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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving house to step-daughter?

383 replies

IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:15

Hi all, I have one step-daughter, no biological children (could never have any). My step-daughter is 27, she got married last summer, and is expecting her first baby. Her dad and I got together when she was 10 (her mum passed away when she was 7), we married when she was 16 and have been together happily since.

Before her dad and I married I had a 3 bed semi, we live in the North but it recently got valued at £300,000. We have been renting it out since I moved in here 12 years ago. The money has funded mostly my pension and odds and ends here. I'm a primary teacher though so have a good pension as it is.

SD and her husband have been saving really hard for a house, they earn well, she in the civil service and he in finance, but they work in London and obviously it is expensive. She had about £150,000 from her mum (-uni costs, wedding costs etc.) and they are saving.
Currently the house I had is to be split between my niece and nephew when I die, the house I live in now will go to step-daughter when both dad and I pass.

To me my step-daughter is my own, I was never able to have children of my own and I think she is incredible, so smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I hate seeing her struggle to build the deposit for a nice house, in a nice area with a garden which is all she really wants. I've been thinking maybe it is time I sell the house and give her the profit, obviously it would up there deposit massively. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she and her DH had earned it but they are lovely, kind, hardworking people.

I told my husband and he said that it would be a lovely thing to do but no pressure as it is mine. My mum and dad think it would be a horrendous idea.

AIBU to consider this?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
popcornalto · 06/07/2024 13:56

You sound like a lovely person but....
first, take care of yourself.
There is no guarantee in the future that your husband will be around to take care of you, or that your stepdaughter will take care of you.

Do not sell the house. Your stepdaughter is only 27. She has money, she is doing well, she has a husband who works in finance. You do not need to hand her a house on a plate. They can figure it out themselves to get on the property ladder, and they already have savings.

I wonder if you are thinking of making this extremely generous gesture to get validation from her ?

If you give her the money, the money is tied in in the house as bricks and mortar. If she she ever separate with her husband, the money is tied up in the house. It surely would be better that you keep your house, or sell it and invest it, and if she ever needed money to survive on, she has you to fall back .

The house is yours. Keep it for yourself. Your stepdaughter has two sets of grandparents to fall back on, and her father.

You have no one. Keep the house because if something happens that you need the money, it is there for you to use for yourself and your husband e.g. if he falls ill etc.

And you have senior parents. Who knows if they fall ill and you need emergency money.
Your step daughter does not need to move into the dream home now.

Thelittleweasel · 06/07/2024 14:05

@IsMadl

While it may be a wonderful idea [and it may be dealt with somewhere on this post] do please remember that you may be liable for Capital Gains Tax.

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2024 14:16

Op please do protect yourself. Who's idea was it to pay for all childcare? You're a primary teacher and they both have good jobs far outearning you. It could cost well over 1k a month. Sorry but it does rather smack of you wanting to be 'best grandma ever'.

Mumwiththingstodo · 06/07/2024 14:19

This is such a good point.

coupdetonnerre · 06/07/2024 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Manthide · 06/07/2024 14:28

Maybe put the rent you are currently getting for the house in a separate savings account and when dd is ready to move give her the lump sum and perhaps agree for her to have the income from the house but you still retain title. You could agree that she'll get the income for a fixed term eg 10 years - this would likely cover childcare costs but if you need to release capital for your own use you could sell the house.

Mummyto2rugrats · 06/07/2024 14:42

I think @Shelby2010 has a very good point and I would say the same if it's worth £300k sell offer £200k to step daughter invest £100k and have that written into your will should any remain and you have not personally had to use for whatever reason it goes to neice and nephew

Babydaddy1978 · 06/07/2024 15:16

IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:15

Hi all, I have one step-daughter, no biological children (could never have any). My step-daughter is 27, she got married last summer, and is expecting her first baby. Her dad and I got together when she was 10 (her mum passed away when she was 7), we married when she was 16 and have been together happily since.

Before her dad and I married I had a 3 bed semi, we live in the North but it recently got valued at £300,000. We have been renting it out since I moved in here 12 years ago. The money has funded mostly my pension and odds and ends here. I'm a primary teacher though so have a good pension as it is.

SD and her husband have been saving really hard for a house, they earn well, she in the civil service and he in finance, but they work in London and obviously it is expensive. She had about £150,000 from her mum (-uni costs, wedding costs etc.) and they are saving.
Currently the house I had is to be split between my niece and nephew when I die, the house I live in now will go to step-daughter when both dad and I pass.

To me my step-daughter is my own, I was never able to have children of my own and I think she is incredible, so smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I hate seeing her struggle to build the deposit for a nice house, in a nice area with a garden which is all she really wants. I've been thinking maybe it is time I sell the house and give her the profit, obviously it would up there deposit massively. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she and her DH had earned it but they are lovely, kind, hardworking people.

I told my husband and he said that it would be a lovely thing to do but no pressure as it is mine. My mum and dad think it would be a horrendous idea.

AIBU to consider this?

NBU

consider capital gains tax implications as this is no longer your main residence. I would consult a tax advisor to see if there is a better way to transact eg gift the property to your SD and they sell it (not a tax advisor so not sure if they is even possible but there may well be a legit way to avoid some/all CGT

PloddingAlong21 · 06/07/2024 15:21

I wouldn’t give her anything right now, simply because care costs are sky high so you/your husband may need it and can use that without selling your joint home together. If you need help and don’t have financial means then what?

leave you’re share in your will to your step daughter though, she’s more ‘family’ than niece and nephew anyway, you’ve basically raised her.

Getonwitit · 06/07/2024 16:35

What a lovely person you sound. I wish i could do the same for all of my Stepchildren but as i have 3 of them and 3 of my own it won't be possible. Go on do it after all she is your family.

VeryHappyBunny · 06/07/2024 16:58

Another point is that if everything is handed out on a plate and the stepdaughter gets her dream home at 27, what have she and her husband got to work towards. Part of the pleasure of owning something is knowing you got it through your own endeavours. Its lovely to give and receive gifts and if and when they move offer to help towards redecorating costs or giving the garden a makeover, whatever is needed, but can someone truly say that something is theirs if another person paid for it.

When I bought my first house my parents gave me the deposit, it was only £5,000 and a long time ago when you could still buy a big Victorian 3 bed terrace for well under £20K, but when I sold it I gave them back the money. Other things like a new fridge freezer I bought on interest free finance and when it was paid off it was a great sense of achievement. I have simple tastes and am probably easily pleased. Irrespective of the sums of money involved the principle is still the same.

It would be a different matter if they were living in a pokey, damp bed-sit surrounded by crack dens and brothels, but from what you have said they have a nice home in a good area and staying there for a few more years to save their own money isn't necessarily a bad thing.

She doesn't sound entitled but if relatives keep giving her large amounts of money she may start to expect it. My sister is like that and my Dad was a soft touch. When he died and I told her there wouldn't be any more money coming her way she chucked an absolute strop. There just wasn't the money to be had. I was the one who gave up their job to look after our mother, she and her husband carried on working. So don't risk her turning into an avaricious money grubber as she seems to be a lovely girl. Maybe relatives are giving her money to somehow compensate for losing her mother at such a young age and as you have brought her up as your own you should absolutely give her the money when the time comes, but really not many people expect to get their inheritance before the giver has died.

Whatever you decide to do I hope everything works out for the best and I am sure you will be a great Grandma.

IndigoLaFaye · 06/07/2024 17:27

Your SD absolutely is privileged as she has advantages in life that others do not have, earned or not it’s still privilege. However she doesn’t sound entitled, everyone has dreams and it’s not like she’s asked for you to give her your house.
I think it’s a lovely idea and many on here are just jealous

Mimimimi1234 · 06/07/2024 18:13

I would remortgage it to get some equity out to give to her then keep it rented out. Then split it in the will three ways. That way you get the money twice to gift.

Volpini · 06/07/2024 18:44

Shelby2010 · 02/07/2024 00:50

Perhaps a compromise would be to give SD £200,000 from the sale of the house. Invest the other £100,000 as a back up should you need it, but if you don’t use it, it goes to your niece & nephew.

Came here to say this. And props to you for being such an incredible step parent. As someone who was resented by my own, I really applaud the love, care and respect you have given your step daughter.

RebeccaRabbit123 · 06/07/2024 20:05

I honestly believe the people telling you that you are delusional, not her mum, not going to be grandparent to her children, selfish, entitled etc etc are quite simply jealous of the opportunity you have to help your stepdaughter out.
absolutely vile comments. It is a lovely gesture, I’m not entirely convinced SD would even accept it as they likely have a plan and wouldn’t want to take that sum of money off you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/07/2024 20:18

How lovely to read a positive loving step parent thread

She is your family. She may not be blood related but you brought her up as sadly her mum died

You have a great relationship with her and that's lovely

I can't beleive your parents think it's a bad idea

I assume they Havnt called theirselves nanny /grandad to sd 🥲

Your niece and nephew have their own parents to inherit from

TheSilentSister · 06/07/2024 21:03

I agree that your parents have told your N&N parents.
I wouldn't put all the 'eggs in one basket'. If you want to help your SD, why not sell the house, give her an amount and put the rest is savings, in case YOU need it or leave to N&N/Hubby/SD in your will

FoodieToo · 06/07/2024 21:31

There is no way I would do this . She is hardly struggling !! She has/had 150 k and her husband has a good job .

You can leave it to her after your death if you wish but for now , protect yourself .

PissedOff2020 · 06/07/2024 23:04

IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:15

Hi all, I have one step-daughter, no biological children (could never have any). My step-daughter is 27, she got married last summer, and is expecting her first baby. Her dad and I got together when she was 10 (her mum passed away when she was 7), we married when she was 16 and have been together happily since.

Before her dad and I married I had a 3 bed semi, we live in the North but it recently got valued at £300,000. We have been renting it out since I moved in here 12 years ago. The money has funded mostly my pension and odds and ends here. I'm a primary teacher though so have a good pension as it is.

SD and her husband have been saving really hard for a house, they earn well, she in the civil service and he in finance, but they work in London and obviously it is expensive. She had about £150,000 from her mum (-uni costs, wedding costs etc.) and they are saving.
Currently the house I had is to be split between my niece and nephew when I die, the house I live in now will go to step-daughter when both dad and I pass.

To me my step-daughter is my own, I was never able to have children of my own and I think she is incredible, so smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I hate seeing her struggle to build the deposit for a nice house, in a nice area with a garden which is all she really wants. I've been thinking maybe it is time I sell the house and give her the profit, obviously it would up there deposit massively. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she and her DH had earned it but they are lovely, kind, hardworking people.

I told my husband and he said that it would be a lovely thing to do but no pressure as it is mine. My mum and dad think it would be a horrendous idea.

AIBU to consider this?

I’m a step mum - my ss was 1 when I got with his dad. That was 20 years ago - he has a mum and stepdad as well.
my husband and I had 3 more children together. So there are 4.
I used to want to give more to my biological children on the basis my ss would get from his mum… so felt it would be unfair. I wanted my share split differently ti my husbands.

I’ve changed my mind in the last few years or so. I don’t know why I changed, I really don’t know, but it feels wrong to not do it fairly.I want it all splitting equally between the 4 of them. He’s my son, that’s the bottomline. Sounds like you’re the same situation, except there’s no other children to complicate anything. You do what feels right.

Lotty101 · 06/07/2024 23:12

Unless your parents contributed significantly to your buying the house they have no say. Even then, if any contribution was a gift they would be skating on thin ice! Your house, that you paid for, completely up to you to decide what you want to do with it. Your parents suck for not seeing your SD as a granddaughter - I would get it if she came into their lives as an adult but she was a child when you came into her life and she’s your family. You sound like a very different person to your parents. (And I mean that as a positive)

AA23 · 06/07/2024 23:43

This sounds very generous and kind. And a great way of setting up your step daughter/grandchild for life. But you need to get legal and tax advice. By selling the property you will have to pay CGT. By giving the money to them - they will have to declare it as income (it’s above gift threshold) so they will have to pay income tax on it (given the amount you are talking 50% rate!!). Then, if your SD divorces- her husband gets half which could then get given to whom ever he chooses - new wife/other children. So I would strongly suggest you also get legal advice. I know you are wanting to set up your grandchild so you need to think worst case scenario… so proof check your plan.

Citystim · 07/07/2024 00:47

There will be Capital Gains to pay on the house if you choose to sell, if it’s left in you’re will to SD there won’t be any. Only inheritance tax if above a certain amount.
you need to live 7yrs past you’re gifting any money else it will be included in you’re inheritance.
SD is classed as direct descendant and anything left to her in your will has a higher threshold for amount left. Neices & Newphews don’t count as direct descendants.
you can get a free consultation with any solicitor who can outline this & more regarding you’re estate - now or when u pass. Might help make decisions clearer.

yaddayaddayah · 07/07/2024 21:55

I think there are some very jealous people on this thread, OP, and that you are truly lovely.

do what feels right for you - I know I absolutely will not be donating our inheritance to charity but making a better life for my children, which is what most loving parents do.

i truly wish you all, all the best. You all sound very lovely 💕

Justanothermum42 · 07/07/2024 21:59

What a lovely thing to do. Ignore your parents. She is your child in your eyes and that’s all that matters. You are a great human xx

Tricho · 07/07/2024 22:00

Niece and nephew will inherit from grandparents and parents. Don't give them a second thought