I am struggling big time

[Itsastrugglingmum]

Sorry for posting here. It’s late & I guess I thought this would have the most traffic.

I went back to work full time 3 months ago. I have DC6 & DC3 and have worked part time/self employed since having them until this job now.

honestly I’m sinking into a depression and I just don’t know what to so.

it’s impossible to juggle it all. For the last month it’s been back to back illnesses between the two. I’m currently sat is DC6s room as they’ve woken genuinely about 15 times already this evening with a cough and earache. They only went back to school today after being off most of last week with a sickness bug. Before that DC3 was on/off nursery with a temperate and ear infection for the best part of 10 days.

I haven’t had a full night sleep in months as DC3 gets in our bed even when they’re not ill.

they’re on different schedules no matter what we try, one is a night owl and we struggle to get them to sleep before 9-10pm and the other wakes us up before 6am every morning.

that’s before we even think about school holidays, no holiday clubs that don’t cost thousands for the summer run 9-5 everyday. Most are only odd weeks and finish at 4pm.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel desperate. DH helps but the kids still want me. The house is trashed constantly. Piles of clean washing I just don’t know when I’ll ever have time to put away.

we have no family that can help, my mum died a few years ago and I have no contact with my dad. DHs parents have the kids occasionally for a weekend but aren’t local or in good enough health to do more than that.

I just want to quit 😭 I love the job but I just don’t know what to do - I worry for my future prospects too

thanks for reading if you got this far I guess I just wanted a handhold and to see if anyone else has been through similar

Blimey that's a bad run, good luck with meetings today.

If your DH actually loves you and values you and wants you working full time then he needs to step the fuck up.

I would stay full time and put a rocket up his arse.

You love your job, love your kids so he needs to do 50/50, you don't need to be his manager as well you just need to tell him you are breaking under the pressure.

What this will do long term is break your marriage and you will stack resentment and loose all respect for him. In 4-5 years when you are on the other side you'll start to get angry about his lack of support.

I was in your exact position running a business with 6 staff, kids your age, up at nights, running a house, why the heck I thought that was normal is anyone's guess but my DH just got under my feet and was frankly pathetic at supporting or recognising my stress.

I had a breakdown and finally the penny dropped with him, I was always sick developed chronic conditions and was a mess.

It was all resolved he stepped up and became a functioning adult, but 15 years on I still question wtf was he thinking, how did he not see me, how did he still want sex, why the hell did I let that happen. I can't ever wrap my head around these men that love their wives but will happy watch them break in full sight without so much as a "are you ok"

I go against the grain, and stay full time, stick out the job, and have a very frankly very angry and brutal chat with DH and get mad, get angry, get upset, show him you are not coping and fingers crossed he's a decent one who's just being a bit dumb and not an utter arsehole.

Personally I'd quit, I don't say that lightly. I did the same when kids were little as it was too much to juggle for a while. As I'm a PT health is everything for me and I knew I'd end up with adrenal fatigue or similar simply by overwhelming my physiology (inevitable)-like you there were a couple of ongoing sickness issues (now resolved) with one of my kids when small, and I remember juggling that with sleep cycles, nursery, all the usual and there just wasn't enough of me to go round.

There's only so much your body can take before you crash and you're on your way there, it's not about resilience it's just the basics of biology and how the body works. I'd say if you can, take a career break. I did and long term didn't affect me at all. I know industries are different but just speaking from my own perspective it was totally the right call.

It's so tough op. For every thread on here where we are told it's relatively straightforward to juggle very young DC, broken sleep and a full work load, and we all should be able to manage, and we are being "perfectionist martyrs" if we can't, there are hundreds of threads where, in reality, women are finding it very challenging. So don't be harsh on yourself. What you are experiencing is very normal. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

May I suggest that if your DC are mainly turning to you in the 'night, or when when they are ill, than your DH isn't doing enough child care on ordinary days and nights when they are well.

Is your DH stressing about childcare cover for the summer holidays as much as you are? If not, that is another indication that he is not sufficiently involved.

Can you get him to see the problem? Write down every single task that you do for a month, however small, and then write them all out in a list and distribute them more evenly. You shouldn't have to "manage" him this way but he needs to know everything that needs doing and he needs to know that you're struggling and you can't cope with the status quo for much longer. Present it not as a debate but as a straightforward "I cannot not carry on like this and here's why". He's being ridiculous if he thinks you can do the majority of housework and childcare and still maintain the same work hours.

So if he doesn't do well shouldering the financial burden alone (and I would love to know how him "not doing well" manifests itself) then he needs to step up more on the domestic front to allow you to freelance. The reality is that most men take their foot off the pedal even more though when their wife is at home more than them, so be very, very careful op how you negotiate and set up the distribution of tasks. It's usually better when both parties cut their hours and both do more in the home. Again though, a lot of men don't crack on sufficiently with domestic tasks when at home, and waste the extra time.

I was very lucky, and my dh did equal if not more nights than me when the DC were young, despite having a full on serious professional job. And he took on the majority of the supermarket shopping and cooking plus car stuff and bins. Plus half of the school runs. He arranged his own work to make sure that he could do this without me asking. He just took on the responsibility. It's those things that made all the difference in the world to me and enabled me to do the rest of the bulk of the domestic and childcare tasks during the day while working PT.

Oh Op, I feel you 😩 I work full time over 3 long days/nights. The hours themselves are exhausting and I constantly drop balls with life and school admin. I’m trying to drop to 2 days as I’m a single parent and I can’t keep up with the random childcare hours. Solidarity

Yeah husbands never EVER see that when a wife goes back to work, the mother ends up with TWO JOBS and a fuck load of extra stress. It’s relentless and if you drop the ball, everything falls into chaos so fast. I remember my husband and I arguing over who should take a day off when our son was sick, it wasn’t our finest parenting moment, and that conversation was the reason I didn’t go back after number 2.

I’m a SAHM, I worked FT after my first child but then quit……it was too much strain and we were able to do without the second salary. Now my kids are in school full time, I do go to the gym every day while they’re at school BUT the rest of the time is focussed on domestic tasks. I’m an efficient and energetic person and looking after it all takes time, I have no idea how two full time parents manage. Having been there, I wouldn’t go back unless I really had to.

OP, your kids are tiny, try and stay at home more/longer if you can. Your husbands resentment shouldn’t really come into it. I can see why you’re completely stressed out…. Having it all doesn’t mean DOING it all .

You have a DH problem.
He needs to do more.

Do not give up work, this is your pension and protection if you split.

I see this time and again, women being SAHM then being surprised they have a shit pension or no way of supporting a household when they divorce.

Get the cleaner in twice a week, laundry service and get your DH to pull his bloody weight.

Or threaten to divorce him and do 50/50 I can guarantee you he wouldn't want that. Taking full responsibility for the DC half the time.

Your DH needs to do a LOT more. I'm so angry at him on your behalf.

I know you say DCs just want you. Two thoughts to try:

1. for DC2 coming into your bed, can you get a bigger bed so that there is room for the three of you?
2. for DC1 (or either poorly child), practice one night on/one night off. We did this when our DCs were tiny. Whoever was 'on' did all the night wakings for that night. This meant the other one got a proper night's sleep. Swap over the next night.

Once you are getting some sleep you will feel better.

No excuses for DH, he takes a proper share of the load. It doesn't matter if he doesn't hear DCs in the night, you wake him up on the night when it is his turn.

Keeping the house clean and tidy is also his responsibility. It doesnt matter if he 'doesn't see' that things need cleaning, he cleans them anyway.

If I’m honest he’s not supportive at all really. When it comes to life admin and the house and kids.

He sorts the mortgage and utilities, I’m responsible for everything else. Food shop (another thing to fit into my days), house, childcare, car, insurances, phones.

if I say I’m struggling he honestly doesn’t seem to care just says we both are

I suggested seeing if I can condense my hours this morning and got met with ‘no just get through it why have you started this morning’

I’ve had about 3 hours sleep 🙃 I’ve tried to tell him multiple times I’m at breaking point and just get met with tough basically

He’s not once read DC6s school book or done one of the weekly homework’s with him. It’s the things like that just seem to be invisible to him.

Ok, so time to inconvenience him big time. When you tackle the clean laundry, fold and put away yours and DCs and leave his in a pile. Then do the same with the washing - leave his. A man like this needs to experience the problem himself. Stop letting him get away with it.

Food shop - get what you need for the basic cooking and snacks you and DC like - and nothing for him.

This could be said to be petty - but it is the only way to deal with a man who knows the situation and appears to not care less.

Well you have to make a decision as this can’t continue as you know.Firstly you need to talk and tell him if he wants to stay married then life is going to change now. For the now can the cleaner do a couple more hours and an online shop.Simple meals if your DH wants something more complicated he prepares it.Stop doing the admin that is his ie his phone his washing etc.Make a stand.See if you can reduce your hours soon.Your relationship sounds on its last legs is this so? Stay strong and good luck.

In light of your latest posts, I would be very careful in quitting your job and giving up your financial independence. Your marriage doesn’t sound very healthy and in the event of a break up, you will be left without any financial stability. You seem to have a husband problem rather than a problem with handling childcare and a job. I would address that first. Giving up your job will leave you very vulnerable.

So he's skiving basically.

Sorting a mortgage and utilities is hardly a regular chore. It's not like he has to carry the cash to the bank or pump water up from the well!

He is just seeing everything else as 'not his job'. Have you asked him why he thinks these things aren't his responsibility?

If this were employment he would have been on Personal Improvement Plan by now with a strong sense that the job centre was beckoning.

That's rubbish of him try talking again later and just tell him you need to be home more for the kids

@LoveWine123 I completely agree and don’t think I want to be financially dependant on him.

im just at a point where it’s sort of, how did I get here? Is this it? This is life now?

I love my children dearly but my god is it hard work (and I think some of that is my own fault for being a bit of a doormat to be honest)

It’s Weaponised incompetence in a form @Itsastrugglingmum…what we old he to if you weren’t there!! He is more than capable! What does he do for work?

Yeah you’ve got a DH problem. Don’t subsidise his leisure time by giving up work and pension, etc!

I asked last week for help with the washing as it’s the most time consuming thing and if he took on more of that alone would help and he sort of nodded but of course has done nothing.

I’m fed up of feeling like second class citizen living on his terms to be honest.

Another example is the reason I took this job is because my freelance work dried up for a couple months. Rather than help with ‘my share’ of the bills he told me to figure it out. Our DC3 moves from private nursery to a preschool attached in to a school in September saving me around £1000 a month, and he’s asked if I’ll be giving him money towards utility and mortgage! As it should be ‘proportionate’ - except when I wasn’t earning and ending up maxing my (small) credit card and overdraft just to stay afloat.

this thread has ended up both sad and therapeutic. Gosh what a mess.

He also had the audacity to ask me what my retirement pension plan was the other day - as I need to be able to afford it (not ‘we’ need to be able to afford it). No idea how I sleep walked into this

Sounds like divorce is your answer. He'll have the kids 50% of the time and you can get some rest!

Keep the job. Otherwise youre stuck in your marriage forever to someone who doesnt even want to listen to you. Tell your husband that your share of jobs is not OK, its going to lead to a breakdown, and if he doesn't step up then the resentment will lead to a break up and you'll actually feel better as you'll have every other weekend and a night in the week to rest. Sit down and draw up a list of all the jobs that there are to do outside work and the frequency. And ask him to work with you to allocate them more equally. Or just agree to agree on the day, as long as you are both spending the same time on the job (and putting the kids to bed counts)

The kids wouldn't always want you if he was an equally involved dad.

I have no regular family help (family live an hour away), me and my husband both travel with work. It only works (just about) because we are a complete team and pick up whatever the other one can't (one of us will see the other has put washing in and hang it, the other will see washing is hung and dry and fold it etc) and he is supportive of my career and values what I do at home.

Why the fuck do you have to worry about when the laundry gets put away, when you have another functioning adult living with you who gets up to 2x more sleep than you every night?

I would quit your job and look for something part-time/freelance as you can't carry on like this.

Or maybe, would your current workplace be sympathetic if you suggest a jobshare?

I would also speak to your husband and make it clear he needs to step up as well and take more responsibilities when it comes to the kids and the house.

You are where you are with your absolute shit of a husband. I can't imagine how deeply angry and disappointed you are with him. The point is none of us really know what our dhs will be like until we are in this position.

If he loved and cared for you, he would not be putting you through this op. I am so angry for you.

You have said you want to protect your career as at some point you might call time on the marriage if it continues like this.

So you only have one option.

You increase the cleaning hours now to three hours each visit, three times a week to include ALL laundry and ironing, tidying up - everything. You have nowhere near enough help op. You split the cost two ways with lazy dh.

Pass over the food shopping or simply order something like hello fresh or cook every week.

Condense your hours today if you can - you don't need to ask his fucking permission. You do what you need to do to make this manageable for you.

Book at least four hours off each weekend solely for you.

You need to become far more demanding and instructive. This man is not going to wake up and suddenly care about you. You are going to have to instruct and insist he pulls his weight, he looks after his own children or you get a divorce. I would not hold back in explaining to him just what is at stake now.

Having read your updates, only quit your job or reduce your hours if you're sure that your marriage is solid and that finances are shared (you won't be financially penalised eg expected to still pay 'your share' from a much smaller pot). Or reduce marginally (eg 4 days or 4.5 days) so you can keep on top of the basics but it won't affect your career