage, or it being 'over', but because of like space on my own, and my day off on a Monday is my time to get it.

I think tell him that you are having a kitchen clear out and or batch cooking etc so he needs to sit in bed to work or better still be in the office when you are at home. If he ignores you, clear and clatter your way through the kitchen cupboards during his Teams calls

I know I'm doing multiple posts but how do people get in a scenario that results in this: ' Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing - I look after our 2 children, I cook, clean, do the laundry etc.'

Am I the only person outraged?