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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t enjoy motherhood

92 replies

ThatTealViewer · 30/06/2024 15:41

My DD is 15 months, I think she’s wonderful and I love her very much.

However, I hear/read women (and occasionally men) saying that being a parent is amazing, how good they feel, how they never dreamt life could be so fulfilling/this is all they’ve ever wanted - and I simply cannot relate.

I love DD, and I think I’m a pretty good parent, but I find most of parenting fairly dull and monotonous. I do not enjoy it, it does not fulfil me and I do not find it amazing. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in well over a year, I’m pudgy, irritable and exhausted.

I have a loving DH who pulls his weight, no financial worries and a decent support network. So, it’s not about that. And I’m not depressed or anxious. My life was just extremely enjoyable before and now there are lots of considerably less enjoyable things that need to happen, and I’m not finding them as glorious as lots of other women seem to be.

Is there anyone who can relate? If so, do you also feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way? Like you’re malfunctioning in some way?

OP posts:
blackcherryconserve · 30/06/2024 15:45

Do not feel guilty!Many of us feel/have felt the same. You are doing a great job and being a parent is not always fulfilling. Your life is inevitably different now from before. There are days when it feels great as your child becomes their own person but you are still an individual too so don't lose sight of that.

JMSA · 30/06/2024 15:46

YANBU. You will now be spending around 70% of your time doing stuff you'd frankly rather not be doing.
Harsh but true!

HandsDown84 · 30/06/2024 15:48

If I'm honest I kind of hated it all up until about age 4, when DS became a bit more able to amuse himself. I'm now struggling again at nearly-6 as he starts to assert himself for the sake of it over stupid things like getting dressed, and has decided it's acceptable to wake us up at 2am.

It's not just you. I think 1-3 is particulary difficult but this too shall pass. Try and take as much time for yourself as you can (my favourite thing is a 9pm cinema film with a bag of sweets!)

Summerdaisiesbuttercups · 30/06/2024 15:55

It gets better.

WhydoIcaresomuch · 30/06/2024 15:57

It’s so boring at that age! I found life such a slog until mine went to school (there were nice times in between). Once they become more self sufficient and have proper personalities, it becomes fun. Mine are 11 and 8 now and two of my favourite people to spend time with!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/06/2024 16:02

I found those early years really hard, and yes dull and monotonous.

My two are 10 and 15 now and they are lovely company, so it does get better. I do genuine look forward to my time off work with them now.

So there’s light!

DanielGault · 30/06/2024 16:02

Be wary of too much social media right now. There's so much 'look at my perfect life' and not the difficulty/flatness that can come after baby. It's normal, because life with a little baby is a slog, no two ways about it. Equally you should try and stay especially attuned to your feelings, in case you think you might be slipping into PND. Hope you are ok x

mynameiscalypso · 30/06/2024 16:05

Do you work? I think my job is the only thing that keeps me sane. I love DS but I don't love being a parent.

Lentilweaver · 30/06/2024 16:06

Oh, the baby stage is hard and boring. But about 4-5 they suddenly become little people with their own interests. Then they start reading and it's so much fun. Then you have a lovely stretch until they become teens and it's shit again. Then they become young adults and it's fun again. It's a marathon, not a sprint and finding any stage tough is fine.

Mumoftwo1316 · 30/06/2024 16:07

It gets so much better. When your dc begins to talk and share their opinions and take on things, it's delightful (while still having its challenges).

Anything up to about 2yo is very very hard work with minimal reward. That's how I feel anyway. Everyone is different

Mumoftwo1316 · 30/06/2024 16:08

For example, if you go for a day out with dc without your dh, then when you get back, your dc tells her dad about it. They have such a different perspective and it's cute. That sort of thing

Original poster
ThatTealViewer · 30/06/2024 16:09

Gosh, I love MN, sometimes. Thank you so much for your responses, so far. They’re actually making me a bit tearful, which I wasn’t expecting.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 30/06/2024 16:10

God the baby years are boring and tough with sprinkles of joy at times.

You are not alone.
It's way better when they hit around 4 and you can leave the house without lugging bags of stuff around with you.
They start being really fun.

WappityWabbit · 30/06/2024 16:13

Definitely bored by the baby stages! 😩
Mature Toddlerhood was less annoying as you can get out more and join in groups whilst your child plays with others.

I've enjoyed the primary school years best so far. Having their mates round for homework club once a week was brilliant.

My DS is a grumpy teen now so it's back to being tricky and tedious again. 😝😂😂

Lentilweaver · 30/06/2024 16:13

At this stage, DH and I took it in turns to have Saturday mornjngs off. One of us would go out for a hobby and the other would take DC to the park. Try to see if you can get some time to yourself.

Get off social media . It's a huge lie. Use the extra time to do an energising hobby or just sleep.

Hereforthesandwiches · 30/06/2024 16:13

Up til two is very tedious. Two til four is a bit better. School age on is fun. I have a 13 month old and a 10 year old. It is hard going!

Bobbotgegrinch · 30/06/2024 16:16

I don't think anyone enjoys parenting a 15 month old. There's moments where it's fun, but by god it's mostly dull as hell. I think 3 years old is around where the good starts outweighing the bad. Up till then, it's primarily a drudge.

WhydoIcaresomuch · 30/06/2024 16:21

I always think that most of us don’t have babies to have a baby; we have babies to have a child. I had two babies because I wanted two children and they are the best things ever, but I spent a large portion of their early years really questioning why we’d given up our lovely, easy life to get up every hour, deal with tantrums and wipe jam off everything. Luckily that’s such a short phase in their lovely lives. Honestly I’d have a house full of kids if someone could put them on ice for me until they’re 5 or 6!

DanielGault · 30/06/2024 16:23

ThatTealViewer · 30/06/2024 16:09

Gosh, I love MN, sometimes. Thank you so much for your responses, so far. They’re actually making me a bit tearful, which I wasn’t expecting.

If you hang around long enough, it can make you tearful for entirely different reasons 😂 Glad you got a minute to catch your breath. It's hard sometimes. I'm twelve years down the line but I do remember feeling quite lost at times when DD was a small baby. A particular highlight was a trip to the shops, I needed sanpro, got them and shoved them in the bottom of the buggy. It was really windy though, and the San pro blew out from under the buggy and around the plaza. Two lovely elderly men proceeded to chase around after it, only to die with embarrassment when they caught it and copped what it was. They brought it to me and fled like I had the plague, and I was only fit for the bed. Child blissfully unaware. I was quite traumatised at the time but it's quite amusing now really. Fair play to the two men. Gents!

Devilsmommy · 30/06/2024 16:23

Babies/toddlers= relentless & repetitive

DanielGault · 30/06/2024 16:26

WhydoIcaresomuch · 30/06/2024 16:21

I always think that most of us don’t have babies to have a baby; we have babies to have a child. I had two babies because I wanted two children and they are the best things ever, but I spent a large portion of their early years really questioning why we’d given up our lovely, easy life to get up every hour, deal with tantrums and wipe jam off everything. Luckily that’s such a short phase in their lovely lives. Honestly I’d have a house full of kids if someone could put them on ice for me until they’re 5 or 6!

Lol!!!!

PeloMom · 30/06/2024 16:26

I can totally relate. It sucks

Iseeyoupekingduck · 30/06/2024 16:28

It sounds like you probably need to go back to work op and get some adult company and do something different.

PeloMom · 30/06/2024 16:28

Summerdaisiesbuttercups · 30/06/2024 15:55

It gets better.

When??? I keep on hearing different goal posts and it never does… I’m on yr 5 now. Before I know it I’ll be in the beyond sucky teenage years

80smonster · 30/06/2024 16:29

This was me. I had a really nice life before my DD arrived, I felt incredibly guilty that I didn’t take the same joy others did. Many years on I’ve now rationalised that other mums may have been keener to be on maternity leave than I was. Some because they had planned/hoped to be parents for many years, so it was the fruition of much yearning either due to logistics/IVF/financial planning. We kind of fell into it, not really having much experience of what that entailed, then discovered it’s a lifestyle choice we may not have made - had we known everything we do now. It does get better as they need less from you, babies and toddlers are relentless and not being able to sleep killed me in a way I’d never imagined. The early morning trips to playgrounds will haunt me forever. Other parents tell me that you enjoy a certain age/period of your kids childhood. Don’t be hard on yourself OP, different parents are good at different things, just because you don’t much like chanting incy wincy spider at baby club, doesn’t mean you won’t be ace at reading to them, explaining times tables or grammar. We all have different parental strengths and you will have yours in spades.