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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH weekend football games & baby

85 replies

sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 13:59

DH goes to the local home football games with his friends on Saturdays and has done for as long as I have known him. They are a really nice group of men - they go, have a few drinks in a nearby pub, see the game and come home. All very innocent and they are out for about 5-6 hours. Always been really happy for him to go, even for the last 9 months when we have had a new baby as I can sometimes get someone to come and help me and I also feel quite well rested (baby is a great sleeper) so I'm happy to do the day alone if I need to. DH is also a very involved dad and supports me a lot so I'm happy for him to take the time to continue doing something he really enjoys.

However, I recently mentioned to DH that I wasn't sure about him going to every single game when I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable. My reasoning to him was as follows:

  • The working week is exhausting. Pre baby I usually had to work one day at the weekend just to keep on top of everything and I can only see this getting worse as I will need to leave work earlier to pick up from nursery. I would usually do my work on a Sunday meaning that Saturday is my only 'free' day of the week. If DH goes to a football match and leaves me to solo parent on this free day, I effectively won't get a day off all week. Yes I can get someone to come and help me but this isn't necessarily how I would want to spend this free day - I'd like to spend it with him and our DD!
  • The football games take place roughly 1/3 of my working weekends (I'm happy for him to go on the weekends of school holidays when I will have been off in the week). So effectively one third of all my working weekends I have already been signed up to not really getting a break/time as a family.
  • When do we get family time? DH has suggested on other weekends I can do something for myself and he'll look after DD so it balances out, but if I match him on this then we will hardly ever get family time the 3 of us.

For clarity, I didn't say that I didn't want him to go, just that maybe he could reduce the amount he goes but he thinks that the number of games in a year is reasonable.

Genuinely unsure who is being unreasonable here as I sort of feel backed into a corner and I feel that it has just been assumed I will agree to this.

OP posts:
Hairycooter · 30/06/2024 14:00

This reply has been deleted

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midgetastic · 30/06/2024 14:01

Start going out for a few hours every Sunday and explain that's fair and he will get more quality time with baby that way

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2024 14:02

Show him what you've put

Ask him how he feels about family time or not

what happens if you have more children?

Sirzy · 30/06/2024 14:05

Going out for a few hours 1 in 3 weekends is fine, he is allowed time to himself. You should also get the similar amount of time as downtime.

lazyarse123 · 30/06/2024 14:05

If you can get someone to help couldn't you do your work on that day? Seems a bit unfair to your DH.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/06/2024 14:07

I actually don't think 5 hours out per week at a hobby is unreasonable. You obvo would get the same so that's 10 hours disposable time needed.
But this is decisions people need to make as a family and ideally - not that I did so no judgement- before you start a family.
Some couples/parents do prioritise their individual 'me time.'
And some prioritise using all their disposable time as a family.
Neither is right or wrong I don't think, but you do need to be on the same page.

LadySybilRamekin · 30/06/2024 14:08

Equal leisure time is the goal (in my view) - so what would that look like here? How could you get the same amount of leisure time, not counting time you spend working - and then family time on top of that? What has he got to suggest?

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2024 14:08

lazyarse123 · 30/06/2024 14:05

If you can get someone to help couldn't you do your work on that day? Seems a bit unfair to your DH.

So the OP works 6 days a week.
Maybe has 1 day off

DH works 5 days a week
Has 1 day off

Family time/chores/life stuff fits in where?

If the OP isn't saying he can't ever go, where does his life really change?

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2024 14:09

I still don't see where domestic life fits in at all

NuffSaidSam · 30/06/2024 14:13

I think one out of three weekends is fine tbh.

As a compromise he could miss the pre-game drinks to keep the time down, 2-3 hours every third weekend is hardly excessive.

Or get him to take the baby with him in a sling, get the little one into football early.

Is he doing his fair share the rest of the time? Maybe he needs to do at least one pick-up a week so you can stay late at school and get stuff done then.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2024 14:19

Can he do nursery pick-ups so you can work late? I'm assuming it's one of these situations where the wife's job subtlety becomes Job B while the husband's is Job A.

Charlie2121 · 30/06/2024 14:20

5 hours maybe 20 weekends each year is not unreasonable. Let him enjoy his football.

BlueMum16 · 30/06/2024 14:20

If DH is out all Saturday afternoon then you could work all Saturday morning and he can look after DC. Sundays can be family time.

If you want your own time make sure you get that too.

Can you do some work in the evening once DC is in bed? Or before school starts?

Parrotcoop · 30/06/2024 14:20

I took my FS with me from being really young ...

Parrotcoop · 30/06/2024 14:21

DS!

Original poster
sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 14:21

Thanks so much for your responses, it's really helpful. In answer to questions, he absolutely does pull his weight and does all food shopping/cooking and a lot of the cleaning. Also, for context, it's pretty much the only social thing he does which is why I've always been fine with it.

I think I'm more bothered by the lack of family time than anything. We haven't yet navigated the working week with a baby and I'm worried we're just never going to get time together.

I think the answer is probably some sort of a compromise between the two that we are both happy with.

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyou123 · 30/06/2024 14:23

My DP does similar (we have a baby and a toddler) and I’m not that fussed about missing family time on a weekend for a full day as at this age they don’t really have staying power for a full day out. We have our family time eating dinner altogether (no phones), bath, bedtime, go for breakfast on a Saturday/sunday morning, he goes to the football Saturday/Sunday afternoon. Baby is BF and a bottle refuser so my me time is limited really at the mo but when she’s bigger I’ll go and do something solo the next weekend for a couple of hours (usually meet a mum friend who’s in the same boat for lunch/cinema/a few drinks!). It works well and by making sure the time we spend together is quality phone free time, it doesn’t matter at all

Haveyouanyjam · 30/06/2024 14:26

Sounds like the conversation needs to be around family time being a priority and how you will make that happen between the two of you, rather than focusing on this one thing he does for himself, as that is also a priority as a parent. It’s not like it’s two evenings and one weekday each week. Just agree to keep talking about it and see how you are fitting family time in and keep it under review if it’s not working for you.

EatTheGnome · 30/06/2024 14:27

You take him up on his offer to do 50 50 at weekends, even at the cost of family time and wait for it to wear thin for him.

He will likely conclude that it is better to cut the football back. See how it pans out.

Original poster
sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 14:28

This is a really good way of looking at it. Thank you.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 30/06/2024 14:29

I think it's more ops job that is an issue. Teaching can be terrible for family life. Working evenings and weekends especially as it's unpaid is just wrong.

Invisimamma · 30/06/2024 14:31

Does he only go to home games? If so I think that's fine as it's not every weekend. Make sure you get some time too, meet friends for Sunday brunch, go the gym or whatever is your thing.

If it was 6hrs every single Saturday I think I'd be resentful of that but if it is just home games during football season that's different.

Original poster
sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 14:36

Yes just home games during the season so not every weekend.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/06/2024 14:37

EatTheGnome · 30/06/2024 14:27

You take him up on his offer to do 50 50 at weekends, even at the cost of family time and wait for it to wear thin for him.

He will likely conclude that it is better to cut the football back. See how it pans out.

This.

I would make sure that you take time to do something nice for yourself for an equal amount of time on his non-hobby day every single week without fail over the summer. If he’s happy to sacrifice family time when he knows it’s not being made up by you missing out on your time then he can continue with his hobby. If he’s not prepared to change anything to ensure you have family time then it obviously isn’t important to him so I’d be prioritising myself in the same way.

I’ve said this before on here but I have never met a woman with dc with a hobby that takes her out for 5-6 hours at a time on a regular basis when the kids are up. Every woman I know with a time-consuming hobby, myself included, alters their schedule to get up and out super early so they are back to be with their kids. Yet I see loads of men out cycling, golfing, watching / playing footie, playing cricket in the summer etc for hours and hours at a time. I often wonder why we are so concerned about family time when so many men clearly couldn’t give a toss.

I’m not saying that anyone should have to completely give up a hobby that brings them joy, but it is somewhat unrealistic to assume that your life will continue exactly as it did before when you have a child. And surely most parents want to spend some time with their partners and dc.

Original poster
sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 14:37

@lazyarse123 unfortunately I think you could be right...

OP posts: