I am struggling big time

[Itsastrugglingmum]

Sorry for posting here. It’s late & I guess I thought this would have the most traffic.

I went back to work full time 3 months ago. I have DC6 & DC3 and have worked part time/self employed since having them until this job now.

honestly I’m sinking into a depression and I just don’t know what to so.

it’s impossible to juggle it all. For the last month it’s been back to back illnesses between the two. I’m currently sat is DC6s room as they’ve woken genuinely about 15 times already this evening with a cough and earache. They only went back to school today after being off most of last week with a sickness bug. Before that DC3 was on/off nursery with a temperate and ear infection for the best part of 10 days.

I haven’t had a full night sleep in months as DC3 gets in our bed even when they’re not ill.

they’re on different schedules no matter what we try, one is a night owl and we struggle to get them to sleep before 9-10pm and the other wakes us up before 6am every morning.

that’s before we even think about school holidays, no holiday clubs that don’t cost thousands for the summer run 9-5 everyday. Most are only odd weeks and finish at 4pm.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel desperate. DH helps but the kids still want me. The house is trashed constantly. Piles of clean washing I just don’t know when I’ll ever have time to put away.

we have no family that can help, my mum died a few years ago and I have no contact with my dad. DHs parents have the kids occasionally for a weekend but aren’t local or in good enough health to do more than that.

I just want to quit 😭 I love the job but I just don’t know what to do - I worry for my future prospects too

thanks for reading if you got this far I guess I just wanted a handhold and to see if anyone else has been through similar

1. DH needs to step up. Go through the weeks plans in advance, delegate out. It's not your job to manage the household but it falls naturally to us as times. I have no problem telling DH what he needs to do, which pick up, which homework, what dinner.

2. Work part time if you're able to, don't quit. If you enjoy work, don't quit to give the house your full attention, it will affect you mr career in the future. Part time will allow you to be a present mother too, and enjoy the children rather than just be their butler.

Put your foot down. You aren't a door mat and ensure your husband does his bit as a partner and father with hopefully common sense.

Get help - cleaner. Get some ready meals for a break. Nothing is forever so you should do what works for you now.

Good luck. They said we can have it all, but really, you can't at the same time as quoted by Michelle Obama!!

I could possibly get away with 4.5/4.75 days without work noticing to be honest - as long as I was around for anything urgent. I’m hybrid and Fridays are always quiet so I as long as I’ve done what I need no one would notice if I stepped away for 2 hours on a Friday afternoon I think. shame it’s only Tuesday lol

off to the docs this morning with earache for dc6

In addition to all that’s been said already OP- things will get easier in time OP, as your little ones get older and less dependent on you. I know you know this deep down but sometimes hearing it helps.

For the sake of your sleep- maybe get a little foam fold up child’s bed to put in your bedroom, ready made up for DC6 to come and sleep in during the night without disturbing you and your sleep?

For the night owl child have agreement that they can stay up later but need to stay in their room having quiet time looking at books etc?

I've worked full time throughout. Kids are now 9 and 12 and the early years were certainly the hardest.
We don't have any family support locally.
It does sound like your DH needs to step up. Really look at all the workload, list everything and ask him what he is going to pick up. If he is unwilling look at all the things you do for his benefit and stop.
He doesn't help with laundry the his doesn't get done. Just do yours and the kids.
For summer look for a childminder, you may be able to find one with spaces over the holidays as they may have term time only children.
If this isn't an option tell DH the 3 weeks you can't cover and tell him he will either need to take leave or find childcare.
I did reduce my hours to 30/week for a couple of years so worked 9-3 and was able to do school runs but this had a negative impact on me as my job is such that the workload didn't actually reduce. I now do a 9 day fortnight and use my day off to deal with house/life admin. Why do you need his permission to condense your hours?
Foodshop do online.
If you do remain at work finding a way to accept that there are things that just won't get done is key. This time is really hard but it will pass.
Good luck

Absolutely this.

Your husband does not care about you. hes happy to see you are struggling and let you carry on struggling.

Don't quit your job or cut your hours.

If I'm honest, I don't see your marriage lasting. You aren't a partnership in anyway. You might think in terms of 'Us' but he doesn't, he thinks in terms of 'Me' (first of course) and 'You' (secondary) and 'You' includes DCs.

He wants a 1950s life with a housewife doing all the housework, presenting him with pipe and slippers when he comes through the door. His involvement with DCs is limited to a quick kiss goodnight.

The reality is that he 'doesn't do well' as sole breadwinner. So he needs you to work so that he can share the financial burden. But he doesn't want to share the domestic burden.

He's a bit useless isn't he?

I'm not usually a LTB type but sounds like your DH is the quickest way to a solution here. Doesn't seem fair that you're wanting to half the financial burden for him, but he's not sharing the children/house workload equally.

Many women have written books / spoken about how to deal with this age old problem – let some balls drop to let DH pick up the slack (as painful as it is), itemise each task and chore in a detailed way... None of it passive aggressive (or aggressive!) but approaching it in a mutual problem solving way. They'll explain it much better than I have

He probably WONT have the kids 50/50 though. I'm not sure why people assume that the men who don't take much interest in them when they are with the mother's are suddenly going to want to do a 50% share of the caring. The majority of men do a day every other weekend or just ignore the fact they have kids. My DDs father did that ( as well as telling his mother to forget she had grandchildren) So when I accidentally fell pregnant with DS part of the agreement to continue with the pregnancy was that if we split up HE was to be the main carer

You could try the book Fair Play but doesn't sound like he'd be very receptive. Follow Zawn on Facebook. I'd be looking for a way out of the relationship as it sounds like he's adding work not taking on any of the load.

Sorry to be contrary but I'd caution against that as you'll be poor AND busy if you leave. Of course if it's about your romantic happiness do leave but if it's for a practical solution I'd say ignore the LTB bridgade, I think they just enjoy shit stirring

I am sorry but this is a DH issue - I think you have to make a different decision about whether you and the kids stay with this horrid man.

He doesn’t listen, does nothing with the kids, is doing nothing round the house and- has no respect for what you do. I would at the very least be expecting him to do the washing/ putting away plus cleaning/ washing up/ school runs etc. I would write a list of everything that needs doing and put your name against all the stuff you do now. Give it to him and say this is why I am knackered - what are you now going to take off me? If its in black and white he cannot argue with that.

If there is no engagement then he won’t change- and you need to think about whether you can carry on with him. Do not give up your job - do not contribute more in sept and do not give your pension details away, while you sort this out.

Quite frankly, and I really don't say this lightly but as someone who has been there,if you left him your life would actually be a lot easier in so many ways, even work.

If you stay you will just resent him more and more as time goes by, because you never ever forget when the person who should have had your back through the hardest times actually chose to ignore your struggles instead. If he doesn't see he needs to do more now, then he never will.

It’s really tough OP! I think in a way harder if you’ve worked PT before because you know life can be slightly (only slightly!) easier - I’ve worked FT after both mine so it’s all I’ve known!
The key IMO is having a partner who pulls their weight. My DD’s both want me to settle them at night/do bedtime etc - so I would say I do 90% of the childcare plus “mental load” stuff like doctors/dentist/clothes/clubs etc etc but my partner does 90% of the cooking/cleaning/wadhing/gardening and that is the only way we can get our house to vaguely run with two small children and two adults both working FT. Don’t get me wrong we both feel like we have it the worst and it absolutely isn’t perfect, but it does mean that usually the house is clean, the washing is done and the kids are looked after without one person killing themselves trying to do it all!

Well start that this week. Take the time off to get your cleaning hours increased. The shopping delivery delivered every week when dh is here to unpack and put it away. Sorting out how much help you need to survive this.

I would be questioning the value of staying in this marriage too. For now, put everything in place to prevent a meltdown/burn out. Take this weekend off, he can do it all. Go to bed and rest.

Oh now I’ve seen this I e changed my mind slightly - what would make your life easier is not tiptoeing around your “D”H!

You can add financial abuse to his list of endearing traits too then ... Please fin your self worth my dear girl, you deserve so much more than this from a life partner... He does ot care about you at all does he, let him go.

In your shoes I would:

• discuss flexible options with workplace, and check their carers leave policy. As others have said, this is nothing to do with DH, you do you.
• tell DH he needs to step up or you're heading for a failed marriage
• I would not be making a big list, that just adds to your workload. If he can't see what needs doing then his adulting skills need work and that's on him. Decide what things you are willing to be responsible for and make it clear to him that he needs to do everything else.
• increase the cleaners hours, include laundry and ironing. Personally I haven't ironed anything in 20 years. I only buy stuff that can be tumble dried and won't need ironing. If it's mostly work shirts for DH he can do it himself or take shirts to the dry cleaners, his expense. Also large capacity washing machine and tumble dryer, or double up if you have the space.
• online food shopping. You can save a basket and have the same delivery every week. Ocado do a cheap midweek delivery pass.
• workout/schedule time for yourself in the week for some self care. A peaceful walk, a bit of reading or even a snooze. No interruptions.
• night on night off childcare with DH. The kids will need to learn that he can comfort them too, he's currently not doing anything to move them towards that. They want you because you are both reinforcing that idea by giving that all the time
• I take it your finances are separate from what you've said. Make sure that the extra expenses for the kids are also split equally. Too many mums just end up paying for everything because they're doing the majority of the shopping and life admin.
• outsource anything else you can, find trusted babysitters and childminders.

I was going to suggest reading Fair Play, which is aimed at rebalancing the household workload between partners especially those with children, and trying the method with your husband. It can’t hurt and sounds like you desperately need more support.

I’m not sure if taking time away from a job you love & financial security is the answer… but appreciate you’re at a breaking point and something needs to change.

I just wanted to offer solidarity. I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and work full time in a very demanding, senior role. God it’s hard! Unrelenting and impossible. It really does feel like survival.
I pretty much just work. In the house or at work. The moment I walk in it’s dinner, washing, tidying, bags for the next day, bath, school books, food planning, online shops etc etc etc.
The kicker is feeling like you half arse everything even tho you pretty much work non stop. You can have it all but you have to do it all….
I console myself with the fact it will get easier. ‘This too shall pass’.

I’m hearing a lot of me me me doing and very little us us us.

Your children have two parents !

Your home has 4 people in it , making a mess. He doesn’t get out of clearing up after himself and the beautiful children he helped bring into the world.

Your H is being unreasonable

You BOTH WORK full time. You both share equal child care responsibility. Why is he leaving all the worry about holiday care to you?

It is physically unsustainable for you to work full time and do all the household tasks as well.
Mortgage and utilities don’t equate to an equal split & his obsession with money doesn’t sound healthy.

Write down everY thing you di with timing and do the same for him.
Then sit him down for a serious talk.
Marriages split for issues like this and it needs resolving.
He’s being very lazy and selfish

Oh OP he sounds awful. Divorce him. You’re doing it all anyway.

It sounds relentless. Something needs to give. Sit down with DH, write down all the options and then decide how best to move forwards. You can't go on like this....

Thanks for all the messages. Finally finished work, and I have a temperature and chesty cough now myself feeling very rough 😓caught from the children no doubt.

Hopefully tonight will be better and can rest and recoup a little.

You’re all right about something having to give. I know my judgment/mood will be a little clouded right now with no sleep, high stress and now coming down with something. I honestly just feel like I cannot go on.

thank you for all your support it means a lot

When your husband gets home from work why not tell him he is doing tonight (he can give the kids tea, put them to bed, respond to them in the night and get them up/to school - give him instructions re ear ache meds). You take yourself off to a Premier inn or similar - have a meal in the restaurant or a takeaway and get a nights sleep.

Give him a wake up call.

If you were to die OP this man would be raising your/his children alone. He can do one night when you are on your knees with exhaustion.

After reading your updates, for Christ sake don't leave your job. Leave your husband instead. He isn't supporting you emotionally, practically or financially? WTF.

I sound flippant but I don't mean to be. Start your negotiations at 50/50 custody.