Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am struggling big time

81 replies

Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 00:34

Sorry for posting here. It’s late & I guess I thought this would have the most traffic.

I went back to work full time 3 months ago. I have DC6 & DC3 and have worked part time/self employed since having them until this job now.

honestly I’m sinking into a depression and I just don’t know what to so.

it’s impossible to juggle it all. For the last month it’s been back to back illnesses between the two. I’m currently sat is DC6s room as they’ve woken genuinely about 15 times already this evening with a cough and earache. They only went back to school today after being off most of last week with a sickness bug. Before that DC3 was on/off nursery with a temperate and ear infection for the best part of 10 days.

I haven’t had a full night sleep in months as DC3 gets in our bed even when they’re not ill.

they’re on different schedules no matter what we try, one is a night owl and we struggle to get them to sleep before 9-10pm and the other wakes us up before 6am every morning.

that’s before we even think about school holidays, no holiday clubs that don’t cost thousands for the summer run 9-5 everyday. Most are only odd weeks and finish at 4pm.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel desperate. DH helps but the kids still want me. The house is trashed constantly. Piles of clean washing I just don’t know when I’ll ever have time to put away.

we have no family that can help, my mum died a few years ago and I have no contact with my dad. DHs parents have the kids occasionally for a weekend but aren’t local or in good enough health to do more than that.

I just want to quit 😭 I love the job but I just don’t know what to do - I worry for my future prospects too

thanks for reading if you got this far I guess I just wanted a handhold and to see if anyone else has been through similar

OP posts:
summeroccupation · 02/07/2024 00:37

It's bloody relentless, isn't it? Can you afford to hire a cleaner/housekeeper, even if it's just for a couple of hours a week? Or switch to condensed hours so you get a day free?

(((hugs))) it will get better, I promise,

meimyself · 02/07/2024 00:39

Can you quit ?

Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 00:42

@summeroccupation we have a cleaner once a week to deep clean the bathrooms and kitchen and change the bedding which is a huge help

@meimyself financially we could just about do it, but I worry about future career if I take much more time away & when I’ve worked part time before and had a quiet month self employed our relationship struggles. DH doesn’t seem to cope well with shouldering the entirety of the financial burden and we end up arguing a lot

OP posts:
Normalnot · 02/07/2024 00:43

No wonder you’re feeling frazzled, it sounds too much. Most of the people I know that were full time with kids similar ages to yours had outside help from grandparents etc… doing it all yourself sounds so tough.

Buttercupsandpoppys · 02/07/2024 00:44

can you work just two days a week until your youngest is 6?

that’d only 6 years part time out of your entire working life of what.. 50 odd years?

Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 00:45

@Normalnot its turning me into a shell honestly and I don’t know what to do.

DH even with the best intentions doesn’t realise I still end up shouldering the majority. Cleaning, child admin etc. when they wake in the night it’s me they want not him etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 00:46

@Buttercupsandpoppys i think I need to seriously consider it to be honest. I can’t go on much longer like this. I’m already panicking about the summer hols and juggling that around reduced childcare.

and then there’s the mum guilt - I feel so bad for them being in childcare so much 😭 just failing at everything.

OP posts:
meimyself · 02/07/2024 00:46

Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 00:42

@summeroccupation we have a cleaner once a week to deep clean the bathrooms and kitchen and change the bedding which is a huge help

@meimyself financially we could just about do it, but I worry about future career if I take much more time away & when I’ve worked part time before and had a quiet month self employed our relationship struggles. DH doesn’t seem to cope well with shouldering the entirety of the financial burden and we end up arguing a lot

You should consider it. It will only be for a few years and I think you can catch up on your career. I think too much is expected from mothers these days, even just as an example what you mention re kids getting sick etc

Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 00:48

@meimyself you’re right. I should be able to pick up a few freelance gigs now and then too, which would be low stress and nice ‘pocket money’ at least

OP posts:
meimyself · 02/07/2024 00:49

It would be nice for you to be able to focus on your freelancing

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/07/2024 00:50

Can you go back to pt at least all in full time school and sleeping through the night. That way you still have a career to go back to.

if the kids only want you get DP to take over all the washing so at least that is off your to do list

nats2010 · 02/07/2024 01:03

Hey OP. Sorry to hear you are really stuck in the thick of things right now. Are you able to have a very frank discussion with your manager about your needs at present? Are you able to stay in current job and condense or drop hours?
Hugs x

Vladthecat · 02/07/2024 01:16

DH doesn’t like the idea of shouldering the majority of the financial responsibility but clearly you are working while shouldering the bulk of the child care and household admin.
Too much is expected of women these days. They take on 2 jobs because their male partner resents being the sole earner.
And it doesn’t matter if they have the best intentions and want to be more involved.
Most kids want their mum when they’re unwell.

Quitting your current job would not be unreasonable.

Gormenghastly · 02/07/2024 01:33

The problem with quitting is if anything went wrong with your partnership you'd be fucked.

Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 02:08

And dc6 is awake again! My goodness

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 02:08

I have nearly a full day of meetings tomorrow 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsastrugglingmum · 02/07/2024 02:09

@Vladthecat i agree and it’s a source of contention between the two of us

OP posts:
candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 02/07/2024 02:16

This is the shittiest part of parenting, they need you constantly and it feels like it will never end. I would really do everything you can, though, to keep your job. If you quit you are taking a permanent step to address a temporary problem. See if you can flex your hours or go PT for a while, but I would really encourage you to do that only if you have an "on-ramp" back up to FT. Outsource as much as you possibly can - even just a "mothers helper" a few hours a week so that you can get the laundry put away or sleep and have someone clean and do your laundry. And it goes without saying that your husband needs to up his game - if the kids want you, that's his time to deal with laundry, dishwasher, etc.

Good luck, it's brutal but one day this will be a memory.

k80pie · 02/07/2024 02:20

If you just want to quit, then do it. Your youngest will be at school before long, maybe you need to be home for the next couple of years and take the pressure off yourself. Trust that you will pick up your career again.

Zanatdy · 02/07/2024 05:11

It’s tough going when they are so young and catch everything going. I was part time for a decade, largely due to my own ill health but it helped, as i’m a single parent. It meant I didn’t need to spend all weekend catching up on housework. Their father worked overseas a lot so most of it fell to me and I was seriously unwell at the time too and so I feel for you as I remember how tough it was. Yes my pension is reduced for those 10yrs part time, and yes my promotion opportunities were stalled, I stayed static for years, but my health couldn’t have taken work stress I have now on top so I don’t regret that. I really enjoyed the 1 day I had at home with my daughter before she started school, and later I had 2 days off in the week so my kids could have some play dates on those days. I’ve been back full time for 5yrs now, got a promotion and now my children are 16 and 19 it’s fine to be full time. I would never have quit my job completely, as it’s a career not just a job, but being part time was a really good option when the kids were young. All grown up now and don’t need me so much so plenty of time to pick my career back up now.

k80pie · 02/07/2024 05:24

k80pie · 02/07/2024 02:20

If you just want to quit, then do it. Your youngest will be at school before long, maybe you need to be home for the next couple of years and take the pressure off yourself. Trust that you will pick up your career again.

I just re-read your message - perhaps going back part-time is the answer? Then you can keep a hand in, and not feel out of the game, but not have so much pressure? I can't imagine how tricky it must be trying to juggle full-time with kids so really feeling for you!

ShyCrab · 02/07/2024 05:27

Honestly OP in your situation I would reduce hours to PT, at least for the next few years. Have a frank discussion with your DH and explain how you’re feeling. It’s unfair of him to expect you to work full time whilst also shouldering the majority of the household burden. Surely he can understand that? I would feel resentful of his attitude tbh. Best of luck. I’m sure you’re doing a great job X

Brainded · 02/07/2024 05:31

Why is your dh not tidying the house and tackling the piles of washing??

ToriTheStoryteller · 02/07/2024 05:42

How much is your DH doing at home?

I think sitting down with him and listing the chores/admin needed to run the house would be useful. If he doesn't want to feel the burden of being the sole earner (fair enough, that's a lot of pressure), and the kids are highly dependent on you, then the only option is for him to do a lot more at home.
At the same time, you both need to work on how to get the kids to see him as a reliable emotional/capable parent if they are ill/needy. If you are both working then he needs to share the load.

That is a far more beneficial solution than you having to jeopardise your future salary increases, pension and financial security in the event of a split.

I'm in a situation due to DS and an elderly relative both having very demanding struggles at the moment, and this is only going to get worse. If my DH suggested me give up work I'd be really pissed off that I should sacrifice my financial security. Instead, we looked at what we could do to simplify our life, to cut down other commitments, to share the burden equally in a way that means we still have time snd energy to enjoy life.

MumChp · 02/07/2024 05:50

Ask your husband to step up. It's not about what the kids want but running a family!