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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving house to step-daughter?

383 replies

IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:15

Hi all, I have one step-daughter, no biological children (could never have any). My step-daughter is 27, she got married last summer, and is expecting her first baby. Her dad and I got together when she was 10 (her mum passed away when she was 7), we married when she was 16 and have been together happily since.

Before her dad and I married I had a 3 bed semi, we live in the North but it recently got valued at £300,000. We have been renting it out since I moved in here 12 years ago. The money has funded mostly my pension and odds and ends here. I'm a primary teacher though so have a good pension as it is.

SD and her husband have been saving really hard for a house, they earn well, she in the civil service and he in finance, but they work in London and obviously it is expensive. She had about £150,000 from her mum (-uni costs, wedding costs etc.) and they are saving.
Currently the house I had is to be split between my niece and nephew when I die, the house I live in now will go to step-daughter when both dad and I pass.

To me my step-daughter is my own, I was never able to have children of my own and I think she is incredible, so smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I hate seeing her struggle to build the deposit for a nice house, in a nice area with a garden which is all she really wants. I've been thinking maybe it is time I sell the house and give her the profit, obviously it would up there deposit massively. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she and her DH had earned it but they are lovely, kind, hardworking people.

I told my husband and he said that it would be a lovely thing to do but no pressure as it is mine. My mum and dad think it would be a horrendous idea.

AIBU to consider this?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
rubyroola · 02/07/2024 00:17

How lovely to see a positive step child story.

Lilacapples · 02/07/2024 00:18

Why are your parents against it? Have you already promised it to your niece and nephew?

Original poster
IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:21

Lilacapples · 02/07/2024 00:18

Why are your parents against it? Have you already promised it to your niece and nephew?

They don't think it is fair a non blood relative will get my house, they have never really taken to stepdaughter, didn't go to her wedding etc.
Niece and nephew have no idea it is currently going to them, nor do their parents. Only my husband and parents know the current plan.

OP posts:
ObliviousCoalmine · 02/07/2024 00:21

I would do this in, but I would do what I could to protect that sum for your step daughter if they were to divorce.

If, worst case scenario you and your husband divorced, what would you be left with? That's the only niggling concern.

Normalnot · 02/07/2024 00:21

You sound lovely. She’s been in your life 20 years and you love her dad. She’s lost her mum as a child which was tragic. You all get on really well and it would be a lovely thing to do.

I don’t know why your parents would be horrified - they sound ignorant.

The blood relative argument is a bit silly under these circumstances. You’re not a blood relative to your DH but I’m sure he’s more important to you than anyone else. It’s who you’re closest to I guess as well.

Original poster
IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:22

ObliviousCoalmine · 02/07/2024 00:21

I would do this in, but I would do what I could to protect that sum for your step daughter if they were to divorce.

If, worst case scenario you and your husband divorced, what would you be left with? That's the only niggling concern.

Half of the house we currently live in (valued around 600k, much bigger house), I am on the deeds etc.

OP posts:
Lilacapples · 02/07/2024 00:24

IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:21

They don't think it is fair a non blood relative will get my house, they have never really taken to stepdaughter, didn't go to her wedding etc.
Niece and nephew have no idea it is currently going to them, nor do their parents. Only my husband and parents know the current plan.

Show quote history

In that case if your niece and nephew don’t kind then absolutely help your step daughter out now. It’s nothing to do with your parents.

Rachie1973 · 02/07/2024 00:29

IsMadl · 02/07/2024 00:15

Hi all, I have one step-daughter, no biological children (could never have any). My step-daughter is 27, she got married last summer, and is expecting her first baby. Her dad and I got together when she was 10 (her mum passed away when she was 7), we married when she was 16 and have been together happily since.

Before her dad and I married I had a 3 bed semi, we live in the North but it recently got valued at £300,000. We have been renting it out since I moved in here 12 years ago. The money has funded mostly my pension and odds and ends here. I'm a primary teacher though so have a good pension as it is.

SD and her husband have been saving really hard for a house, they earn well, she in the civil service and he in finance, but they work in London and obviously it is expensive. She had about £150,000 from her mum (-uni costs, wedding costs etc.) and they are saving.
Currently the house I had is to be split between my niece and nephew when I die, the house I live in now will go to step-daughter when both dad and I pass.

To me my step-daughter is my own, I was never able to have children of my own and I think she is incredible, so smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I hate seeing her struggle to build the deposit for a nice house, in a nice area with a garden which is all she really wants. I've been thinking maybe it is time I sell the house and give her the profit, obviously it would up there deposit massively. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she and her DH had earned it but they are lovely, kind, hardworking people.

I told my husband and he said that it would be a lovely thing to do but no pressure as it is mine. My mum and dad think it would be a horrendous idea.

AIBU to consider this?

I think if your retirement is planned and it’s 100% your idea then I think it’s a lovely idea.

If you still wan to leave your niece and nephew something in the future then perhaps they can have a small bequest from your existing home, if you felt you’d want to.

TheSixQuarks · 02/07/2024 00:29

I think your SD sounds like a more natural recipient than your niece and nephew. Very lovely to read this angle on step-relationships.

Cornishpasty342 · 02/07/2024 00:31

What a lovely thing to do OP. It’s heartwarming to hear of a positive step-parent relationship. Your DPs sound unpleasant by their reaction. My uncle is adopted and therefore not a blood relative but we have never viewed him as anything but a family member and we would all be horrified if anyone took this view. I’m sorry your DPs don’t support your relationship with SD.

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 00:33

It's lovely, but also it doesn't sound like your SD is in a bad place financially if she received £150k. That's more than most people get.

Putting · 02/07/2024 00:35

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 00:33

It's lovely, but also it doesn't sound like your SD is in a bad place financially if she received £150k. That's more than most people get.

Most people don’t lose their mother at 7, thankfully.

I think helping her out sounds a lovely thing to do - and I agree with a previous poster that she sounds a more natural recipient than your niece and nephew.

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 00:42

Putting · 02/07/2024 00:35

Most people don’t lose their mother at 7, thankfully.

I think helping her out sounds a lovely thing to do - and I agree with a previous poster that she sounds a more natural recipient than your niece and nephew.

Show quote history

Yeah I wasn't making any reference to losing her Mum, I know that's an awful thing. I was just simply saying she isn't in a bad place financially, it's more of a deposit than most people have. Regardless of where it came from.

Shelby2010 · 02/07/2024 00:50

Perhaps a compromise would be to give SD £200,000 from the sale of the house. Invest the other £100,000 as a back up should you need it, but if you don’t use it, it goes to your niece & nephew.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/07/2024 00:52

It’s your legacy. Do what makes you happy.

LlamaTwirl · 02/07/2024 00:53

I think I would give the majority to my SD but give a token small amount to both niece and nephew (unless they are terrible people). I would also (if I had the means and opportunity) do this for them all whilst they are young enough to really appreciate the help rather than them be at retirement age themselves (hopefully they won't need a helping hand by that time in their lives) ..

TheSquareMile · 02/07/2024 01:01

I would take advice from a solicitor before going through with the plans you have outlined.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

RedToothBrush · 02/07/2024 01:01

What the fuck has it got to do with your parents?

This is who you consider to be your daughter. Your parents not recognising this are utterly disrespectful.

I am willing to be you don't see your niece and nephew as often as your daughter. And you don't have a relationship as close.

As for the biological bit. Wow.

Say to save on arguments you are now going to donate your estate to a cat charity. And see how they react.

downtownlights · 02/07/2024 01:07

LlamaTwirl · 02/07/2024 00:53

I think I would give the majority to my SD but give a token small amount to both niece and nephew (unless they are terrible people). I would also (if I had the means and opportunity) do this for them all whilst they are young enough to really appreciate the help rather than them be at retirement age themselves (hopefully they won't need a helping hand by that time in their lives) ..

I agree with this — sell up and share it out with the majority going to your step daughter.

hellywelly3 · 02/07/2024 01:13

Definitely do it. See if it could be ring fenced incase of divorce though.

Pallisers · 02/07/2024 01:13

This is your property. You decide who it goes to.

Remove all the noise of your parents and the blood family etc from the question. They are unreasonable. In your case - being with a motherless child since she was 10 and married to her dad for more than 10 years with no other children - if you were my child, I'd presume you were likely to leave anything you had to her.

Your stepdaughter is close to you. Ask yourself how best to structure your finances to support her while protecting her. As in, don't just hand over the proceeds of your house. Figure out how to give it to her so if she and her dh divorce she is protected and you are protected. I wouldn't give my children a deposit that big without having some legal counsel about how to ringfence the money for her - and for you.

saraclara · 02/07/2024 01:14

How close are you to your niece and nephew?

I'm concerned that your parents might blab to your siblings, if they know that you originally planned to leave your house to your niece and nephew.

They're their grandparents so they love them, and of course they want the best for them and might be upset that you've changed your mind.
(If they didn't know of your original intention, then they've less reason to be upset though).

My grandma side suggests that you do as a pp said, and give two thirds to your SD and split the other third with the niece and nephew. There's no reason for you to have to, but, assuming they're decent people, it'd be a nice gesture.

My late husband's aunt has me in her will, and is being as generous to me as she is to her niece by blood. I find that really touching. I'd never have expected it.

BabyFedUp445 · 02/07/2024 01:21

Are you saying you want to give her this now rather than in your will? Sorry but that's a bad idea. I don't think pensioners have a very bright future, care costs are huge and that house could make an enormous difference for you. As a teacher, you have a good pension but by no means excellent or keeping up with inflation. She already has 150k, her partner works in finance. Give her a cash gift but to give the majority of what you make from.selling that house now is bonkers.

urbanbuddha · 02/07/2024 01:33

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You could give the lion’s share to your stepdaughter and keep some savings which could pass to your niece and nephew.

wordler · 02/07/2024 01:34

I would split it three ways - say you get 300,000 total.

I'd keep 50,000 in a high interest savings account for yourself - a little bit of future proofing.

Give your niece and nephew 25,000 each - you didn't say what age they are but either given directly or put in a savings account for when they become adults.

That's a very nice chunk of money to get from an aunt. And giving it them now means you have the pleasure of helping them earlier in their lives.

Give your step-daughter $200,000 towards her deposit - that's a very nice lump sum and will help a lot. It's a very lovely thing to do. But as a PP said - try to see if there's a way to ring fence it for her own benefit in case something happens to her DH.