I don’t enjoy motherhood

[ThatTealViewer]

My DD is 15 months, I think she’s wonderful and I love her very much.

However, I hear/read women (and occasionally men) saying that being a parent is amazing, how good they feel, how they never dreamt life could be so fulfilling/this is all they’ve ever wanted - and I simply cannot relate.

I love DD, and I think I’m a pretty good parent, but I find most of parenting fairly dull and monotonous. I do not enjoy it, it does not fulfil me and I do not find it amazing. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in well over a year, I’m pudgy, irritable and exhausted.

I have a loving DH who pulls his weight, no financial worries and a decent support network. So, it’s not about that. And I’m not depressed or anxious. My life was just extremely enjoyable before and now there are lots of considerably less enjoyable things that need to happen, and I’m not finding them as glorious as lots of other women seem to be.

Is there anyone who can relate? If so, do you also feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way? Like you’re malfunctioning in some way?

YANBU. I'm not sure 'enjoy' is the word I'd use about motherhood, but I still feel very positive about it overall even though, yes, a lot of it is quite dull and a schlep. People shouldn't feel they have to love every moment or that if fulfills their life's purpose.

Mine are 8, 11 and 14 - it's mostly brilliant tbh! The little one is still cute enough to "aah!" over and they are all much more independent. Have spent a lovely Sunday doing what I like tbh as no need to entertain or parent much at all!

Can you try and incorporate stuff from your past life to keep you sane?

I go out twice a week in the evening to my hobby/dinner with friends. I also do a weekend away with friends (or sometimes soloevery few months and it makes me feel like me again.

Without stating the obvious, it must hugely depend on what type of baby / toddler you have. My 20 month son is an absolute joy and pretty much always has been. He’s always been a good sleeper and is generally laid back, as much as a 20 month old can be and thus I enjoy parenting him. In fact I absolutely love being his parent, it makes me very happy. I had a wonderful life before him but now it’s even better with him in it.

Conversely, if he had been a rubbish sleeper it would have massively affected my happiness as I am shocking on a bad night’s sleep, even worse on concurrent nights of crap sleep. And I know I would have been miserable if he had been a ‘difficult’ or excessively whingey baby. As someone mentioned upthread, luck plays a huge part in all this. So much so, that I don’t want any more as I won’t risk my current state of happiness!

Thank you. I will try to carry this thought with me on any tough days.

Very few things are 100% amazing. Take marriage. Can you honestly say every minute has been filled with amazing things? Have you never washed your husband’s clothes? Never got a proper meal ready for you both when you’d have been happy with a piece of toast? Never watched a TV show he likes but you’re not so keen on?

We do boring things when we have a family because we love the person we’re doing them for. While your DD is a bit young to interact with you yet, she’s on the cusp of being able to do so, and to start seeing you as a separate person, loving you for all you do and the love you give her - and very soon being able to tell you that she loves you.

Parenting is a slog and it’s repetitive. I found baby/toddler/pre-school years very tough. It’s a lot of hard work and knackering and not very rewarding. The lack of sleep made me a very grumpy mum at times.

4-16 was mostly pretty great with both kids (one DD and one DS) but late teens are challenging- in a very different way to the early years. Watching them becoming adults and planning their futures (or not as the case may be 😬) negotiating relationships, looking after their health (especially mental health), not taking too many risks, letting us know where they are and whether they’re coming home tonight… I sometimes miss the years when all I had to worry about was whether they’d eaten any vegetables or whether they would GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

There have genuinely been some magical and life-affirming moments along the way. Snuggling up with stories when they were little, Christmas magic when they still believed, lots of belly laughs, some great holidays together, camping trips and days out- moments which make all the slog and tedium seem worth it. I wouldn’t give them back, put it that way.

Babies cry, 💩, want fed, ad infinitum....all very tedious. It gets better as they get older. Mine are all aged between 6 and 17.

My eldest just introduced me to his girlfriend yesterday. Lots of fun stuff to look forward to as they get older.

Thank you for this thread, op and for your honesty, I have felt the same as you when Dd was younger and still do at times now (almost 6) Don’t ever feel guilty, it can be so so hard x

As a PP has said, marriage isn't always a bed of roses either 🤷‍♀️ there are difficult moments every year and difficult things to reach agreements on from time to time. Lots and lots of compromise.

I can definitely relate OP.

I have DS 18 months and twin DD's 2 months. Of course I love them but my god it's incredibly boring. I can't wait to go back to work.

I was reading a thread the other day where people were going on and on about how magical and wonderful night feeds were. I was baffled and couldn't relate at all.

Oh god yes! I wish I'd realised what parenting actually is before having kids. Although then I guess far fewer of us would have them 😆

It's basically a couple of decades of helping another human grow into an adult person. And yes whilst there are good times, it's a hell of a long time to give equal importance to someone else's life.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a martyr mummy and mine are mostly grown now. We've had some amazing times, but don't ever feel bad for feeling bad!

I had twins and was every bit as bad at raising babies as I had expected. The guilt over that did surprise me - loving them but not enjoying them was very confusing. I got pregnant on the basis I quite like children (and DH is great with babies), was hanging on for them to get to 5, but actually after 3 things started to get much better, and so far has got better year after year. They are 15 now and I am loving the teenage years. I should have taken more opportunities to do things for myself in those early years - guilt at really wanting to be elsewhere meant I didn't do it!

I found motherhood relentless, non stop and DULL when mine were tiny. It’s so much more fun and physically easier when they get up a bit (mine are 15 and 13 which has its own challenges but at least they won’t eat the dishwasher tablets if left alone too long).

YANBU - I didn't enjoy 1 at all. It's so tedious! My two were both bad sleepers and early risers and some weekends I would be on the verge of tears at 6am thinking of the 14 hours ahead of me before I could have a rest.

3 onwards is so much better. Once they can talk and the tantrums and needing naps tail off it's such a relief.

I was reading a thread the other day where people were going on and on about how magical and wonderful night feeds were. I was baffled and couldn't relate at all.

For me they seem magical when I look back on them. I certainly wouldn’t have said that at the time but I’m 15 years on and got my rose-tinted specs on.

Don't feel guilty. It might just be that you'll enjoy parenting older children more. I enjoyed the early years but they're hard work, mine are 9 & 13 now and I actually never miss them being younger, I enjoy being able to do more grown up stuff with them and have proper conversations

YANBU. As the only child free by choice person in my friendship group (because I absolutely KNEW I’d be shit at it) I am the one that my mum friends confide in about how hard/boring/dull it is, because they get no judgement from me. They love their children obviously but it is hard bloody work. I think Mums are often worried about what other mums will think….but, from what I can gather, it is dull as shit part of the time?
I should add that we are all getting a bit older, children are now more independent and they all seem to enjoy it a lot more!

I have two and found it considerably easier when they could play together (youngest just under 2, eldest just under 5), but my older boy alone I’d say 6+ (we called ‘5’ ‘the Fuck It Fives’ because he was HARD WORK that first year or so in school). The sweet spot for us has been the primary years with both: they are fun and funny and loving but you don’t do so much of the relentless drudge (no nappies, less illness, can get dressed etc). Life is still tough at times but it’s less about the children being hard and more about logistics - clubs, homework, school trips etc.

Oh I am so with you! My oldest is 2 and just starting to really get better. The youngest is 4.5 months and it’s SO hard. No more children for me!!!!!

YANBU.
I'm 6.5 years in and it's still tough for me, I'm not a natural mum.
I love DD to bits but it's a daily struggle.
However, this may be due to having a useless partner. I always struggled with not doing what I wanted when I wanted...having a child is a huge sacrifice.
It does get better in some ways like it's wonderful having chats with them and the funny things they say. It can be essentially like growing your own little best friend 😄
But still...exhausting and thankless.

Don't feel you have to have another either, 1 is most definitely enough.

Parts of parenting are tedious.No one loves changing nappies or toilet training but if you see it as a short lived phase it makes life easier. Just work on reframing your thinking. If you struggle with parenting there is no shame in saying so or even deciding not to add to your family.

This is lovely to hear. My twins are 6 now. One-on-one they are wonderful, but their ‘twinness’ together is still so difficult! People try to tell me it’s the same as any other siblings, but it’s really not.

I'm not a parent yet but definitely worry about the things you are describing OP.

My life now is fun and interesting. I know I'll have to give up so much 😫

But I still want to be a mum really badly, even knowing how dull and monotonous a lot of the drudgery of caring for a young child is going to be.

That instinct/ drive to reproduce is very strong.

You can still have fun and interesting, if you have an equal partner and insist on some time for yourself rather than doing everything together.