Giving house to step-daughter?

[IsMadl]

Hi all, I have one step-daughter, no biological children (could never have any). My step-daughter is 27, she got married last summer, and is expecting her first baby. Her dad and I got together when she was 10 (her mum passed away when she was 7), we married when she was 16 and have been together happily since.

Before her dad and I married I had a 3 bed semi, we live in the North but it recently got valued at £300,000. We have been renting it out since I moved in here 12 years ago. The money has funded mostly my pension and odds and ends here. I'm a primary teacher though so have a good pension as it is.

SD and her husband have been saving really hard for a house, they earn well, she in the civil service and he in finance, but they work in London and obviously it is expensive. She had about £150,000 from her mum (-uni costs, wedding costs etc.) and they are saving.
Currently the house I had is to be split between my niece and nephew when I die, the house I live in now will go to step-daughter when both dad and I pass.

To me my step-daughter is my own, I was never able to have children of my own and I think she is incredible, so smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I hate seeing her struggle to build the deposit for a nice house, in a nice area with a garden which is all she really wants. I've been thinking maybe it is time I sell the house and give her the profit, obviously it would up there deposit massively. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she and her DH had earned it but they are lovely, kind, hardworking people.

I told my husband and he said that it would be a lovely thing to do but no pressure as it is mine. My mum and dad think it would be a horrendous idea.

AIBU to consider this?

This is all lovely but your daughter could look in slightly cheaper areas of London, servicing that amount of debt would stress me out a lot. We have a higher household income, are older and bought a less expensive house than either of those.

And this is why we need to push back on wicked step mother ideas. How lovely of you, and what a testament to real love which is not only based on blood relations.

Lovely thing to do. My step dad is very similar, never had children, treats me and my children as his own, pays my children dividends out his family trust fund twice a year just like his brothers grandchildren get. One of his brothers did make a fuss about them not being blood relatives but he soon shut them down. I think it would be sensible to maybe give SD half the profit from the house or £200k, just so you have a lovely safety net which she or your niece/ nephew will benefit from at your passing.

Ahhh, OP, this is lovely. I have a SS12 and have been in his life since 1.5 years old. I had a house I sold to buy the house we (me and his father) currently own when we married. My nephews will get some money each should I pass, but the house will go to DH and/or his son. His mum is still very much alive, but I love him like my own having had no children of my own either so feel the same as you, he’s a fantastic kid. I think it’s wonderful.

Dd2 and her dh bought their first home a couple of years ago - she was 28 and he was 30 - when they were expecting their first baby. It was £1.5 million and needed completely gutting. They expect it will be their forever home.

Think of the worst scenario. After selling and giving the money to your stepdaughter, you get divorced (for whatever reason, it happens). Would you regret selling your house?

Ditto, I agree with this. Talking about not wanting to raise her child in a flat????
Irrespective of the past circumstances, your SD seems very privileged. I am pleased that you have had a happy life together and your SD is now happily married; wonderful news all around. The financial position of your SD is extremely privileged. I fully understand that you consider her your own and love her as such; that is perfectly understandable.
She is your daughter. How close are you to your niece and nephew and what is their financial predicament? .
Of course it is your money and your decision. Ultimately, it comes down to you.
Wishing you well in making your decision, irrespective of your parents' views

Can I just say, that regardless of whether you give your child money towards her house or not, you are a wonderful step mother. I am sure that her mother would have been so relieved that if she absolutely had to go, that her daughter, who I’m sure she loved so much, got someone who loves her like you have and do. Your post has been so lovely to read and I know you are not sure what is happening ref their need for deposit help, but you are a wonderful parental influence and she is incredibly lucky to have you, as are you to have her. As far as I can see, you may not have parented a baby but you have done your best for a child from 10 and up and I hope you have the best summers with your grand baby - whether they have a trampoline in a nice London street or not!!

This sounds like a lovely idea. My stepdad treats me like his daughter and my children are his grandchildren, biology doesn’t come into it. Anything he can do to help and make my life easier he does! I sometimes think people take the ‘step’ definition the wrong way, just because they aren’t a blood relation doesn’t mean they aren’t family. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship x

Just coming back again to say to OP you don’t know what the future holds. No way would I part with that sort of money.

Having seen the horror of the NHS today and social care, god forbid that you might need assistance one day and not have enough.

Or that your DH gets dementia and lives for 20 years in a home. Do you have any, ANY idea at all of the cost of that? Complete madness if you ask me…

Hi OP
You sound like a lovely caring person do do what you feel is best.

My two pence worth is do not give up your asset or sell the house and give away the cash as you may need it later in life. I say the same if she was your DD or your SD.

Families can fall out and you do not want a situation where you gave the cash but need support in the future and do not receive it.

If you need money in an emergency for private health care would DS sell the house partly funded by you and downsize to give you money? Answer is NO.

SD is doing well for herself and you can leave the house to her / her and your niece and nephew as you choose on passing.

Also you mention the below quote in a previous post:

I didn't know but when her maternal grandparents passed she got more inheritance and they have been saving and have around £100,000 of their own saved.

Which made me think if her DM is passed and your essentially like a Mum since she was little how were you not told / aware about about this inheritance from maternal grandparents?

Best wishes OP - you do you and what is comfortable amd seems the right thing for you.

I hope for his and your sake that your husband (or yourself) doesn't get dementia or spends ANY time in a home. I have just spent 18 months in a "care" home and it has been the worst 18 months of my life. My problem has been purely a physical one, ie unable to sit, stand or walk at first but purely because of my own efforts, and despite the best efforts of this place, I can now walk - more of an amble - but only on the flat and I am walking out of here next week, for good. For the dementia sufferers it is nothing short of a living hell. You just hope that they are not in physical pain and that they are too far gone to understand anything that is happening to them (or not). I urge everyone to future proof your lives to make sure you never have to come in to a place like this. If, in a few years time, I am told I can't live independently and will have to go into care I would honestly kill myself first. I am not a suicidal person and believe that life is for living but for so many they have no life, it is merely an existence. Whatever you do make sure you have enough money for care in your own home.

So many inmates/residents in a place like this, and I have been told by many visitors that this is not the worst they have been to, spend all day in their beds, some have TVs, some not, just staring at 4 walls and the ceiling. Those on the ground floor either have the world and his wife being able to see in through the windows or have to live in perpetual semi darkness with either the blinds or the curtains closed. Others are hoisted from their beds into wheeled armchairs and spend the day in God's waiting room sitting around in a vacant state while a silent TV shows some old black and white film from the 50s.

The food is dire and the noise is terrible with buzzers going off all day and night, I've been awake since 3am, so getting on for 24 hours and the woman in the next room is TALKING to herself. The woman in the room opposite communicates by banging a cup on the side of a table - that is due to start around 5am and the guy at the end of the corridor shouts NURSE, NURSE, NURSE etc etc etc, it is like Chinese water torture. It is sad and very tragic that this is the way many people end their lives, not what they would have chosen.

You cannot rely on blood relatives, I am in this predicament in no small part due to the couldn't care less attitude of some of mine. I have had some support from friends and the couple who run a local health food shop have done more to help me than any of my family.

So whatever you do with your money you must always have a contingency fund (if you can afford it) to keep yourselves out of these sort of places.

I absolutely wouldn't do it now. Fair enough to leave something in your will but not now.
You have no idea what your future holds, you might need expensive medical treatment, rest home care etc.
I'm not in UK but here if you need rest home care and you've deliberately deprived yourself of assets (which this would be) you'd be in a sticky situation.

@VeryHappyBunny thank you and I’m so very sorry you’ve been through all this. It’s a horror show and I also would prefer to die also than spend long in a place like this.

Dm had one to one care for last 18 months. Cost a fortune but she was well taken care of in her own home. Most people can’t afford that and she was very lucky.

Most people do end up in a place like you describe. If I have the money I would rather go to Dignitas.

I just hope assisted dying is available by the time it’s my turn. No one should have to sit in a home for years with the most horrendous quality of life. My mum did three weeks in a place like this and we nearly lost her.

I hope you continue to recover and get out soon.

People are pretty much 100% unaware of the cost of exiting this planet should you have a long slow exit. Maybe it’s a good thing. Ignorance is bliss.

I absolutely agree

😮 that sounds like absolute hell. It sounds like OP has a lot of choices though as her income is around the same as DSD’s take home pay (would be around £106,000 a year, and not much of that would come from renting out a £300k house so she can well afford to sell it).

Thank you. Happily I'm getting out next Wednesday, but I won't truly believe it until I've gone. I had a tiny budget of £100K to buy, refurbish, furnish and equip somewhere, so for me it is a park home but on the south coast and not too far from the sea. All my money went into looking after my Mum (I was her sole carer for 15 years) but at least she didn't have to come into somewhere awful like this. I know it will be a financial struggle, but compared to what I've got at the moment I will be living the dream!

I really wouldn't want to spend however long I've got left on Earth just lying around waiting for the sweet release of death.

As you say, you need a lot of money to look after yourself or your loved ones when they can no longer look after themselves due to illness or injury. Even very basic places like this can cost many hundreds of pounds per week, never mind the cost of private care in your own home or the thousands it costs to go to somewhere like Dignitas, and that is only if you are still capable of independent travel.

I cannot emphasise enough the need to look after your own future because you never know what it holds. If you had asked anyone who knew me 3+ years ago who was the very last person to end up in a place like this they would have said me. It surprised the hell out of me as well. I have never been truly ill in my life, only been in hospital once before and that was just to have my wisdom teeth out, and was so strong physically that a 25 kilo sack of bird food on my shoulder was no problem at all. I could pick up my Mum if I needed to and I ended up struggling to open a ring pull can of cat food.

You must, must, must make sure that you have enough money to look after yourselves in later life without having to resort to selling the family home. So if you have other assets, especially something that brings in revenue: property or shares for example, You really must hold on to them unless it is life-threateningly important to liquidate them.

When you make a will make sure the executors care about your wishes and have the beneficiaries' best interests at heart. My cousin couldn't have cared less about me and my situation, he actually told me so. He knew the sort of things I wanted from the house and what was mine, but he still got a clearance company in and everything went. I literally ended up with a cabin size case of clothes: a few pairs of jeans, t-shirts and a cardigan but no underwear, nightwear, shoes or coat not even a toothbrush. I did get to keep my record and cd collection but not the record player - so I will be able to look at them but not hear them? I don't have any personal stuff at all, jewellery, birth certificate, driving licence etc. it all went and to add insult to injury not only was this company paid to do the job (over 4 grand) they also kept a lot of my things which I have since seen on the website of a local auction house making them even more money - my things which I wanted being sold to make random strangers money. I'm not bitter but as the saying goes "don't get mad get even". I'm not even telling them I am leaving or where I am going.

So while it is lovely to be able to help out family members (yours, not mine), don't do it if it potentially leaves you in a parlous state.

Good luck @VeryHappyBunny i really do hope you regain your health and feel fully better. It sounds lovely what you have lined up. I hope so much it goes well for you.

Maybe the OP will take heed of our experiences.

Final note, DM’s cancer drug cost £5000 per month. Fortunately for us it was approved on the NHS around 9 months before she was diagnosed. We didn’t have to pay. It extended her life and in fact she did not die of stage 4 cancer. She died of something else as the cancer was well controlled.

However, had the drug not been approved we would have had the choice to buy it on from abroad for £5000 per month.

We would of course have done this. We loved DM with all our heart. The price for the time she was alive would have been over £100k. She was so worried for all the money she spent on staying alive, even just with the carers. This added cost would have caused so much stress it might have hastened her death. I’m glad we didn’t have to have that added stress to everything else that comes with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.

You never ever know when you will need money. Don’t imagine today represents your future, ever.

Thanks for that @Blackthorne, to be honest a cardboard box under a railway bridge would be an improvement, so a 44' park home will be luxury. I'm packing up my meagre possessions today and then sorting out the logistics of getting there, anyone know a man and a van?

Seriously thanks for your good wishes and remember if you are lucky enough to be gifted a small (huge) fortune that money doesn't buy you happiness, but at least you can be miserable in comfort.

It sounds like a generational thing perhaps with your parents (perhaps non seeing 'step' as truly family's) which is obviously out of date.

Or maybe they worry for you? If you were ever to divorce from your husband (none of us can ever tell the future), would you be entirely happy that step daughter had the money?

It sounds like as you love her as your own (and that's so wonderful especially after loving her biological mother so young), it wouldn't be an issue at all.

Good luck. Sounds like a lovely idea.

Loosing her mother, typo

i don’t think OP has said she’s retired. She’s mentioned working as a teacher and DH working in NHS. She says they have good pensions, not that they are currently accessing them.

This.

That's still a typo! 😂

Indeed haha, losing my mind with loose spelling and typos