To hate husband being here on my days off

[2024Mm]

I feel really upset again this week. On my two days off he’s been here again and I’m back to work tomorrow and annoyingly just like all the other weeks he’s in the office tomorrow and rest of the week! It seems like he does this on purpose; on my days off he’s home and when I’m in work he goes to office too.

Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing - I look after our 2 children, I cook, clean, do the laundry etc. The thing is people will say I shouldn’t let him affect me and carry on despite him being here but I feel guilty when he’s working and doesn’t eat all day (I suspect he’s got Asperger’s) he would go entire day without eating. As I’m home I feel bad so I make breakfast and lunch for him. whereas if he was not here I can’t really do anything about him eating or not eating as not my problem but it is I feel if I’m home and he’s not eating.

We don’t have a study so he work on kitchen table and does all his meetings and calls there. I hear his voice booming throughout the house. I try to get out in the morning but truthfully I’m burnt out hence I went part time due to my mental health but I hate being home with him. It feels really awkward as I do t feel I can chill out. I imagined dropping the kids off then chilling out watching Netflix on the sofa and spending afternoons doing my chores. I’m really starting to despise him. I tried talking to him but I feel he doesn’t understand and it just leads to arguments (from me as he frustrates me).

I feel my kids are being affected too as I’m still stressed out. The few times he’s had to go to work have been fantastic! I felt so relaxed and gone to work happier and had a lovely weekend as a result of feeling lighter and happier. Today I just feel drained and fed up and I am snapping at my kids. I’m so exhausted I cannot even think about work tomorrow. I don’t feel I’ve had time off I’m so fed up.

Can you change your days at work? And don't tell him?

Alternatively, can you plan things in your day off. Like go cinema, coffee shop etc. stop feeding him for sure. Maybe he's choosing his days at home when you're home because he knows you will make him breakfast and lunch!

this. stop making him meals. Put on netflix and carry on as he isnt there. Have friends round. Make noise. Tell him you do not want him at home when you have a day off as he ruins it. Dont dance around it. Tell him he is being selfish. And stop diagnosing him. He is an arsehole. do you every get time alone?

Or because he wants to know what she is doing at all times

I find this strange. I am also part time and on the odd occasion my husband’s WFH day coincides with my days off, I love it. I largely ignore him and I certainly don’t go out my way to feed him, but if I’m eating I will. I certainly wouldn’t worry if he didn’t eat?! I do get what you mean about feeling guilty chilling out if he’s working but I can’t really identify with that as I don’t sit down on my days off! I can’t imagine having time to watch Netflix! And my husband does split the children & any evening weekend jobs 50/50 with me!

To me this is very very odd. I can’t imagine wanting to avoid my husband and asking him to not be in his own home on the days that I’m there.

Did you miss the bit where she said he works at the kitchen table but is on meetings and can't have noise happening around him ?

I like spending time off with my dh, but I wouldn't put up with that. In 2020 we had no choice but to get on with it. But it is now 2024. It isn't realistic to expect to sit on video calls at the kitchen table when there are other people in the house.
That's for anyone. The fact the OP is working PT because of health issues, make it worse.

While your situation sounds miserable, you seem to be somewhat enabling his behaviour too by cooking meals out of guilt. If he is fine to stay hungry, then that's it. What's the guilt for?
What is more concerning is you doing all the housework and childcare. Have you spoken to him about why he isn't stepping up? This is not a healthy and happy marriage. If he is being unreasonable, perhaps marriage counselling can help discuss these issues in an amicable way or decide the outcome of this relationship. But at this point you can't simply bear it, some action has to be taken.

Haha good point. I was just trying to offer practical advice if OP just wants to keep the status quo but I see the thread has really moved on!

Thank you all so much. Even the comments disagreeing with me are giving me things to think about. Thank you. I know I sound like a cow but seriously his voice booms throughout the house! An odd day here and there I would mind but it’s like every single day I have to myself it’s like this. I actually feel more relaxed at work! I get periods of quiet but here it’s either him on calls all day and then kids when I pick up from school.

Regardless of what I’ve written I don’t really hate him! He’s a nice enough guy and even though he does t help me I know how hard he works to provide for us. It’s only due to him working so hard I’m actually able to do part time for a little while. I think I need to get out of the house.

the PP who suggested making a sandwich - I actually like this idea! I can give him breakfast with the kids then leave for the morning and feel no guilt as good is there for him to have. I think I need to leave the house to get out of my depression.

Thank you and good night x

Excuse the numerous typos sorry! I’m so exhausted I need to sleep 😴

While ye both need to address the fact he does nothing I can understand him being upset- I’d be gutted if my dh asked could I not be around!!! I think you need to figure out how to be off days he has to be in the office (sorry am no help), or meet friends out somewhere:/ in a park/ at theirs, but as others say you both need to properly talk, it doesn’t sound like a nice existence

Sorry op just saw your last post! Best of luck!

OMG I feel your pain. Those rare days I have the house to myself are like a drug. It’s sooooo good. I find it so hard that my DH is home ALL the time and he’s recently changed his days so now my one day without him home, he’s bloody home!! Argh.

Do you have to tell him your days off? Could you tell him the opposite and then when he asks say ‘oh they needed me in on this day’, once it’s too late.

Of course he wants to be home when you are, you feed him and look after him. When I work from home I get fuck all.

ND house here. Totally relate. I’ve been you! We are often burnt out by our days and take ourselves off to have space.

I’d tell him to fuck off regarding the TV. He’s ignored your requests so ignore his. If he wants an office environment he can go to the office.